Katy Perry vs. Lady Gaga: All Pop Songs Will Disappoint You

Categories: Review Roundup

Katy Perry (Maria Vassett)
Maria Vassett (View the complete slideshow)
But you'll love them anyway.
Normally I don't go out of my way to listen to music the moment it's released, but I devour on-trend, manufactured pop like a snake devouring its prey. I digest over a period of days, listening to it over and over, and then something snaps inside me and the song is gone. At a rate of approximately one song every three days, I am often hungry for trashy pop.

Enter two of today's biggest pop stars, Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, and their simultaneous single releases of "Applause" and "Roar." I am beyond thrilled because two brand new songs might buy me more than a week of entertainment. The downside is that for the first day, at least, both songs will disappoint me.

It's inevitable: never like a song the first time I hear it, which makes me a terrible reviewer. It's nothing against music in particular; some of the things I enjoy most in life are things I once loathed, like oatmeal or cats.

Music takes me longer to come around on, however, because people often tell me how I'm supposed to feel about a song. No one gives a damn how I feel about oatmeal.

Music, particularly pop, is held to a high standard. Within hours of a song's release, each word is dissected like an earthworm in an eighth-grade science class. Does this song live up to the artist's previous offerings? Will it meet critical expectations? Will I be able to properly drop my booty to it on the dance floor?

Lady Gaga 2 (Maria Vassett)
Maria Vassett (View the complete slideshow.)
These are the questions that plague listeners' minds as they comb over page after page of reviews, which represent a colorful pastiche of opinions ranging from "Not as good as her last single" to "I liked her better when she performed in underground clubs/at my church." These are all legitimate points, but they have nothing to do with what actually makes pop "pop."

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Joe Rollins
Joe Rollins

Wait, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga make music? I thought they were famous for wearing colorful wigs and weird clothes to MTV events.

Chuck Klee
Chuck Klee

I like Joe Arpio's new single "Send em South"

Josh Skora
Josh Skora

They both suck. I don't even have to listen to them to tell you that...

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