An Open Letter to J Mascis

Categories: Funny

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Justin Lapriore
Please respond, J Mascis... Please?

Dear J Mascis:

First of all, I am a big fan. From the first time I heard Dinosaur Jr back in the late 1980s to this very day, I have been a little awestruck. Your career is one any diehard music aficionado can respect. The first time I drove down Interstate 91 in Massachusetts and saw the exit for Amherst, I immediately thought of you. Maybe you were there then. I'm not a stalker, but swinging through your town did cross my mind. You have to have been in a lot of cool places, Mr. Mascis, since you have played in a bunch of great bands and released a ridiculous amount of music in the past 32 years.

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The Worst Songs From Pornhub's Song Search Contest [NSFW]

Categories: Funny, Lists

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A capture from Coolio's Pornhub video
Coolio teamed up with Pornhub to release a music video earlier this year.

It's anyone's guess why the world's largest porn site is trying to get into music (maybe because no one likes paying for either?), but that's exactly what Pornhub is attempting to do. First they tried to make Coolio relevant again with a boring video featuring chicks wagging their silicon-filled breasts everywhere (this link is so NSFW that I really hope you get fired if you click it). Besides being more grotesque than arousing, Coolio seems as excited about titties as a 13-year old who just discovered Playboy. Now, Pornhub wants to bring out the 13-year old in you by hosting a songwriting contest.

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Vanilla Ice vs. Wiz Khalifa: Who Made the Better Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Anthem?

Categories: Funny

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Rapper Wiz Khalifa is a mere three years my junior. What this means, perhaps of more importance than any other similarity, is that he and I shared a significant adolescent infatuation with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

None of us were immune.

Turtle action figures were a mainstay across many a basement rec-room, and every kid I knew found a turtle personality to attach themselves to. (Interestingly, Khalifa has claimed Donatello, though his weed-centric persona suggests more of a Michelangelo affinity; the lack of self-awareness in the square kids who claimed Raphael or the introverted kids who claimed Leonardo always seemed so strange to me.)

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All Hail Babymetal, the J-Pop-Loving Metal Band of the Damned

Categories: Funny

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Earlier this month, news circulated widely that a metal group called Unlocking the Truth have inked a record deal worth $1.7 million with Sony Music Entertainment. Loads of outlets picked up on the item, including People, CBS News and other places where you wouldn't expect to read about no-name metal acts making business moves. Why all the hubbub? The extravagant dollar amount wasn't the draw (though it had to help), but rather the ages of Unlocking the Truth's members. The band is made up of one 12-year-old and two 13-year-olds. It's pretty odd to imagine a bunch of middle-schoolers getting deep enough into metal -- and being in-demand enough -- to make a career out of music, much less one that yields seven figures.

But if that gaggle of metal-loving minors have a peculiar story, Babymetal's is positively freaky.

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6 Worst Music Videos Shot in Laundromats

Categories: Funny, Lists

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Photo by the author

These days, music videos are essential to the whole music making process. It's one of the easiest, most effective ways to really burn into someone's head whatever you're trying to play. It also tends to make your lo-fi Bandcamp "release" more "official." And the best thing is, these days you can do it with a cell phone camera and some masks you bought at Party City. But if you want people to really pay attention to you, you might want to avoid these cliches. First up, music videos shot in your local laundromat. 

I guess I understand why so many videos (literally hundreds, it seems) are shot in Laundromats. They are generally well-lit, unsupervised, pseudo-public places that probably don't require permits to film in and feel both familiar and modest. But that doesn't mean your video won't totally suck there. Don't believe it? Take a look.

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The 10 Biggest Douchebags in Country Music

Categories: Funny, Lists

Courtesy of the label
Luke Bryan

By Mike Seely

Mainstream country music gets an unfair rap as being universally over-polished and formulaic, a notion that artists like Kacey Musgraves and Eric Church obliterate every time they strap on their guitars. But there's a granule of truth to the stereotype, and a particularly damaging sub-genre -- known as "bro-country" -- is lending it far too much credibility right now.

Booze, chicks, jacked-up pickups, extreme redneck sports, spring break -- artists like Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line and even Blake Shelton are leaning way too heavily on such themes in their music these days, and the entire trope can be summed up in one word: douchey. Yet bro-country isn't the only brand of 'baggery currently afflicting Nashville. No, douchebags are a diverse lot, and here are the 10 biggest 'bags currently cranking out (s)hits in Music City today:

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I Went to Phoenix Comicon to Learn About Raves, and All I Saw Was a PowerPoint

Categories: Funny

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Benjamin Leatherman
Some ravers from Bubble Bobble 6. Full slideshow here.

Phoenix Comicon is currently going on, and the "Premier Pop Culture Experience" in the Southwest is really delivering this year with more vendors, more cosplays, and more music based events. One such event was Friday's "Raving Is Fun" panel. The way it was described in the Comicon programing guide was "Learn everything you need to know to get started raving. We'll talk about everything from what to wear, music, dancing, and more! The Renegades will show you how to make the most of your rave experience. You don't want to miss this panel!"

So I thought the panel would be discussing the local rave scene. From what I understand Phoenix has steadily maintained a solid scene for the Candy Kids, and though it occurred to me that Comicon promoting underground parties seemed weird, I overruled the thought by thinking about how many anime tie-ins there are in the rave scene, and the fact that everyone loves dark rooms with strobe lights, right?


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Dyro on How Working with Hardwell and Tiësto Was "At First a Little Bit Intimidating"

Categories: Funny

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twitter.com/dyromusic
Dyro
Dutch-born DJ and producer Dyro has experienced rapid success in dance music over the past few years. He's produced successful original singles like "Metaphor," "Leprechauns and Unicorns," and "Black Smoke." Not only that, he's also collaborated with names like Tiësto, Bassjackers and Hardwell.

Currently, he holds a residency at Light in Las Vegas and will be hitting some of the major spring and summer festivals over the next few months like Ultra and Mysteryland.



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Why Phoenix's Biggest Miley Cyrus Fan Matt Peterson Should Be Admired

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Photo by Troy Farah
Local Miley Cyrus über-fan Matt Peterson (and his tongue) outside Aside of Heart.

Some people will do just about anything for a shred of acknowledgement from their pop idols. For Arcadia High School student Matt Peterson, that meant filming himself naked on Camelback Mountain with his no-no area obscured by a foam twerk finger as he asked his celebrity crush Miley Cyrus to the prom.

As things like this go, the video quickly went viral, reaching more than 300,000 views in less than a week, stopping just short of a million before Warner Brothers claimed copyright and yanked it from YouTube. (Peterson since has uploaded it again.)

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Anchorman's Ron Burgundy Tries Heavy Metal, Hatebreed on for Size

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Hatebreed
Whenever my brothers and I are together, it's pretty difficult for anyone to understand our conversation unless they have a strong knowledge of Dumb & Dumber, Ace Ventura, or Anchorman quotes. And when I heard there was going to be an Anchorman: The Legend Continues film, I had my hopes set high.

And when heavy metal is combined with either movies or sports, it's always a win. So when I heard that Anchorman's "Ron Burgundy" (a.k.a. Will Ferrell) made an appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, a sports talk radio show with a host that has a solid appreciation for heavy metal, I was pretty stoked.

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