Joe Arpaio's Twitter

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio (left), with his "Special Deputy" Ted Nugent.

We almost forgot about when the "Motor City Madman" Ted Nugent -- known in more recent days simply as a madman -- was deputized by Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

Turns out, Nugent's still a "Special Deputy" to Arpaio, a sheriff's office spokesman confirms to New Times.

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"Special Deputy" Steven Seagal

​Actor Steven Seagal added another cameo to his list of appearances with the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office last night, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio says Seagal somehow helped real deputies find a bunch of weed.

Seagal's starring role in MCSO raids seems to be going down the toilet, as he's gone from riding around in a tank while deputies bust a dude for cockfighting, to joining in on a "crime suppression sweep"/illegal immigrant roundup, and now having something to do with finding weed.

According to the sheriff's office, the MCSO's "Drug Interdiction Unit" found three suspected illegal immigrants bringing around 500 pounds of weed from Mexico to the States.

The three guys were found in the desert, and deputies say the weed was "destined for east coast cities."

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Antony James Wheeler's Facebook page

Antony Wheeler: "head bouncer"/alleged panty thief.

​An alleged panty thief is off the streets -- but only after allegedly assaulting his ex-step-daughter, sexually abusing his ex-wife and, of course, stealing her panties.

Antony James Wheeler, the "head bouncer at a nightclub establishment," has been arrested on domestic violence-related charges three times in the past few years. On Saturday, he was arrested again.

According to court records obtained by New Times, on January 7, Wheeler was staying at the Scottsdale home of his ex-wife as he recovered from kidney stones.

His former bride had taken Ambien -- a powerful sleep medication known to cause hallucinations -- and was passed out in her bedroom.

At some point in the night, Wheeler creeped into the woman's bedroom and started fondling her genitals as she slept.

Additionally, he used a camera on his cell phone to take pictures of himself feeling up his ex-wife.

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"Nik Richie"

​A federal judge in Kentucky has a set a trial date for the defamation lawsuit a Cincinnatti Bengals cheerleader filed against Scottsdale's own Hooman Karamian, a.k.a. "Nik Richie," of The Dirty (ahem) fame.

U.S. District Judge William Bertelsman set a June 4 trial date for the lawsuit, which claims "Richie" and his "Dirty Army" spread rumors that the cheerleader, Sarah Jones, caught chlamydia from her boyfriend.

In a 2009 post on "Richie's" website, Thedirty.com, a picture of Jones is accompanied with the claim that her ex-boyfriend, "Nate," cheated on her with more than 50 women and tested positive several times for chlamydia and gonorrhea. The author of the post suggests that "Nate" gave the diseases to Jones.

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This makes Tucson shooting victim George Morris "want to vomit."

​When many of us see Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords doing so well after getting shot in the head during last year's shooting rampage at a grocery store just outside of Tucson, we're relieved, inspired -- even uplifted.

Not 77-year-old George Morris, who also is one of Jared Loughner's victims, and who lost his wife of 54 years, Dorothy, to one of Loughner's bullets. According to Morris, the sight of Giffords now makes him "want to vomit."

Morris was shot in the leg and back during the shooting. His wife was killed. He'd gone to the Safeway that day to give Giffords a piece of his mind -- a self-described "ultra-conservative," Morris was angry that Giffords was toeing the Democratic Party line by often voting in-sync with former U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

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MCSO

Ramon Eligio Alva

​Gentlemen, the next time your girlfriend spouts off about how horrible you are at being a boyfriend, just tell her it could be much, much worse -- she could be dating 32-year-old Ramon Eligio Alva.

Alva was arrested Tuesday night after beating the crap out of his girlfriend because she greeted a female friend with a kiss at a party the two attended. Then, according to police, he brutally raped her.

According to court documents obtained by New Times, on October 30, Alva and his girlfriend went to a Halloween party at the girlfriend's place of employment. When the two got to the party, the girlfriend greeted a co-worker by kissing her, which Alva, apparently, was none to pleased about.

The two argued as the party continued until the girlfriend had had enough, and asked Alva for the car keys so she could leave. He refused, and the argument spilled into the parking lot at the party -- which is where Alva decked his girlfriend in the face.

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"Mr. Conservative" J.D. Hayworth seen here explaining how to get "free government money."

​It's been more than a year since Senator John McCain mopped the floor with former congressman/phoney conservative/free government-money huckster J.D. Hayworth in Arizona's GOP Senate primary, and the former congressman's finally gotten around to getting himself a full-time job.

A right-wing San Francisco radio station announced yesterday that it's hired Hayworth to host his own three-hour-long show in a time slot that, until now, belonged to Rush Limbaugh.

In the announcement, the radio station touts Hayworth's supposed conservatism, citing his helping write the Bush tax cuts while serving on the House Ways and Means Committee in 2001 and 2003.

What KSFO's news and program director Paul Hosley fails to mention is that while J.D. talks the talk when it comes to being a fiscally responsible Conservative against wasteful spending, he used to be a pitchman for a company that showed people how to get "free government money" through many of the same government programs Hayworth considers wasteful (when he's running for office, anyway).

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Eugene Foster

​Eugene Foster's girlfriend's teen daughter will probably think twice before she takes naked pictures of herself on her cell phone. That's because Foster taught her a "lesson" Wednesday night -- by sending naked photos of the girl to dozens of contacts stored in her cell phone.

Many of those who received the image were the girl's friends at Poston Butte High School in San Tan Valley.

Authorities say Foster, 31, found the photo's on the girl's phone Wednesday night. To teach her a lesson, he sent the image to 37 of the contacts stored in the girl's phone.

The girl's mother -- Foster's girlfriend -- isn't sure exactly who receieved the photos of her naked daughter, so she asked officials at the Florence Unified School District to send a warning to parents that kiddie porn may have been sent to their children.

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Jason Rose compared "knuckleheads" he saw at the Phoenix Coyotes game the other night to "midgets, special ed. and Axl Rose wannabes."

​If your public relations firm happens to represent an organization that advocates for people with disabilities, it's probably in your best interest to not make fun of people with disabilities. Just ask Valley PR honcho Jason Rose, who took to Twitter over the weekend to compare a "knucklehead" he saw at a Phoenix Coyotes game to a person with special needs.

Rose's PR firm, Rose, Moser and Allyn, which represented Special Olympics Arizona, was kicked to the curb by the organization yesterday thanks to some über-douchey comments Rose posted on his Twitter page over the weekend.

"usc-ucla? Felt like was sitting at a newport beach yacht club. Coyotes? Midgets, special ed and axel rose wannabes nearby," tweeted Rose -- whose stable of GOP clients includes his prize pig, Joe Arpaio.

We spoke to Rose this afternoon. When asked what on earth he was thinking, he gives the following explanation of his dopey tweet:

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Did you get arrested by Steven Seagal last weekend?

​The last time Under Siege star Steven Seagal was in town, the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office took some heat when it used a tank to apprehend a suspected cockfighter. The criticism went further when allegations surfaced that Seagal murdered a puppy.

The allegations that Seagal killed a puppy haven't been proven, but you'd think that when someone brings the type of shit-storm Seagal's brought to the MCSO, Sheriff Joe Arpaio might think twice before allowing him to tag along when he raises hell in the Valley.

You'd think wrong.

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