Oh, God, Miley Cyrus Is Coming to Phoenix

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PHOENIX, AZ: 2 AMC. Some of the elders still remember the Beforetimes. They claim not to, especially to the guards, but I see it in their faces when they're alone together. They remember life before Miley Cyrus came to Phoenix.

When they're alone -- after work and before the Two Minute Sext -- I watch them put their tongues back into their mouths and talk about their old jobs. The Bathroom Attendant says he was a doctor, once. The Sexy Pizza Guy was a teacher. The Foreman of the Ball Crew I'm with -- jeesh 4777, out in the Scottsdale quadrant -- says he used to do the same job, only inside the crane.

Now he rides the wrecking ball, and he keeps his hate bottled up. We all do. In his quarters, in a corner the cameras don't quite see, he's been fashioning a forbidden article out of cotton balls he sneaks from surplus Oxy bottles. They cover his legs and block the RFID tag on his inner thigh. "They're pantz," he told me, once. He was drunk, and talkative. "We wore them over our dongz. Before the Bangerz came."

I was only a child, then, but I've taken it upon myself to become the historian. When I can get through the porn filters at the library, and get to the part of the internet that isn't porn, I read more about pants, and doctors, and the way people behaved when they didn't have to take their molly ration if they didn't want to.

The Foreman knows, I think. I talk to him a lot now, because I know the Bangerz will take him soon. He's gotten careless; he's lost the will to lie. Perhaps he remembers too much. "I suppose someone has to know," he tells me. We're at Thicke's Place, at a table in the back.

"The Coliseum -- we used to call it US Airways Center -- it's where her forcez first landed. February 27, 2014 . . . Day 1, AMC. The press told us we were overreacting. They thought people were sublimating all their discontentz with contemporary pop culture into an exaggerated distaste for one huge pop star.

"Sure, it sounded magnanimous then. It soundz good to say that people should complain about the conditionz that lead to Miley Cyrus, and not just Miley herself. Fat lot of good it did them, though. First against the wall when she deposed the mayor."

He starts to speak again, but then his eyes go wide and he bites down hard on his tongue. Blood mixes with glitter as it streaks down his chin. The Bangerz are here, but we can't stop.

More information about the show on Page 2


Location Info

Map

US Airways Center

201 E. Jefferson St., Phoenix, AZ

Category: Music


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29 comments
maleysnemesis
maleysnemesis

Is this article written as some kind of neo-orwellian satire?  not bad...

David Heward
David Heward

Yawn. Who still cares about Miley Cyrus?

Kandie Coldsmith
Kandie Coldsmith

Musicians tour and sometimes they come to your city...it doesn't mean they are going to hold a gun to your head and make you buy tickets. Get over it already people if you don't like seeing her face or hearing her music....walk away. Easy peasy!!

Debra Baum
Debra Baum

Good to see the good people of Phoenix being mature as always. :) Does she have cooties, too? I heard she was caught kissing some loser by the swingset after school. But let's not stop there, let's suggest that she has HIV because you don't like her publicity stunts and her music. That's a reasonable leap. You've seen too much of her TONGUE so obviously she's a disease infested whore. I love watching adulthood at work and I can only hope your children learn how to be human better than you have.

Joe Kennedy
Joe Kennedy

This has been nothing short of marketing genius. And I don't even enjoy or listen to her music.

Angie Whitby
Angie Whitby

Maybe that's why all the "at home HIV test" ads have been going up around town...

Mark Anthony Given
Mark Anthony Given

I Loved her until she started that tongue business, now she's just gross...

Mariel Bernstorf
Mariel Bernstorf

She's been there before! I worked the Hannah Montana show at Jobing.com arena like 7 or 8 years ago.

IdontRecall
IdontRecall

Sad, due 2 lack of talent, the clothes have 2 come off. I wouldn't go 2 see her even if the txs were 4 free. I wonder if that wrecking ball is going 2 disintegrate with so much fluids!!!

Kelly J Kelly
Kelly J Kelly

that's pretty funny. BUT I have to say (and I'm old) that I think the kid is just getting her freak on. And everyone is entitled to that. All of the hoopla reminds me of how everyone's PARENTS hated the beatles and the rolling stones. And frankly her music isn't any worse than the Beatles for crying out loud. twelve year olds could have written those lyrics.

Joe Rollins
Joe Rollins

What does she plan on doing in Phoenix exactly? Are people paying to watch her grind her ass on some dude's junk for an hour?

Nick A Thomas
Nick A Thomas

I hope she is medical Cannabis I like to smoke with her! ;0)

CoryGarcia
CoryGarcia

Pretend I posted that Ron Paul/"It's Happening!" gif here.

66rock
66rock topcommenter

Ha, cool write up Dan!  Intriguing story telling but still not enough for me to spend money on a ticket for her. 

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