Arizona's Senate-Approved Birther Bill Could Force Presidential Candidates to Provide Documentation Describing What Their Penis Looks Like to Get on Ballot

Categories: I'm Only a Bill
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They don't call Arizona the "meth lab of Democracy" for nothing -- where else could a lack of foreskin prove citizenship?

The Arizona Senate formally passed the "Birther Bill" today, but not in its original version.

Apparently, requiring presidential candidates to provide a long-form birth certificate before allowing their names on the ballot in Arizona -- despite it already being a federal requirement to run for president -- was a bit too much for a few GOP lawmakers. So they made some amendments: if you can't find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice.

A circumcision certificate -- a document given to the parents of a male Jewish child after his foreskin is snipped off during a circumcision ceremony --  is not a legal document (see an example of one here) but if you have one, under the amended bill, it's apparently enough to prove you're a U.S. citizen and your name can be permitted on the ballot in Arizona.

Pulling out your penis in front of election officials, however, will not prove citizenship -- and, in the worst case scenario, could get you labeled a sex offender.

Some other ways to prove that you're not a Kenyan version of the Manchurian Candidate, as spelled out in the ridiculous bill, could be to provide a hospital birth record, a postpartum medical record, or an early census record.

See the amended version of the bill here.

While the bill, even in its original form, is comical/tragic in itself (Arizona legislators spent their time and your tax money coming up with a potential law that already exists at the federal level. Not to mention, it's in response to a repeatedly debunked conspiracy theory), the most comical aspect of the amended bill is that it seems to have been designed to make the legislation look less nuts -- many GOP lawmakers wouldn't sign on unless the far-right-wingers would lighten up about what types of documents would satisfy proof of citizenship requirements.

What they ended up with is a bill that requires a presidential candidate -- if all else fails -- to basically provide documentation describing what his penis looks like in order to get on the ballot in Arizona.     

Again: "meth lab of Democracy."

The bill now heads to the Arizona House of Representatives, where it has passed in the past, and likely will again.

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70 comments
How To Get Medical Records
How To Get Medical Records

None of them of your makes a difference for the reason that your dog was developed around The hawaiian, nonetheless, if perhaps Obama's momma appeared to be 19 if the woman obtained the pup, may possibly the woman were psychologically offer in the states to get 5 ages just after the girl's fourteenth birthday bash in advance of her entry into the world? Does indeed wikipedia currently have every facts about this? Fool.

Andi Murfy
Andi Murfy

Thanks for taking the time to discuss Approved Birther Bill, I feel stronglyabout it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gainexpertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It isextremely helpful for me. 

 tlh
tlh

What if the man has a restored foreskin?Usually it is done in private and no one knows.If they eventually have to prove it and they appear intact will they be thrown out of the country?And what about loose circumcisions that appear intact?

Tony
Tony

I carry my circumcision certificate every where I go. I call it my penis. I'm not surprised that republicans are can't bring themselves to stop thinking of genitalia, it's the curse that micro-phallused men live with on a daily basis. Circumcision certificate? Really? They must have the tiniest wieners of any political party in the world. South Koreans laugh at Paul Ryan's junk. Can I get a hell yeah Larry Craig?

linwin
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Old_redneck
Old_redneck

Muslim males are required to be circumcised. Does this mean Osama Been Forgotten can get on the Presidential ballot in Aridzona???

dratman
dratman

Of course if right wingers don't like your face or your background they will reject as a forgery every piece of evidence you might provide, including the description of your penis: "All he has to do is produce the original."

Sandew5358
Sandew5358

The MethLab of Democracy? Really? Seriously? Although Arizona does "pay through the nose" because of the Repuglicans....

RAGGEDT
RAGGEDT

Gotta figure that if there's a major lawsuit over this, case will end in a hung jury.

mswitchypoo
mswitchypoo

Absolutely absurd! If we have people like this in office is it any wonder we are headed for oblivion?

jackalope
jackalope

Does that mean Sarah Palin will have to show her penis?

katahdin
katahdin

Congratulations, Arizona, on passing the very first-in-the-nation 'keep that scary black man off the ballot' law. My sympathies to the sane residents of the state.

Specialist G
Specialist G

Seriously, Arizona: Stuff like this is why I cancelled a planned trip to take my kid to see the Cactus League last month. Y'all give grumpy old white people a bad name. Please, please get your house in order. I'd like my kid to see the Grand Canyon before he's twenty or you secede from the Union to start the Republic of Beckistan.

Ros Doneghy
Ros Doneghy

Congratulations Arizona in voting into office the DUMBEST group on earth to run your state. I guess your state is at full employment. Otherwise, why would they be wasting your MONEY to pass crap bills like this.

Boraxo
Boraxo

Its refreshing to see the GOP admit that the one thing they respect is a cocksucker.

(The moyle puts the infant's penis in his mouth to....oh, heck, just google it.)

Jules
Jules

I've been to over 20 britot milah (plural of bris milah aka bris) in my life, and have never seen the mohel place his mouth on the guest of honor's penis. There might be a few sub-sects of Jews who follow this minhag (custom) but this is not standard practice

Sandew5358
Sandew5358

OY! anyone willing to show a lack of foreskin, raise your hand.....YOUR HAND!!! not your lack of foreskin.

Red
Red

What do women have to show? Oh, I forgot, this is just about the current President.

S.A.
S.A.

A "long form birth certificate" is not a Federal requirement for running for President. Some states have longer forms and some have shorter, but all states are required by the "full faith and credit" clause of the Constitution to recognize each others' forms. Also, a natural born citizen may be born outside the country, as long as a parent was a U.S. citizen: hence, John McCain was eligible even though he was born in the Panama Canal Zone. Also, a natural born citizen who was born in the U.S. is not required to have parents were U.S. citizens at the time of birth. President Chester Arthur had a father who was a British citizen.

pdxnewdad
pdxnewdad

PROTIP! - Hawaii isn't the only state to abolish the issuance of long forms.

if you were born in 1989 or later, in Arizona, they only issue you the short form.check out the small print on page 2, under the "date of birth" box on Arizona's birth certificate request form.

http://www.vitalchek.com/fax-p...

"but .... how come Arizona's demanding Hawaii's long form if they stopped issuing them too??" - I dunno, guys, I dunno.

EndeavourAlways
EndeavourAlways

Why go abroad for regime change when you have excellent candidates in the US?

pdxnewdad
pdxnewdad

so does this mean you have to have a circumcised penis to become president?

you've come a long way, baby!

Emperor_Bob
Emperor_Bob

Never underestimate the stupidity of Arizona lawmakers.

Gary Denton
Gary Denton

Someone forgot to tell them most Muslims are circumcised.

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Golestan
Golestan

If that is directed against Muslims, then I have news for this parade of fools: It is a requirement by the Qur'an to have boys circumcised. :)

FakeBrisCertificate!
FakeBrisCertificate!

No Jew would accept or even use the circumcision document you linked to, and it has nothing to do with the lack of raised seal or other such birther BS. When you next have circumstance to search for a Bris certificate, please keep in mind that Jewish "official" documents never make referenfce to "Yeshua [Jesus] the Messiah" nor to they ever cite the Gospel of Luke.

Joe B
Joe B

I suppose next they'll pass a law saying a Death Certificate can be used as proof of citizenship. If it's good enough for voting in Chicago it should be good enough to be elected President in Arizona!

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Mark
Mark

Um...they do know that Muslims are circumcised too - right?

BobInDC
BobInDC

Doubtful. They are sooo terrified of big foreign penises.

Rob
Rob

So, an illegal Canadian immigrant whose been circumsized could be on the Arizona ballot?

Boraxo
Boraxo

Don't be ridiculous.

If you were Canadian, would you immigrate here?

Mikey1969
Mikey1969

EDIT: Double post somehow... Don't we all LOVE Disqus?

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teknik1200
teknik1200

They will look at Obama's birth certificate and without merit declare it a fake, or insufficient despite the raised seal and all.

Gerry_C
Gerry_C

OK, I see a problem in this. If I have a baby in Kenya, then immediately fly him to the U.S. for a circumcision, does that make him a native born U.S. Citizen in Arizona's eyes? Can a child at 16 use a circumcision certificate as identification to get a driver license in AZ? What if a terrorist came to the U.S. from say Egypt and got himself circumcised? Would the certificate serve as proof of his native born status?

Maybe I will set up a stand on the border selling circumcision certificates: "Why pick lettuce when you can be president?" If a circumcision certificate will let you prove your native born status to be president, then it should be sufficient for 1070 compliance when asked to show me your papers. Just whipping it out for the cop is probably not enough because one could be circumcised anywhere. There is nothing like and Arizona circumcision.

Tommy Collins
Tommy Collins

Conversely, should I decided to defect from the United States and seek citizenship in... oh let's say France... do I need to have completed a circumcision reversal operation before hand? If so, where does one attain such 'skin'? Also, will it matter what the 'race' of said skin might be? If say, for instance, one has foreskin from an African American attached to the male member of a Caucasian, what would the expansion result be?

It's all so damn confusing. Can't we all agree that it's just best to elect a female next time?

Mikey1969
Mikey1969

If you're a US citizen and your child is born in Kenya, than that child is a US citizen if you have spent 10 years of your life in the US, at least 5 being after the age of 14... No need to go the circumcision certificate route...

mikefrombisbee
mikefrombisbee

In the case of the shurf, his penis description would be "extends above the collar of his uniform shirt."

Clarity
Clarity

I think The Sheriff and Pearce are due for a weenie roast. Wasn't the Sheriff Italian? And would he pass the wiener test?After all, he is the biggest wiener of them all.

3rdStreetatThomas
3rdStreetatThomas

The ramifications of this bill are far more outreaching. If its proven constitutional (which it won't) it allows the AZ AG to deny a candidate. For any party this means your ability to chose a candidate is limited based on the political whims of the Attorney General. This is my interpretation of the bill.

I think its time for me to consider a strategic default on my mortgage and leave this state given the Legislature and its John Birtch logic.

david saint
david saint

yea, and Horne has quickly proven he will cave to the right, so Dems need to get dirt on him fast (which there is plenty of i might add)

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