Questlove (Questlove Jenkins) @ Instagram

Listen, you not as cool as Questlove, so knock it off.

Of all the stupid things we do with our phones, Instagram might be the worst. Not only has the app falsely convinced us all we're professional photographers, but it's done something even worse: It's encouraged our worst vainglorious tendencies. No one is Amaro-toning his or her real life. There are no 'Grammed photos of rashes or credit card statements; it's all fake, stylized versions of our day-to-day lives. We all should uninstall. Your Instagram profile? It should go. Mine? Definitely.

But Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson, of hip-hop combo The Roots, can keep his.

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Call it the chief paradox of modern pop culture: Most reality television shows blow, but we keep watching, because in a weird way, they're as compelling as they are mindlessly entertaining: The exploits of Honey Boo Boo's family may be exploitative, but, dammit, if they don't love each other. The Kardashians are the very definition of that "first world problem" meme, but we continue to watch, eager to bitch-slap Scott "Lord" Disick and watch Kim dab Kourtney's breast milk on her legs.

Which brings us to RuPaul's Drag Race, which finds itself in an interesting position, propelled higher than "so bad it's good" accolades to the perfect hodgepodge of music, drama, creativity, humor, and glamour.

See also:

-Sharon Needles @ Phoenix Place Hotel and Suites

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[Editor's note: The following post by Houston writer and ESL teacher Shea Serrano was named the best blog post of the year in the first-ever Voice Media Group music writing awards. Originally published by our sister blog, West Coast Sound at L.A. Weekly, it's a hilarious real-time account of an afternoon spent chaperoning a junior high dance. Read more about the VMG music writing awards here.]

By SHEA SERRANO

1:04 pm: In about 25 minutes, I'm going to be chaperoning a middle school dance. The dance is for the school's graduating 8th graders, of which there are several hundred. I've probably chaperoned fifteen of these things already. It's like being a bouncer at a night club, except this party will take place in a cafeteria and nobody told me not to let in Black or Mexican people.

1:08: Oh shit. They're serving free cake at this dance. That's actually kind of great. There'd probably be less hostility at proper night clubs if they gave away cake, right? Once when I was in a club, I got into a bit of a tiff with a gentleman. Shortly thereafter I snuck up behind him on the dance floor and punched him in his ear as hard as I could. I'm almost certain that wouldn't have happened if I'd had a slice of Italian Cream Cake on a Styrofoam plate in my hands. Fuck your nightclub for not serving cake, yo.

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Does this look like Michael Bolton? Exactly.

By John Seaborn Gray

Used to be you'd have to hit bar after bar until you found just the right jukebox, which promptly became your own personal lair of alcohol consumption. Folks demanded more freedom of choice, however, so many bars have switched over to Internet jukeboxes, where you can download your song of choice on the spot.

But when used improperly, Internet jukeboxes are proof that democracy DOES NOT WORK. So don't just learn the following rules for yourself: Learn them FOR AMERICA.

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"But these rolling papers...got lyrics on 'em." --Snoop Dogg

See also: Jackalope Ranch's Five Other Books We'd Like to Smoke

Move over Gene Simmons -- the Snoop Dee-oh-double G is poised to eclipse you in terms of marketing gimmicks.

You know all those times you've been chillin', wishing you could toke up using mock-handwritten lyric sheets of Snoop Dogg songs? Well, thanks to Snoop's Smoke Book, your dreams are finally about to come true.

With its creative title, match striker spine, twine cover, and rolling papers featuring lyrics to Snoop jams like "Drop It Like It's Hot" and "Gin and Juice," Smoke Book is kinda awesome, in that "Hey, that's cool that exists" way. Getting your hands on one might be tough, though. It's being marketed with "elite distribution," says San Francisco ad agency Pereira & O'Dellwhich, which is industry code for "You've got to be a really big Snoop fan to drop a bunch of money on this thing and then torch it with some some weed you scored from that kid who works at Arby's."

"I made this book so people can always remember, you can roll with an expert. You can roll with Snoop. Get it together," Snoop says in a supremely laid-back video promoting the ridiculous new item. (Which doesn't actually seem to be available to purchase anywhere, though a limited edition of the book is being considered for online sale.)

Apparently, Snoop Dogg posters sold at Coachella Music and Arts Festival (hey, he's headlining) will come with sample papers attached. Don't worry, that kid from Arby's is going, and he's totally got a hook up behind the Gobi tent.

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All photos from onetinyhand.com

Everybody's doing it.

Celebrities tend to have a knack for influencing everything from dressing styles, speech patterns and attitudes to spending habits. I mean, just imagine where the plastic augmentation industry would be if it weren't for them.

Musicians in particular have always captivated us with their general sense of cool. Just last week I woke up and was like, "I want to dye my hair blue and start wearing spandex." (Don't worry, I didn't, but I had to pause.)

Butt implants had their day and bulging eye contacts almost ruined all of our eyesights, but thankfully those trends are all behind us. Say hello to One Tiny Hand. Check out these pictures of some of our favorite music celebrities that are sporting the new look.

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Anthony Sandoval

He's not saying you're guilty, he's just saying you did it.

Amid his own investigation by the feds, Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference yesterday afternoon to discuss the preliminary findings of his "cold-case posse" that suggests President Barack Obama's birth certificate is in fact a forgery.

Arpaio and lead investigator of the volunteer posse Mike Zullo say that the document provided by the president to stamp out "Birther" doubts, "has failed every test we have put it to."

Inspired by our sheriff's diligence in solving this pressing matter, we at Up on the Sun decided to conduct our own investigation into some of music's more famous forgeries.

Given the severity of the offenses and the impact they have had on the music community, our investigations were 100 percent funded by taxpayers. (Thank you.)

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Cover your eyes, DJ!ZZ is coming atcha!

​What's in a name? If you're a DJ, hopefully it's something clever, unique, or at least a nickname that sounds cool.

For some DJs starting out in the business, it's often a difficult choice to make. The handle has to be catchy, memorable, marketable, and look good on a flier.

We've seen plenty of DJ monikers over the years, including many that were good (Osama Spin Laden, Jungle Jim), bad (DJ Booth, DJ Weddings), and downright tasteless or groan-worthy (Bassline Killer, Muppetfucker).

And then there's local selector Gilbert Robertson, who -- in our humble opinion -- probably chose the worst nom de guerre ever: DJ!ZZ.

Needless to say, we're willing to bet the dude doesn't get hired to work at a lot of weddings.

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Bears of Manitou

As a rule, I think band's should rip off as much as they can from Hall and Oates. I'm not talking some goofy, ironic appreciation of the fashion or mustache, I'm talking musically -- Hall and Oates are badass, and their string of hit singles is an enduring example of how to do it right: compact, tuneful, funky, and poppy as hell.

So I was feeling good a couple week's ago when Tucson Weekly and occasional New Times contributor Dan Gibson hipped me to the "Dial-A-Song" -like Callin' Oates hotline, a minor miracle in which you call 1-719-26-OATES and can select and listen to a few of Hall and Oates' greatest hits (all without leaving your cellphone).

Local folkers Bears of Manitou got the message loud and clear, and have launched their own hotline. Simply call 1-866-25-BEARS and you'll be greeted by a robotic message:

"Welcome to the Bears of Manitou hotline. Please listen to the following options because you have probably never heard them before."

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Alright, slacker.

There's no more denying it: the holidays are here, and you need to get on that shopping list. Luckily, Up on the Sun has caught gift guide-fever, and over the course of this week we'll be offering you suggestions for the entire family.

It's hard to forget your metal-loving uncle -- even if you kinda want to.

Here are a couple of musical suggestions to slide under his mini-Jack Daniels bottle-bedecked Christmas tree.

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