I Chaperoned a Middle-School Valentine's Day Dance

Categories: Serrano Time

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Flickr via jose_kevo
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book, and writes this weekly column about his life and times.

3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school's Valentine's Day dance. A line of about 100 kids is already waiting to get into the cafeteria, which is where we hold all of our school's dances. In the movies there's always, like, a decorations committee or whatever worrying that everything's not going to be finished in time for the dance and will be ruined. That's not how it works in real life.

You know who the decorating committee is at a middle school in real life? Four janitors. Do you know how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The dance is ready, and the kids go goddamn nuts for it. That's a little thing called being efficient.

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Things That Need to Happen at My Funeral

Categories: Serrano Time

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Flickr/Javier Lopez Zavala
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book, and writes this weekly column about his life and times.

Earlier this week, I went to the funeral of a person that I cared about. While I am of course happy that he will get to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with the woman that he loved (who was there waiting for him), I am sad for myself and for my family because he is someone we all cared about deeply. This is not a remembrance post, though. My wife, this particular man's granddaughter, wrote one far better than I could ever hope to do. This, my true best friends, is a blueprint.

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These Are the Songs They Play at a Kid's Skating Rink Birthday Party

Categories: Serrano Time

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Flickr via tonyjcase
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book. In his column, he writes about his life and times.

Among many other things, my twin six-year-olds sons think I am Manu Ginobili when the Spurs play basketball on TV; the model for the Georges St-Pierre action figure, which we gave my wife for Christmas one year; Paco from Bloodsport; and the guy inside the blue Power Ranger costume. They think all of these things because I told them all of these things, because when you're a dad you can just lie about shit and your kids will believe you.

With tiny humans whose brains are nearly empty living in your house, you can be whomever you want. Did you know that I once got into a fistfight with Thor? Or that I taught the Pope how to pray? That I have the muscle density of a gorilla? Or did you know that I invented cars, and also lightning? Fact, fact, fact, fact and fact.

Lying is the tits for dads, man. You know what the trade off is, though? Motherfucking birthday parties.

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My Son Talked to God and Got Him to Cancel School

Categories: Serrano Time

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Image by Waiting For The World/Illustration by Shea Serrano
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

Perhaps you do not know this because you do not follow weather trends of the Southeastern United States, but Houston has been getting properly pummeled by Meltankos (Norse God of Ice, obviously). A nasty frost forced closed all of the city's schools and many of its businesses last Friday. The roads were so treacherous and lethal and unforgiving that, even despite the limited traffic, there were more than 500 accidents.

But the front moved in and out quickly. By Saturday (Friday evening, to be more accurate), it was safe to move around again. By Sunday, it was downright pleasant. And by Monday, the schools were fully operational again. At least they were, until one of my six-year-old sons called God.

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Here's Why You Shouldn't Have Your Kids Help with Your Book About Hip-Hop

Categories: Serrano Time

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Notorious B.I.G., ready to die.
[In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

I am working on a new book.

I cannot say too much about it yet, other than:

1. it's with the same company that published Bun B's Rap Coloring And Activity Book.

2. it will be a real actual book with real actual words, and illustrations and charts and stickers and all sorts of other neat stuffs.

3. I have until November to finish it, which means that every day until then I will be overcome with infinity pressure, which means that sometime around July I'll place my head in an oven and never be heard from again.

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Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha: Why This Video Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Shea
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book.

Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was 12-years-old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many were watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that it would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.

Alas, that did not happen:

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A Few Ways 2014 Could Help Make Hip-Hop Less Terrible

Categories: Serrano Time

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Shea

Note: in his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

2013, Do you remember Chance The Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was super entertaining. I like him a lot. Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful. He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.


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Take This Kanye West Quiz. It Has Funny Illustrated Clues!

Categories: Serrano Time

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All illustrations by me. I'm Shea.
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done. That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying, because I watched Inception on TNT the other day and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember what you changed your email password to. Fuck you, password.

Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer. Kanye may be insufferable but he's also the tits.


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Eminem and Rihanna's "The Monster": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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Marco Torres
Eminem has gotten soft in his old age. Oh, well.
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again and THIS TIME HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh my God this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

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R. Kelly's Black Panties, as Reviewed by Adorable Baby Animal GIFs

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.

At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.

Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But that would have required using anime pornography, which wasn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!

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