You Are NOT the Father! Arizona Mobile DNA Lab Brings Maury-esque Paternity Tests to People's Homes

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​Attention hood rats, hookers, and hillbillies throughout Arizona: You no longer have to go on The Maury Povich Show to find the identity of your baby-daddy.

A company called Arizona Mobile DNA Services is bringing the joy of knowing that "you're NOT the father" right to your living room.

AMDS is a DNA lab whose employees will come to clients' homes, and for the low price of $399, give them a legally admissible paternity test.

It's almost like that cool mobile crime lab they have on CSI, but AMDS is looking for fathers, not murderers.

The organization claims national studies suggest that as much as 30 percent of tested men in the United States are excluded as the biological father as the result of paternity tests 

"We offer a wide range of DNA tests, but specialize in legal, or court-admissible, DNA paternity testing. The services have been especially popular with mothers of newborns since we will go right to the hospital. Paternity attorneys have also embraced the service since they can have their clients tested right in their office for no additional charge," says AMDS President Ilaiza Perez.

For an extra $199, AMDS will throw in additional tests for multiple "alleged" fathers. No word, however, on whether AMDS will train clients on how to most convincingly snap their fingers and say things like "no he didn't," and "you don't know me" before sobbing hysterically and running off stage.