Arizona Cardinals Defeat Seattle Seahawks; Kevin Kolb Temporarily Replaces Tim Tebow as Football Jesus

Categories: Sports
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For the last year, people have regarded Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb as so crappy that they're almost serious when they ask if Jamarcus Russell is still a free agent.

But when John Skelton went down yesterday in the fourth quarter, with the Cardinals down by three to the Seattle Seahawks, Kolb played like the former Jesus of Denver, Tim Tebow, and the Cardinals actually won.

After the Seahawks hit a field goal to break the 13-13 tie on the early side of the fourth quarter in Glendale, Skelton started off the drive by getting sacked, then completing a nice pass to Andre Roberts.

Skelton got hit by a couple guys after tossing the pass, and ended up injuring his leg. While someone was probably already in the process of engraving a tombstone with a death date of September 9, 2012 for this year's Cardinals, Kolb still had a chance to show everyone he wasn't a worthless bum.

In vintage Kolb form, his first pass was an extreme overthrow of Larry Fitzgerald.

His next pass, on second down, actually went to Fitzgerald for a first down.

The next pass was incomplete, but then he targeted Fitzgerald again -- good for 23 yards. After a holding penalty on the next play, Kolb tried to hit Roberts, and although they didn't connect, the Seahawks' cornerback was flagged for pass interference. No complaints here.

Kolb then hit Todd Heap for 11 yards and another first down, and two plays later, connected with Heap again for another first down.

Kolb hit LaRod Stephens-Howling on a short pass to get to the four yard line, and on the next play, Kolb hit Roberts in the endzone for six.

Sweet Jesus.

The Seahawks still had a chance, though, as they got the ball down by four with just under five minutes left.

The Seahawks went right down the field -- with extra help from pass-interference calls on Patrick Peterson and William Gay -- as the Seahawks eventually got the ball on the six yard line with less than a minute to play.

Marshawn Lynch then ran the ball for two yards, and with 30 seconds left, the Seahawks took their fourth timeout.

Of course, teams don't get four timeouts in the NFL, and the Seahawks only got one because the replacement referees are garbage. After realizing they had just allowed the Seahawks to take a fourth timeout, the referees huddled and called people and huddled some more, presumably trying to figure out how to explain that one away without sounding like total jackasses. Their excuse still made them sound like jackasses, because they gave the Seahawks a fourth timeout.

With 30 seconds left, Seahawks rookie quarterback Russell Wilson still got three chances to advance the ball four yards to win the game.

That didn't happen.

Although Skelton was carted off the field after injuring his ankle, it was later described as a sprain. Any future quarterback controversy aside, it's party time. The Cardinals are undefeated through one.



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5 comments
HerbStanky
HerbStanky

I hate Wuznkunt but even he wouldn't joke about calling up Jabustus Russel.

tom10545az
tom10545az

how about that, it actually worked, the first string QB went down, and the back up took over and put the cards in front and once again, the defense squashed them...even if the seahawks had wwwaaaayyyy to many chances to score

the only thing i did not like was the FOX announcer...it was not a cards game and it was not a seahawks game, it was "the wilson show"...wilson this and wilson that, the cards dont have a great defense, wilson was a good rookie by not "forcing the pass"..etc, ect, etc

yourproductsucks1
yourproductsucks1

Keith Olbermann was a terrific sportscaster and a miserable politico. After reading this, I'd say the, metaphorically speaking, you are Keith Olbermann.

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