Top 10 Things to Do if You Wake Up in a Mexican Jail
Since it took Maldonado more than a week to get out of jail for sitting on the same public bus as 12 pounds of marijuana, we thought it'd be a good idea to throw some tips together for the next time you wake up in a Mexican jail.
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1.) Determine that you're actually in Mexico
This one can be tough, especially if you're coming down from a lot of drugs and alcohol, or if the public-school system in the U.S. of A. failed you. Remember, New Mexico is not Mexico. We understand this can be confusing if you've never seen a map before. Also, border towns are often on both sides of the border, like Nogales, Arizona, and Nogales, Sonora, Mexico. First things first, right?
2.) Determine if you've actually committed a crime
Are you guilty of the charges you were jailed on? Is there a body? If you can say "no" to either of these questions, you might have a good defense -- that you didn't do it. There's also the high likelihood that you are in jail because you did break a law, which makes a lot of these tips more helpful, like . . .
3.) Be judicious with your bribes
People love a good bribing. It's also some age-old advice for the American traveler into Mexico. Sure, a nice $100 bill to the policía might get you out of jail for taking a piss on the sidewalk in a tequila-induced stupor. However, the worst part about the bribery game (aside from it being expensive) is that if it doesn't work, there's always the issue of bribery itself being a crime, thus increasing the chances of you being held in that Mexican jail.
4.) Find a Mexican attorney
This might be the worst part -- because you're waking up in a Mexican jail, all those attorney jingles from TV commercials in America that you've memorized over the years are now useless, since you'll be needing an attorney who's hip to the laws of Mexico. Lerner and Rowe is not the way to go (they're injury attorneys anyway, dipshit).1-800-THE-EAGLE and 877-96-LEGAL are equally useless in this situation. J.G. Wentworth isn't even a law firm. Call the consulate, they'll help you figure it out.