Naked Phoenix Man Found in Backyard. Tells Cops He has (Ahem) Interesting Plan -- and He'd Like Them to Watch

calvert.jpg
MCSO
Donald Calvert has a pants problem -- he hates wearing them.
A peaceful February afternoon was disrupted for a Phoenix family yesterday when a completely naked man hopped a fence and strutted around their backyard. After being taken into custody, the man had an interesting plan, which he described to police in way (way) too much detail.

Cops got a call about 4:20 p.m. yesterday that a naked guy was walking in the area of 4800 Palm Lane in Phoenix.

According to court records obtained by New Times, when police got the scene, they found 31-year-old Donald Wayne Calvert completely naked and hanging from a backyard fence in an alley behind the house. Despite being naked, Calvert was cooperative and took a seat in the officers' cruiser.

Police talked to the residents of the house -- a woman and her two minor daughters -- who told them Calvert was completely naked when he jumped the fence into their yard and tried to moon them through the window.

Meanwhile, back at the police cruiser where Calvert was still naked and now rambling about laws and "the system," the officers tried to question him. He had a better idea.

"Hey, look, I'm going to finger-bang my asshole and I want you to watch," Calvert told the cops.

Calvert refused to put on clothes and rode to the police station naked before finally agreeing to put pants on when he arrived. But he wasn't done.

Once at the precinct, Calvert had again had it with wearing pants. He stripped back down to nothing and raised hell in his holding cell.

"Check this out, chicks dig this," he told cops -- while standing on a bench in the cell and masturbating.

Then he took a quick piss on the floor before being taken to the Fourth Avenue Jail.

Court docs indicate Calvert is an alcoholic and a drug addict who was under the influence when he decided to show up naked in a Phoenix family's backyard.

Calvert was booked on two counts of felony indecent exposure, one count of misdemeanor indecent exposure, and one count of trespassing.
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38 comments
Marcy
Marcy

Is there some reason he shouldn't be sent to a rendering vat ASAP?

BeatIt
BeatIt

Ladies and gentlemen, Please note that it appears that the woman and her children were living without a man present! If you have children, and leave their mother, you are exposing your children to being victims of guys like this!If you men can't get over your selfishness and stand by your commitments to your wives, keep your peckers in your pants for EVERYONE'S sake! And ladies KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, if you can't honor your commitments to your husbands!Nuff said!

Marcy
Marcy

You sound as nuts as Donald

Coz
Coz

Are you sure he's not a politician ?

ernie lopez
ernie lopez

This is one funny story. I;ve shared it with many people.

Pit Boss
Pit Boss

""Hey, look, I'm going to finger-bang my asshole and I want you to watch," Calvert told the cops."

I think this guy is a genius. How many people would have thought to say the perfect line to a cop at the perfect moment? He should either go into politics or get his own talk show. Anything less would lead me to believe there is no God.

Marcy
Marcy

If he was Sarah Palin's son he would be lining up a talk show gig as we speak and buying a house in Maricopa.

wherewasi
wherewasi

I don't know... words escape me on this one.

I usually have something to contribute, but in this case I'm just "deer in the headlights".

I hope everyone involved has a chance to talk this over with a therapist and I wish you all the best of luck!

WTF?!?

Horny Dave
Horny Dave

go beat off and you will feel better afterwords.

Keith Pilat
Keith Pilat

If you are on meth....get away from it any way you can.....and you can

Marcy
Marcy

If you are on meth, try to swim from San Diego to Hawaii by yourself.

BR549
BR549

MESS WITH METH , MESS WITH DEATH. MESS WITH METH AND GO TO PRISON OR END UP HOMELESSNESS AND TOOTHLESS.

Soapdodger
Soapdodger

This is just another sad commentary on the state of the Phoenix anarchist movement...

Johnny White Man
Johnny White Man

Sandland is full of Meth-ridden zombies like that one in the mug. The *REAL* sad part is that he was a RepubliPUKE supporter, just like the rest of them GOP KKKrackers.

Guess
Guess

Typical "White trailer trash" junky.....

Montemalone
Montemalone

You guys in Phoenix are a fun crowd.

BR549
BR549

most are mental desert weirdos around here. its like one of those 1950s science fiction movies about weird desert folks except its real.

Tracy4good
Tracy4good

And damned proud of our stuff, too !!!

Guest
Guest

"Chicks dig this"

AHAHAHAHAHA.

James King
James King

Honestly, I thought that was funnier than the butt hole comment.

Keith Pilat
Keith Pilat

Too funny and too sad.........guy sounded happy though LOL

jeremx
jeremx

i dunno.. he doesn't look too happy in that mug shot.

Keith Pilat
Keith Pilat

No...not happy.......using too long destroyed the brain.

He's My Right Hand Man
He's My Right Hand Man

JAMES KING,I'm holding you personally responsible for promoting this new "spectator sport".This non-sense of gettin naked on a cold afternoon, then going outside to masturbate for the folks is getting out of hand... so to speak...First there was good old Calvin, who enjoyed climbing into a tree and "Simonizing" the cars passing by on the street below him. That he would do such a thing was weird enough; that he would admit to it in public as though he had no shame for the deed is way off the chain.Then you reported on Teddy Bear Ruiz, who had a fantasy for freakin with the po-leese and not even paying for a motel room. And now this dude ?!?! You should be ashamed of yourself this copycat kinda stuff.

Horny Susie
Horny Susie

with meth you can fuck and fuck all night long with a pretty sexy lady. thats why so many guys and girls love that shit. its a 100% fuck drug. to bad its not legal. the world needs more great fucking like that.

Marcy
Marcy

Meth heads tend to have sex with other meth heads who are only pretty and sexy when you are high on meth. To people who aren't jacked up those pretty sexy women are ugly old skanks.

HeadlessWhoreseman
HeadlessWhoreseman

You people are the walking DEAD!One MORE reason not to extend health care coverage to "all" citizens!!!Pay for your OWN funerals!

Artor
Artor

Eew. I've seen too many "pretty sexy ladies" after they've done too much meth. Not pretty, not sexy. Do not want!

James King
James King

I don't know, I still think "Teddy Bear" takes the cake. I do realize, however, that my job would be much more difficult if it weren't for meth.

He's My Right Hand Man
He's My Right Hand Man

JAMES KING,More difficult ? Perhaps, though I think You'd find it rather disconcerting to know just how many of your more un-humorous stories involve people who did things and performed indefensible acts while under the "G"s influence, and the situation was such that their drug induction was not reported by police due to the more urgent aspects of the arrest.I once told a cop years ago that this city's residents had no true conception of the pervasive use of Methamphetamine. How many cars pass you driven by a tweeker who can hide his high better than a less experienced user. How many people you come into contact with in business who can speak clearly and convincingly on the business at hand, but inside their minds images of naked human forms and physical contact of any given kind are replaying over and over.It is a parallel environment one enters when taking the magic "G" carpet ride.Steve Tracy

1960s Biker
1960s Biker

most Hells Angels members are functional tweekers to James King. get to know them better and you will see what im talking about. they cook, snort and sell their own angel made crank and its alot better than mexican meth or ice.. Hells Angels Dennis is one of the best crank cookers around these here parts. by the way that story on mike yevtuck was great. he took the bait and ran with it till his own tweek or crank was used up.

James King
James King

I was just talking to someone about that very issue -- the functioning tweekers. How they go undetected while others do stuff like this guy and "Teddy Bear" is pretty interesting. Some people just can't handle their shit, I suppose.

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