Arizona Cardinals, Football Jesus Kevin Kolb Defeat New England Patriots

Categories: Sports
See also: Kevin Kolb Temporarily Replaces Tim Tebow as Football Jesus

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Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb has retained his temporary title of "Football Jesus" for another week, after New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow didn't do much of anything again, and Kolb led the Cards to a win over the New England Patriots.

Yes, the Cardinals defeated Tom Brady's New England Patriots in Foxborough, by a score of 20-18.

Sure, the defense deserves as much credit as anyone, as it held the Patriots' high-scoring offense to just one touchdown, but this Kolb dude is winning games.

The Cardinals started off the game with the ball, and started driving down the field -- converting two third downs along the way. On the third third-down of the drive, Kolb overthrew tight end Todd Heap, presumably to prove he's human. Jay Feely kicked home the 38-yarder for three.

Then Brady and the Patriots got the ball, for a good five seconds. Defensive lineman Darnell Dockett tipped Brady's first pass, and cornerback Patrick Peterson held on to take the ball back for the Cardinals.

Kolb would end up overthrowing Heap, but Feely was good for another three points, and the Cardinals led 6-0 in the first quarter.

The Patriots ended up putting together two semi-decent drives for the rest of the half, scoring two field goals. The Cardinals' offense remained stagnant, and the score was 6-6 going into halftime.

Coming out of the locker room, the Patriots put together another near-decent drive, and tacked on another three points.

The Cardinals couldn't get anything going on the ensuing drive, but neither could the Patriots on their next chance -- but Cardinals linebacker Quentin Groves doesn't like punts, so he smacked the hell out of the Patriots' punt attempt, and gave the Cardinals the ball two yards from the endzone.

Kolb -- after not doing such a great job at chucking the ball up to Larry Fitzgerald on second down -- threw one into Andre Roberts, who pretty much walked into the endzone for six.

The Patriots couldn't put together a drive yet again, and Kolb and the Cardinals got the ball back again late in the third quarter, and Kolb had the offense driving again.

Starting on their own 25 yard line, Kolb completed a pass to Heap, then Fitzgerald, then Heap again. Another pass to Fitzgerald was no good, but his next attempt to Early Doucet was.

Another pass to Rob Housler was good, and after a short run, the Cardinals were on the Patriots' five yard line early in the fourth quarter.

Kolb then went for the quarterback sneak -- you know, the play that's usually good for almost a yard -- and went straight into the endzone for five yards.

Halfway through the fourth quarter, the Patriots still weren't getting the offense going, as they scored another field goal, but everyone seemed to know that Brady would show up at some point, with the Patriots down 20-12.

He did, on the next Patriots drive, completing eight of 10 passes, and throwing a touchdown to former University of Arizona baller Rob Gronkowski. The two-point conversion failed, keeping the Patriots down 20-18.

With the ball and two minutes left, the Cardinals had the opportunity to kill the clock and let time run out if things went their way. Running back Ryan Williams ran for a first down, as the Patriots continued to burn timeouts, and the clock approached one minute remaining.

On third down, with 13 yards to go, Williams fumbled the football, as we were relegated to shouting and using Football Jesus' name in vain.

Typical Patriots. The game was in their hands now, as they started off 30 yards from the endzone. On the second play, the Pats' Danny Woodhead ran the ball into the endzone. But nay, said the replacement zebras. Gronkowski committed holding.

The Pats were able to move the ball to the 24 yard line, and set up Stephen Gostkowski for the field goal to win the game with just a few seconds left.

That sucker wasn't even close, as the near-automatic Gostkowski pushed it far left, as Kolb was able to take a knee to win the game for the Cardinals.

The Cardinals are now undefeated after two.


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