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| Kramer introduces "The Bro" |
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| The Mormon Church's newest spokesman, "Man With Teats." |
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Ay, chinga!
Our Mexican neighbors south of the border use curse words an average of 20 times a day, according to the polling firm, Consulta Mitofsky.
No word on whether an equal rate of swearing can be found among the millions of illegal immigrants from Mexico who live in the United States. But we imagine it's pretty high in Maricopa County, home of Sheriff Joe "Arrest 'Em All" Arpaio.
Americans are no slackers when it comes to dropping f-bombs and other "bad" words, of course.
But we enjoy spicing up our foul language with words gleaned from our many years living in the salsa-flavored Valley.
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| www.faithandfacts.com |
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A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there was no "Sheriff" Joe Arpaio. But in the mid-1980s, there was a ex-DEA agent named Joe Arpaio who was selling flights into space from a Scottsdale travel firm.
New Times has written about Arpaio's former life as a space cadet on several occasions, and the Arizona Republic published an article in 1985 about the venture. We wouldn't have known about the latter reference if not for the fact that the Repub republished the article a few days ago.
The link to the republished article seems a bit gratuitous and random in the middle of a Political Insider blog column that ran on September 3, (which, mysteriously, is un-bylined). But it's plenty amusing enough that we wanted to share it with you.
Check out the photo and caption that ran along with an article on an Irish Web site about an upcoming solar energy project:
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But you'd have to have a screw loose to try to hit an employee with your car, which is what police say happened last night in Surprise.
Monique Aguet, 26, zipped through the drive-through at a Kentucky Fried Chicken near Bell and Reems roads about 7 p.m., Surprise police say. When she dipped her hand in her bag of food and found there were no condiments, Aguet allegedly went off the deep end.
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Arizona Republic readers can rest easy: The paper's astrology column is back to publishing one-to-four-star advance reviews of the type of day they can expect.
After the paper canceled one syndicated horoscope and picked up another last month, readers noticed that the one-to-four-star advance reviews of their day had disappeared. Previously, readers could check at a glance whether they should prepare for disaster or fortune, and many of them were frustrated at the change.
Republic columnist Clay Thompson noted back on July 2 that he was getting lots of questions about the stars, and announced on July 8 they were coming back.
We just noticed them... and confirmed we're having a four-star day.
Jonathan McNamara Adan Hinojosa (@FauxSheriffJoe) poses with a waitress at Lolo's Chicken and Waffles after his encounter with the real Sheriff Joe.
It's 9:30 a.m. and Adan Hinojosa stands in the shade outside the Wells Fargo building in downtown Phoenix speaking with Channel 3 news anchor Beverly Kidd. If it weren't for the camera crew, you'd think he was just a regular joe, but it turns out this Phoenecian is an entirely different joe altogher: he's Sheriff Joe -- or at least he pretends to be.
On January 3, 2009, Hinojosa started a Twitter account posing as "America's toughest sheriff" Joe Arpaio. He considers himself a comedy writer and sought a way to keep his writing skills sharp. As the faux Joe, Hinojosa shared daily tweets with an ever-growing group of followers ready to eat up 140 characters of hilarity such as,:"It's not professional to label Arizona Mills as 'Daddy's Little Quota Topper'," and, "I'm fed up with these politician sex scandals. You wouldn't catch me staring twice at a two-bit trollop who flashed a little ankle."
Earlier today, Faux Sheriff Joe came face-to-face with the genuine article in his MCSO office. Hinojosa walked in with his mother and a friend in tow and handed the aging lawman a stuffed panda. Arpaio accepted the gift but said he would have expected a stuffed pig.
It turns out Arpaio is funnier than you might think.
The State Senate still intends to boot reporters out of rooms at the State Capitol that they've worked in for more than three decades -- it'll happen at the end of this legislative session, staffers say.
So, in the interest of preserving a (somewhat moldy) slice of history, here is a picture of what Capitol Media Services reporter Howie Fischer's desk looked like on a recent day:
What a frickin' sty! Not that ours is much better. But at least people can't just wander in off the street and photograph it for a blog.
A California woman sued Pepsi after finding out that Crunchberries contained no real fruit, but a judge ruled any reasonable person could have figured that out.
The case of Janine Sugawawa does provide a modicum of hope that the justice system isn't running on four flats -- this one was nipped in the bud quickly. Judge Morrison England Jr. of the U.S. District Court of Eastern California approved Pepsi's motion to dismiss on May 21, noting that the Sugawawa's attorneys were the same hillbillies who tried to sue because Froot Loops had no real fruit.
Nobody's really this stupid, we're sure -- this is just attempted litigation for fun and profit.
Former lawmaker Greg Patterson thinks longtime editorial writer Doug MacEachern writes like a "coasting tweener."
MacEachern thinks Patterson is a "venal, simpering whiner with a Viagra-induced thing for the news business."
Isn't that cute?
Greg Patterson 
Image: www.azpbs.org Doug MacEachern
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Image: Wikimedia Commons
Nothing like Internet humor to brighten up your Monday morning, even if it's only about 40 watts' worth. With that, we bring you a list straight from the Downtown Voices Coalition's Web site, which says the list originated as a chain e-mail:
How to Drive in Phoenix
1. "Phoenix " actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa, Gilbert, Glendale, and half of border with Mexico.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to Noon. The evening rush hour is from Noon to 9 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
We've gotten our fair share of hate mail over the years, especially after our Super Bowl cover story about weak-kneed Cardinals fans and their coal-mining hillbilly counterparts (Steeler Nation) from Western Pennsylvania, but we've never received anything as hilarious/disturbing as this video.
Yes, those are the words from one of our blog posts, put in Adolf Hitler's mouth. Martin Cizmar's post about Kurt Warner's "fumble" is linked from YouTube. Eeek. It's funny, yes, but also deeply, deeply offensive. Very well-crafted though, we can all agree.
GM and Segway unveiled a "reinvention of urban transportation" today -- the PUMA vehicle. If these things ever see mass production, it's a safe bet you won't see too many on Valley streets (see picture below).
With a motorcycle, at least you can throttle your way out of trouble. These things look like sitting ducks for every SUV-driving octogenarian in Sun City.
Okay, we admit it: When we think of the roaring, pedal-to-the-metal high performance of race cars, a picture of Terry Goddard is about the furthest thing from our mind.
Now the Phoenix International Raceway have put the two together by making the state Attorney General an honorary race official for the kickoff event of NASCAR's 2009 Sprint Cup Series, the Subway Fresh Fit 500.
According to a news release from PIR, Goddard will welcome the series' drivers at the start/finish line just before the April 18 race, plus participate in other pre-race activities.
This seems like just the thing to bolster the image of politician who gets treated like asphalt by local officials.
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Our esteemed state lawmakers should not be fodder for over-eager journalists who want to follow them around as if the Legislature was a reality show, says Pamela Gorman (pictured), a Republican state senator from Anthem.
"Fan photo" From Pamela Gorman's Facebook Site
In an East Valley Tribune article by Howard Fischer about the senate's upcoming media kick-out, Gorman pulls out a gritty witicism while defending the "practice" of chatting with other Republican lawmakers away from the snoops:
"Are you suggesting that this is a reality show and there should be a camera on my back at all times?" Gorman said. "There are times I have conversations one-on-one with a member. Do you want to go to lunch with me? Do you want to go to the bathroom with me? I don't know where you want to go."
That's right: You'll never get to find out whether Pam's a crusher or a folder.
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| Wikimedia Commons |
| Fish aren't usually shipped in coffins, but somebody at U.S. Airways was apparently confused. |
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| Faux Joe captured on screen. |
There's no way it can be the real Sheriff Joe Arpaio on Twitter -- we doubt he's anywhere near tech-savvy enough to micro-blog on a social networking site with applications like "Twitterfox" and "Twim," and the Twitter updates he's been posting are way too funny to come from a guy who's perpetually scowling and grumbling.
But somebody has opened a Twitter account as Sheriff Joe Arpaio, claiming on the page that he's "proudly keeping watch over the great Maricopa County," and making posts that poke fun at the real sheriff.
The first Twitter update from the account was posted on February 9. It read: "My doctor says I need to stop passing by landscaping trucks else I triple my risk of stroke."
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Jason Rose, the big-haired fighter of bad PR
Jason Rose built his reputation in public relations by pimping clients with serious image problems, like Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas and LifeLock Corporation.
But his success also depends on sucking up to the media, hence his company's annual Fourth Estate Awards. The cheeky list offers dozens of zingers, many of them fairly humorous, about local journalists, TV anchors and radio personalities. Sometimes the awards are complimentary, other times not. The ribbing is always tame, though, because in Rose's business it doesn't pay to burn bridges.
Here's a sample:
The New York Times makes mistakes just like any other news outlet, but the multiple name errors in the cover story of the New York Times Magazine last Sunday resulted in a larger-than-normal correction:
Correction: October 26, 2008
The cover article on Page 52 this weekend about Senator John McCain’s campaign misspells the given name of Mr. McCain’s fellow senator from Arizona and the surname of the governor of Florida, both McCain supporters. The other Arizona senator is Jon Kyl, not John, and the Florida governor is Charlie Crist, not Christ. The article also misstates the name of the Ohio city where some McCain campaign staff members first met Mr. McCain’s running mate, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska. It is Middletown, not Middleton. And the article overstates the duties of Tucker Eskew, a member of Ms. Palin’s team. He is officially her counselor, not her chief of staff, though campaign officials say that he performs many of the same duties.
The country's most esteemed newspaper has reported major losses in profit and layoffs this year, so maybe it's cutting back on editors. Then again, an interesting Web site we found today called regrettheerror.com shows just how often news agencies must correct their work -- and how humorous those corrections can be. -- Ray Stern
Many East Valley Tribune readers must have done double-takes after viewing this front-page teaser about a cookie story in today's paper.
"Grandma's kills wanted..." Do they mean human or road kills? And for a cookie recipe, possibly? Are those dark bumps in the pictured cookies chocolate chips -- or something disgusting and macabre?
McCain's "how-do-I-get-off this stage" faux pas at the end of last night's debate resulted in what may be the silliest picture ever of a U.S. Senator or presidential candidate.
The perspective almost makes it look like McCain wants to literally chew Obama's ass, doesn't it? The picture -- this one was found on the BBC news site -- isn't Photoshopped. Viewers of the debate will recall McCain's tongue flopping out for half a second in a self-deprecating move as he turned toward Obama, then back the other way like he wasn't sure where to walk. Click here for a different angle of this apparently unrehearsed pose. -- Ray Stern
By Jonathan McNamara
Local comedian Erik Abramowitz has a few pieces of advice for brahs lookin’ to take home a cougar or two from the Scottsdale dating scene. Step one? Don’t bring debit cards. Go to the ATM before you go out and carry no more than $40.
“It’s like gambling. When you’re done you’re done and you just got to walk away,” he says. “There comes that point in the night when you’ve bought drinks for ten chicks and you’re like ‘I don’t think this is happening tonight.’”
Abramowitz performs solo as a stand up comedian in addition to doing skit and situation-based improv comedy with the Jester’Z at Theater 168.
“From what I understand, every great comedian has an improv background. It teaches you so much about being in the moment on stage,” he said.
Improv is Abramowitz’ back-up hidden away in his back pocket for when audience reaction is at a lull or he’s bombed on a joke. It’s a discipline of eliciting laughs by weaving jokes out of thin air and it lends a storytelling style to Abramowitz’ comedy.
Listen for yourself with 30 seconds of Erik Abramowitz.
Hear more from Erik Abramowitz every Thursday night as he hosts an open mic at The Dirty Devil.
By Jonathan McNamara
In his teen years, celebrated director George Lucas wanted to be a drag racer when he grew up. Fate had other plans however, as the young Lucas found himself in a terrible car crash shortly after his high school graduation that made him think twice about his career choice.
Sometimes the universe gently pushes you in the right direction; other times it uses a sledge hammer.
Local comedian Anthony Padilla knows this only too well. He moved to Phoenix from Albuquerque during the baseball off season to pursue his dream of becoming a pro ball player. By the time try-outs rolled back around, Padilla was dealing with a shoulder injury that would take over two years of rehabilitation to get over.
Padilla found the silver lining of his debilitating setback when he got into writing. He started with a monthly sports column called In the Zone published in Grand Season magazine. Eventually, writing would lead to thoughts of acting and finally writing comedy as a way to bridge his two interests.
In an industry where many get their start before they are legally allowed to tip their wait staff, Padilla jumped in just before turning 28 years old.
“For me, not starting until I was almost 28 actually, I’ve already seen life a little bit and I feel like I can handle situations a little differently. I feel like I learn things a little bit quicker,” he said.
