Phoenix Blog

Sorry, Adam, even your goth angel wings couldn't save you. Single tear.

Coming into last night's finale, even the most ardent Kris Allen fans would have to admit that their adorable little troubadour was a long shot for the big title (check this out if you missed the play-by-play). The media (myself included) had pretty much already declared Adam Lambert the successor to David Cook's Idol crown weeks ago. Most anticipated a Lambert-Gokey showdown, during which Lambert would mop the floor with Gokey (shod in fantastic platform boots and a floor-length black trench coat, obviously).

But what we didn't account for was the scrappy-dooness of "The Cute One," the underdog who clawed his way from the middle of the pack to become a frontrunner. When Gokey got kicked off last week, it was clear that Idol viewers heads weren't exactly where we thought they were (which, in that case, I would argue was a very good thing).

And Kris delivered Tuesday night, with respectable, radio-ready versions of "What's Going On" and "Ain't No Sunshine" (let's not even go near the Kara song, agreed?)."

Despite all this, I'm not going to pretend I didn't almost spit up the giant swig of Coke I had just taken when Kris was actually announced as the winner.

PictureGroup for Fox

American Idol finale: Out come the claws. Mee-yow!

So, my American Idol-watching comrades, after several months (it feels longer though, doesn't it?) of the hard work and dedication it takes to be glued to our television sets for at least three hours every week, we finally get the proverbial money shot: Adam Lambert vs. Kris Allen, or, as Seacrest referred to it, guy-next-door vs. guyliner. Oh, Seacrest, how I'll miss your witty quips this summer. Maybe I'll find a bored, precocious, short, child to tell me his favorite jokes for the next few months. It'll be almost like the same thing.

So, like last season, Idol used the boxing metaphor to bring added "drama" to the proceedings, with Seacrest asking Simon to pick a winner at the end of each round of songs. The irony is that I don't think, like David Cook and David Archuletta before them, either Adam or Kris could successfully land a punch if their well-manicured-hair's lives depended on it. At least this time the producers didn't make them wear cheesy boxing robes. But there's always tonight, right?

Don't cry, Gokey. You always have a future as a Lenscrafters model...

I will be the first to admit that as excited as I am about last night's Idol results, I am also really shocked (as are a lot of other people, apparently). I think most people--whether they were Gokey fans or not--thought his large hausfrau fan base would keep him safe in the hopes that if he won, he would do dirty things to them with his glasses.

How quickly the Idol tables turn. Kris Allen gave Gokey a run for his money with his great version of Kanye West's "Heartless" Tuesday night, a performance that actually lent an air of mystery to the fate of that second finals spot (because, let's be honest, Adam Lambert secured his spot weeks ago).
 
Good for Kris.

We haven't had a good crazy-looking Adam picture for awhile. So here you go.

So after Allison Iraheta got kicked off American Idol last week, there was only one question that remained: Who would join guy-linered Adam Lambert in the finals?

I've made no secret about my Gokey hatred. But even I can admit that between him and Kris Allen, The Bespectacled One is going to be going mano-a-mano with Adam next week.

You can keep smiling, Kris, but it won't keep you from getting canned next week. Gokey has won the hearts and minds of the American housewife.

So I'll be the first one to cop to my American Idol obsession, but in the past I've always prided myself on being pretty level-headed about the show. I'd be by happy when somebody I liked made it through to the next round and the appropriate amount of pissed when somebody undeserving made it through.

But after last night's Idol elimination episode, I went all sorts of Incredible Hulk, my rage over Allison going home instead of Gokey causing me to wreak havoc throughout downtown Phoenix. OK, maybe it wasn't all that bad, but don't think I wasn't tempted to go turn over some tables at Cibo.

Seriously: WTF?? After Gokey's much-maligned Tuesday night performance of "Dream On," he should have been a goner for sure. But, as several readers have pointed out, Gokey (for some reason unbeknownst to me) has a rabid fan base that would probably vote their asses off if he got up on stage and did a yodeling version of Air Supply's "All Out of Love."

So I think we all knew going into last night's rock-themed episode of Idol that Danny Gokey was going to have problems. The guy is about as rock n' roll as my grandma after hip replacement surgery (Hi Nana!). I was honestly really excited to see him make a fool of himself, and, always eager to please, Gokey did not disappoint.

His version of Aerosmith's "Dream On" was just about the most perfectly horrible thing he could have done, and I watched half of it with my hands over my eyes, like a horror movie where you know the girl in the shower is going to get killed and you sort of want to see it and you sort of don't. The whole thing was off-pitch, but the best part came at the end when he decided to give us the Primal Scream of Death. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry or run to the bathroom to put some salve on my bleeding ears. Dude, you're performing a rock song in a freaking vest. Did you really expect us to buy it?

If you've been trolling the streets of Scottsdale in the hopes of bumping into hometown American Idol also-ran Scott MacIntyre, at the very least now you know where to find him July 20. MacIntyre, along with the other eight runners-up and whoever the Idol winner ends up being (cough--Adam Labert--cough), will swing by Glendale's Jobing.com Arena as a stop on their 50-city tour. Whip out your coveted Kris Allen coin purse, kiddies--tickets, which go on sale Saturday, start at $40.50.

Time to say goodbye, Giraud.

During his tenure on American Idol, Matt Giraud was like the Little Dueling Piano Player Who Could: Snubbed by the voting public in the Top 36, the judges made him one of their "judges choice" picks for the Top 13. Then, when he finally got voted off two weeks ago after his horrible performance during Movie Soundtrack Week, they used their save option to give him and the giant boil/birthmark on his forehead one more shot. And last week after yet another mediocre performance during Disco Week, viewers decided to keep him around for yet another week, letting Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai go home instead.

Even he acknowledged during last night's results show that he felt like Idol's "cat with nine lives." Giraud seems like a good guy, and he had to suffer the indignity of both being kicked off last night and watching yet another clip of him as an awkward pre-teen in a long-ago Christmas pageant, but I think even he would agree that his time had finally run out.

Think she's got one more week left in her?

So before we review last night's episode, can we please discuss the guest judges or the celebrity mentors or whatever they're calling them this season? They started out making sense, with Randy Travis and Smokey Robinson. But for the past couple of weeks, it's devolved into weirdness, with neo-pulp film director Quentin Tarantino and last night's Jamie Foxx, who I understand won an Oscar for portraying a singer, but by all accounts isn't a very good singer himself.

And next week, we get Guns N' Roses/Velvet Revolver axe shredder Slash, who, don't get me wrong, I have a deep and unabiding love for, but who, other than a couple of backing vocals on a couple of GNR B-sides, hasn't done any singing himself. I cannot wait to see how he interacts with Gokey, though. I'm really hoping that there's a beat-down involved. Just saying.

Oh Noopy, we'll be sad to see you go.

So let's get it out of the way at the beginning so we can move on to more pressing matters: Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds got kicked off Idol last night, and it was kind of sad to see them go, but nobody can say it was surprising, right? I would really have liked to see Matt Giraud go in place of Anoop, but Anoop really only had one more week left in him anyway, and Lil has been clinging on for dear life for the past few weeks. More than anything, though, I'll be sad not to see the completely adorable Mr. and Mrs. Desai in the audience every week. Single tear.

But more importantly: What the eff was up with the "entertainment" portion of the results show?

Now, having been a guest at many a bar mitzvah in my time, I can get behind "Get Down Tonight" from KC and the Sunshine Band. But the train wreck that was last night's disco medley--performed by has-been disco stars--was enough to make me permanently ban "Get Down Tonight," "Band of Gold" and "Don't Leave Me This Way" from any future cheesy party playlists.