Attention Arizona Secessionists: Some Considerations for Your Brilliant Plan

az_confederate_flag360.jpg
chronicleoftheoldwest.com
With President Obama's re-election, the empty threat from the people who just loathe the Leader of the Free World has changed from "I'M MOVING TO CANADA" to "WE'RE SECEDING."

By "we're seceding," we're referring to the roughly 18,500 people who signed a petition on the Internet, asking the White House to let Arizona secede and start its own government. To those 18,500-plus, allow us to point out some things you may have overlooked in the planning process.

See also:
-Obama Haters Are So Upset That They're Asking the White House to Let Arizona Secede

  • You don't get the whole friggin' thing

Below is a map from the U.S. Geological Survey showing the amount of federal land in Arizona. The original is color-coded by type, we just blacked out the federal land, so the maximum amount of land you'd get is in white.

az-secede-1.jpg
Sucks, right? No federal forest land, no Grand Canyon, no Luke Air Force Base, no use of the Interstate system. Have fun kicking rocks. We're sure the Americans living in Arizona don't want to move, either, so you'd have to rely on donations. Those donations would likely be Sun City, Gilbert, and Apache Junction.

  • Have fun getting dominated by Mexico

We estimate that you'd have about a week before Mexico says, "Cool, we'll take this, if the U.S. doesn't want it." (They'd probably say it in español.) Tombstone would become a more-popular tourist attraction, as the location where 18,500 idiots got slaughtered, many of them hiding in the O.K. Corral, pretending they were in the Alamo. Any survivors would then become Mexicans, which is probably the top phobia among Arizona's nativists.

  • Any plan for the Native Americans?

A good amount of that federal land pictured above is allotted for American Indian reservations, managed by the feds. Since you're all going with the screw the government mentality, we suppose your new government could order some sort of forced relocation. Why not give something for the textbook-writers to sugarcoat down the road?

  • What the hell do you name it?

Listen, forget the logistics of the whole thing, since it's obvious nobody thought that far ahead. That said, why hasn't anybody picked a name for your new country? Suggestions from our readers thus far include "Dumbastistan," "State of Shitforbrainsylvania," "The Republikkk of Dumbfuckistan." Also, make sure you retain a sculptor throughout the movement, so he can erect that J.T. Ready statue outside the new capitol.

  • It sounds like you've got it all figured out anyway

As the commenter "Fukobama" explained yesterday, "Its got to start somewhere you stupid fucks." Go get 'em, tiger. Several people noted that a vast majority of the petition's signers aren't even from Arizona. This is quite literally the dumbest empty threat we've heard since "I'm going to kick your ass" was uttered on the playground in third grade.


My Voice Nation Help
111 comments
zebuhanareth
zebuhanareth

Didn't anyone read the Patriot Act? By calling for succession you can be considered (legally speaking) a terrorist. Now go read the Patriot Act to see what you have subjected yourself to.

Jason Roberts
Jason Roberts

Great art work. It says it all! We should all pitch in and get these Tea Party traitors a free bus ride to the border.

Wildthing3
Wildthing3

As I always say, Arizona is full of people who couldn't make it in California. Heck, the idiots couldn't even make it TO California. Can't we just kick the red/slave states out of the Union already? They're a pain in the ass ball and chain. Sucking off MY Liberal, Californian, job-creating, tree-hugging wealth. Takers. Haters.

brmorris65
brmorris65

Here's the question I'd like answered - what happens when the next presidential election is held and the people who seceded want back in because they like one or both candidates?

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

lol, these idiots and the others like them around the country are so funny, it's good comic relief

 

I'm surprised JAF is not on this article yet saying to do it and that Joe will keep them all safe when Mexico comes calling....

 

There is another petition on the White House site, one signed by people who want the Federal Government to tell these idiot tards they are free to leave anytime they like, don't let the door hit you on your big ass and big head on the way out of the country, traitorous fucks that they are.

 

I didn't like Bush, but I didn't start writing petitions to secede when he was elected or re-elected.

 

A couple of other points the article didn't cover.

 

- anyone can sign any of the petitions, doesn't matter where you live or what state you sign

- most don't even have last names

 

With those in mind the actual number of REAL people signing is nowhere near the number of signatures.

 

Just a few cry babies who have no idea what democracy is really about.

mikefrombisbee
mikefrombisbee

A small part of any population is extremist in their political beliefs. The Internet and the 24-hr. news cycle feeding frenzy makes them seem more important than they actually are.

wanumba
wanumba

To all the pissed off hillbillies and white trash that want to secede, go ahead.  Leave the country now.  We have no use for you...damned illegal aliens...go!

 

If you don't love America, then leave.

Nandoboom
Nandoboom

 Secession is just crazy talk but if they want to go live in Mexico then they can go. Happy holidays to everybody and get your gifts early http://thechno.notlong.com

sarum
sarum

I don't even believe the signatories to the secession petitions are real people. If they are, who are they? The people who have lost or are in process of losing their jobs based on the outcome of the election? The people who are looking forward to paying half their take home pay for family health insurance? I'm not stingy. I agree with universal healthcare. I don't agree with subsidizing a money/power grab for an already obscenely wealthy monopoly who profits from people's misery and in some cases clearly colludes to create that misery. If the signatories are real they are just exercising free speech - but first, prove to me they aren't just computer generated signatures.

truconserv
truconserv

Yea, The US would really miss moocher-state AZ.

 

That's right, AZ is a taker, sucking on the teet of the makers in the blue states.

 

Specifically, Arizona receives $1.60 FROM the federal government for every $1 it send TO the fed.

 

As a state AZ  voted for Romney - and he hates us! He thinks we're all a bunch of losers who refuse to take responsibility for yourselves.

 

New York state would love to see us leave ... just one less gaggle of mouth-breathers to feed.

 

http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/02/the-map-that-proves-red-staters-use-the-safety-net-too.php

paxiaynox
paxiaynox

I live in Arizona and have no fucking idea  what those  18,00 plus are thinking . There is no possible way  the state can do this but knowing my fellows they probably will try anyway . Financially this state is  doing horribly we have  one of the highest  rates of unemployment/people on federal welfare , ( which the states keeps cutting by the  way increasing the  number of impoverished and  homeless)   and  we  came in 48th in national test scores.  How the hell would these idiots survive?    That's assuming Mexico doesn't come over and  take over; which they  would in a heartbeat. The map above is right  most of Arizona  is federal land  and  guess what I live in the  black and I'm not going anywhere. I am an American citizen I'm proud of my country even though it has many faults. I think  and hope that it can be better one day if we all put these petty and childish  squabbling behind us . I may not agree with him always but he is my commander and  chief . I have the  right to disagree with him but in no way shape or form does that mean I would  try to secede or even think to . When something's not working  right  do you throw it away or fix it?  Please don't judge all Arizonians as backward animals like Arpigo or those 18,000 childish morons. I am worried though  

interloper
interloper

It's going to be a bitch to build that border fence!

BlackShadow
BlackShadow

When you black out the federal land, it looks like there is a shadow of a beast leaping up in the middle. Maybe it's a chupacabra?

QstionEvythng
QstionEvythng

Why are we even indulding these treasonous idiots by having this conversation?

Chris Stuckey
Chris Stuckey

The points you make are silly and pale in comparison to the real considerations that would have to be taken in such an endeavour. But you are right. No I am going to go kill myself for agreeing with the NT.

Bob Tyler
Bob Tyler

Migration theory: Columbus landed on the east coast. Smart stayed there. Hard workers to the Midwest and all fups to AZ!

Ruben DeClay
Ruben DeClay

I saw we let them secede then, go to war with them

Ricky Hollywood
Ricky Hollywood

Will the secessionists claim first amendment rights before they are hung for treason ?

themord
themord

AMERICAN MADE METAL

www.lustmord.us

www.facebook.com/lustmordofficial 

themord
themord

lets face it...the types of people that would want to succeed from the US shouldn't be in the country anyway.  So yes..let them do it then the state of az can send in the national guard and take the land back the day they leave and they can all be punished for treason and make them beg Obama to let them live.  Televise the whole thing so it shows the world how we deal with civil unrest. It would be a good PR move for the government.

seecamp32
seecamp32

Is that one percent, the available grey matter in the otherwise vacuous cranium?

clayfarrow
clayfarrow

I vote Douchecanoexico, because anyone who would secede over an ELECTION is a real douchecanoe.

Eric Flores
Eric Flores

please these morons don't have a plan just wasted paper.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @brmorris65

 

Tough shit

 

If it's an actual state, I still say tough shit, maybe if they are really really nice they can become a territory and in 15 years or so, then a state again

burt
burt

 @Flyer9753 And it's because of that that all internet petitions are totally fucking worthless. The only petition that carries any kind of weight is a physical one, with names of registered voters on it.

david_saint01
david_saint01 topcommenter

 @wanumba lol right...gtfo! then maybe we can have a level of normalcy again, along with a little cooperation and compromise. 

Andiidealist
Andiidealist

 @sarum

 Point me to where to sign, I will. Not because I dislike America, but because I dislike Arizona. There are many parts of it that do not deserve to be considered America. Just visit, you will understand. So much hate, so much violence. It was one thing when the crazies were kiling eachother, but it seems it will be a matter of time before one of them does something even worse then usual. Sometimes you have to sever a limb to save a body.

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @truconserv

 

Isn't it funny how the ones complaining the biggest about the new 'welfare' state are the biggest takers of federal welfare?

 

I had a guy the other day try to use this argument with me regarding California... not realizing California pays more into the Federal Govt. than it receives.... He got real quiet after being told that fact.

maxonepercent
maxonepercent

 @paxiaynox A big part of the reason our unemployment/finances/and test scores are so low is because of the massive illegal immigrant population.  I assume that the first thing to happen after a succession would be a massive deportation to California.  Also, Mexico can't even control its own country, they would pose no meaningful threat to AZ.

maxonepercent
maxonepercent

 @interloper Once the federal welfare is gone there will not be any need to build a fence because the illegals will have no interest in coming here anymore.

mrh0202201091
mrh0202201091

WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT>>cause like they say don t let the door hit you on the way out...cause you would be leaving with what you came in with ..AND THAT WOULD BE APROXIMATELY>>UMM NOTHING>>no nuclear weapons to protect yourself..cause we all know federal goverment has  all of them...none of them fancy planes you know them stealthy ones..no nuclear subs..no more social security checks and no more medicaid or unemployment checks cause we all know who issues them out...so like the say arizona would be the river with no paddle ..GOOD LUCK WITH THAT>>le

david_saint01
david_saint01 topcommenter

 @LegitQuestions to be fair, they have a right to leave if they want...and a right to bitch, moan, and groan, and accomplish nothing but just be part of the problem should they choose to stay...OR, they can muster up some intelligence and become part of the solution...

Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

 @LegitQuestions 

 

I make my living off the Evening News

Just give me something-something I can use

People love it when you lose,

They love dirty laundry

 

Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here

I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear

Come and whisper in my ear

Give us dirty laundry

 

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em all around

 

We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who Comes on at five

She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam In her eye

It's interesting when people die- Give us dirty laundry 

 

Can we film the operation?

Is the head dead yet?

You know, the boys in the newsroom got a Running bet

Get the widow on the set!

We need dirty laundry

 

You don't really need to find out what's going on

You don't really want to know just how far it's gone

Just leave well enough love

Eat your dirty laundry

 

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up

Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're stiff

Kick 'em all around

 

Dirty little secrets

Dirty little lies

We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie

We love to cut you down to size

We love dirty laundry

 

We can do "The Innuendo"

We can dance and sing

When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing

We all know that Crap is King

Give us dirty laundry!

 

I couldn't resist, but you are right, the media gives these idiots way to much attention

maxonepercent
maxonepercent

 @themord LOL.  Yes, executing political enemies on live TV is always good PR for the government...if you are Hitler!

MaskedMagician1967
MaskedMagician1967

 @clayfarrow Riiiight. 

 

13 states tried secession when Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

 

That's why America lost 620,000 men in 4 years of brutal fighting. 

 

Even when Lincoln won re-election in 1864, Lincoln was still a kind and generous man. He allowed the states that seceded the Union to rejoin.

 

These idiots who are claiming secession are playing a dangerous game of politics.

sarum
sarum

@Andiidealist Huh? Visit? AZ is in my blood.

sarum
sarum

@maxonepercent Ah . . . factions of Mexico are extremely organized and extremely well-armed - Fast & Furious was not the only operation to contribute. I'm not worried about the US gov't sending Marines since they have never had a problem with the invasion - just more debt slaves, more peasant policies for them, which they will collect on big - it's set up to be big money maker for them no matter what way it goes down for us.

david_saint01
david_saint01 topcommenter

 @maxonepercent  @paxiaynox lmao typical tea bagger...doesnt know his head from his ass, and spews nothing but insane bullshit. IF you want to leave dipshit, GTFO and dont let the door hit ya on the way out! Leave your ID and Passport also please, as you will then be required to submit a visa application cause YOU will be the illegal! HAHAHA

clayfarrow
clayfarrow

@MaskedMagician1967 And "playing a dangerous game of politics" DOESN'T make them douchecanoes?

paxiaynox
paxiaynox

 @david_saint01  @maxonepercent Look here  sugar, you obviously only read , " I'm from Arizona , ' and   went from there. if you took the time to read the entirety of my post you would have seen that  am against the  states  , including Arizona,  claiming that they want to secede. You would also  know that I don't want to secede from the union. So thank you very much for reminding me that there are  people like you out there.  Once again, please read the entirety of my post before you start insulting me . Thank you and have a fantastic freaking day 

 

david_saint01
david_saint01 topcommenter

 @maxonepercent  @paxiaynox then quit acting like a tea bag. If you were a true patriot you would focus all that energy into something positive, instead of talking about quitting the US. the only brainwashing in this country is done from the right, where they have news outlets spewing lies daily to perpetuate their bullshit positions. Watching Rove having a melt down by the way = best part of the election lol. im neither a dem or Rep, im an AMERICAN! And that means, if I dont like something i try to be part of the solution..not part of the problem. You should do the same. 

maxonepercent
maxonepercent

 @david_saint01  @paxiaynox So, you are presented with a statement of fact and what is your response?  "Tea Bagger!"  "Self-Deport!" "Obama!" "Four Legs Good!  Two Legs Baaad!"

 

In other words, your utter inability to reply without knee-jerk, pre-programmed responses shows that you are little more than another  borderline mentally-handicapped brainwashed tool of the Obama machine and his political masters.

david_saint01
david_saint01 topcommenter

 @maxonepercent  @seecamp32 LMFAO youd have to have more than two brain cells you dunce..and the last two you have left seem to be too busy kickboxing each other...go back to bullshit mountain tea bagger...

Now Trending

Phoenix Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Home

Loading...