Winner of Best Reader Caption for Photo of Joe Arpaio's Geriatric Goon Squad: Painful Rectal Itch

James King

"All right maggots, crank up your Beltones and repeat after me: 'This is my clipboard. Thare are many like it, but this one is mine. My clipboard is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my clipboard is useless. Without my clipboard, I am useless. I must write on my clipboard. I will. Before God I swear this creed: My clipboard and myself are the defenders of my country. We are masters of our enemy, those who mow our lawns and cook our food. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there are no more Mexicans, but peace. Amen.'

​Congratulations to the New Times reader who goes by the handle Painful Rectal Itch, you are the proud winner of this week's New Times You Write the Caption contest (and you gave us an excuse to use the term "painful rectal itch" in a headline).

On Friday, we asked readers to provide what they think would be an appropriate caption for the above photo of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio's geriatric goon squad.

We picked the five best reader captions and put it to a vote.

See all the entries here.

Painful Rectal Itch stole the show with the following:

"All right maggots, crank up your Beltones and repeat after me: 'This is my clipboard. Thare are many like it, but this one is mine. My clipboard is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my clipboard is useless. Without my clipboard, I am useless. I must write on my clipboard. I will. Before God I swear this creed: My clipboard and myself are the defenders of my country. We are masters of our enemy, those who mow our lawns and cook our food. We are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there are no more Mexicans, but peace. Amen.'"

Thanks to everyone who played, and congrats again to Painful Rectal Itch -- to retrieve your grand prize of a firm handshake and a glass of lukewarm Phoenix municipal tap water, come to the New Times Building at 1201 East Jefferson Street in Phoenix. Go to the front desk and ask for James King any time after 1 p.m.