Katy Perry's "Roar": Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Serrano Time

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[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times (and Katy Perry's "Roar."]

History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks:

Read More: Why You Should Boycott Katy Perry's "ROAR"

Atmospherics: It sounds like Katy Perry heard "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and really, really liked it a lot and so she tried to make it herself.

It's not unlike the time one of my sons watched a video of a crocodile eating a deer and was like, "OH FUCK, DADDY! I WANNA BE A CROCODILE!" And so he ran upstairs and two minutes later screamed for me to come and when I got there he was standing all the way naked except for the plastic bag that he had hanging betwixt his butt cheeks. "I'M A CROCODILE," he shouted. "DO YOU SEE MY TAIL?" He wasn't a crocodile and that wasn't a tail. He was a jackass with a Kroger bag wedged into his tiny butt.

"Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor.

Analysis: The song is about standing up for yourself, which I guess is fine enough. But three pretty dark and nasty things get revealed about her in the video:

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1. Katy Perry is ungrateful

She and a handsome man are in the jungle following a plane crash. The handsome man is boldly leading Katy Perry through the jungle, attempting to find rescue. Katy Perry is for some reason not feeling him. So she begins to sing about never arguing or causing any sort of fuss in the relationship.

That's when a tiger springs out and eats the handsome man, Katy Perry is barely shaken at all. As she more or less sings: "HAHAHAHAHA. In your face, bitch. Oh, by the way, I'm standing up for myself now! Because you're dead. Because that tiger just ate you."

Lady bros, just a quick tip: If your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing something you don't like -- watching a dumb TV show or not putting his dirty dishes away or whatever -- you don't have to feed him to an animal. Just be like, "Yo, homie. Can you not do that please?" He'll be like, "Alright, cool." Boom. Relationship fixed, and nobody dies.

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2. Katy Perry isn't that great at hunting

Katy Perry makes friends with a monkey. The monkey's like, "Yo, why don't you use your heel to make a spear," which is pretty goddamn smart, really. She's like, "Good idea." She makes the spear and the monkey is like, "Fuckin' a, bro. We're eating good tonight." Then Katy Perry goes hunting....

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11 comments
scottsholem
scottsholem

These are the weirdest comments I have ever seen...it's not a real review. It's a satirical review...you might not like the writing style, but to complain that either it's just reviewing the video or ask "why is she not complaining about Maroon 5?" or stating that the reviewer is upset since Katy Perry is not singing Christian music....like what???  Are you all really that crazy?

Bill White
Bill White

Maroon 5's "One More Night" has the same beat as Rihanna's "Umbrella", but I haven't heard her bitching.

snowbird1
snowbird1

Another crappy, and non original, article by the New Times. Crap, this newspaper is getting worse each day.

Scott Hecker
Scott Hecker

Newsflash Phoenix New Times: Katy Perry isn't good. She has never made good music, and she never will. Reviewing her garbage does not make you edgy or different, so just stop.

Kitty Ardarah
Kitty Ardarah

So in other words, the author hates Katy Perry because she isn't belting bible hymns ..

chris.m.robert
chris.m.robert

I like Aziz Ansari too but I think you should develop a distinct voice, one you can call your own and be proud of.

Brett Solesky
Brett Solesky

If you're complaining about Katy Perry shoot yourself for listening to her music. Her music is not meant to be listened to and neither is she. BTW the same producer that did Brave did Roar so he borrowed his own beats. Although when a rapper does it, it's considered genius. The fact is the majority of music made after 1994 sucks.

Joe Rollins
Joe Rollins

Katy Perry sucks in general. A video isn't going to make her horrible music any better.

Barry Schwartz
Barry Schwartz

This seems to be more about the video than the song and Shea fails to make a joke about the aborted Crucial Taunt video in Wayne's World, which is unfortunate.

valleynative
valleynative topcommenter

I thought this would be about the song, not about the video.  Who cares about the music video?

Do you suppose the second guy to compose a waltz got slammed by the critics for ripping off the original, or did they say, "hey, this seems to be a popular format?"  Feel free to substitute any music style for "waltz".

If one music critic goes through the exercise of matching up beat rates and syncing two songs to try to convince people that they're indistinguishable (even though both manage to receive plenty of air time) and another music critic turns around and writes an article complaining that the second song is a rip-off of the first, have they ripped-off the first critic?

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