Now Forming: The Church of Music

Can I Get a Witness, or Do I Need a Lawyer?

So I googled up "How to Start a Church."

Voila! A blog popped up on

The opening paragraph stated: "A church is a spiritual community that comes together in common fellowship. If you're dissatisfied with your local options and have a group of likeminded thinkers and believers, you may be interested in branching out on your own to worship in your own way"


So I read further.

Turns out there are three steps to forming one.

So I figured I'd run through the checklist to see if I can legally form this tribe....


Start a Home Spiritual Discussion Group. That's easy enough. I've been discussing music in a variety of settings, including record stores, SXSW panels, industry publications, countless bars, and this very blog, for over 40 years. Doing it at home, or in some other venue protected by the freedom of religious immunity, will be even easier.

Define the Scope of the Church. Sounds hard, but this was easy, too. I just had to answer a couple of questions to "define my aims":

Possible membership? Endless. Music has been here forever, and it has affected every culture in history. I already know hundreds of people that believe in it as much as I do.

Location? Wherever we can listen to it. My house. Your house. The Internet. These days music is pretty much everywhere. And so shall be my church.

Is your commitment part-time or full? Hmmm. I'm not suggesting that music is the only answer (or that I've got any answers at all), just a powerful force. However, it's not the only important force -- there's love, family, nature, and philosophy -- so I'll work part-time.

Your financial aims? Um, I don't have any financial aims. Has that disqualified me from being a religion? (The answer I gave to my question was "Is the Pope Catholic?," which gave me so much ironic amusement that I had to share it).

Draft Church Bylaws and a Statement of Belief. Wikihow says I should think of this as a "Declaration of Independence" for my church.

Well, I'm not a big fan of bylaws, but apparently any sort of government-condoned religion must be bureaucratic, so I'll make our declaration of independence something simple like:

We love music and we believe in it's power. The members of The Church of Music shall gather together to worship, listen to, discuss, and promote its effect on us and our culture.

Assign Corporate Officers. Again with the corporate bullshit. Since I have to file the docs, I'll guess I'll be president. Or maybe the reverend. The Reverend Record Store Geek. I like the sound of that.

Name Your Church. Done. Why The Church of Music? It has to be all-encompassing. We can have masses and sermons dedicated to certain genres, but there's no way that anyone who truly worships music can restrict themselves beyond that.

Okay, what's next?

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How about turning a bar somewhere into the Church of Cigarettes.


I could be there part time but certain times of the year it would conflict with the sunday morning worship of NFL. That church also has sacramental beer.

Speculation, of course, but I think (is believe proper in this context?), had he lived, Brian Jones would have been a better player than Keith or Ron, though he probably would not have stayed with the Stones. Never know, though I'd hate to see it become a ford vs. chevy, mac/pc kind of debate.  

Mandi Kimes
Mandi Kimes

So, when/where is the first church service?

valleynative topcommenter

The important point here is that the pinheads who are pushing this bill pretty clearly believe that there is only one religion that really matters.

Sure, there are some minor variations that are still basically the same, because they believe in Jesus, and then there are the Jews, who at least believe in the same god, but those others aren't really "religions", in their minds.  

They're really just "other cultures", which is just another way of saying that they're somehow more primitive than us, and just waiting to be converted to "real religion".

This law isn't really intended to protect them, of course.  They never even gave that much consideration and would be outraged if somebody tried to use this decent Christian law to promote some other value.

DonkeyHotay topcommenter


Everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.  -- 2 Chronicles 15:13

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