The Weirdest Things We Heard at Gathering of the Juggalos
by Daniel Hill and Drew Ailes
Nate "Igor" Smith
During the Gathering of the Juggalos, Cave-In Rock, Illinois becomes a sonic disaster zone. Even if you're a rap lover, it's hard to keep your mind sharp with all the noise. But within the cacophony of sounds, a few incredible Juggalo statements were somehow deciphered and recorded by our numbed ears.
The things these people said may not make a ton of sense, but when you are surrounded by a constant thundering bass drum, the maniacal shouting of "whoop, whoop," and the occasional dynamite explosion in the distance . . .you probably wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, either.
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"Oh shit, Metallica!" [starts headbanging]
- One way to be sure that you're at the Gathering is that the Black Album by Metallica is always playing. And no one seems disappointed.
"It's synthetic acid. It's from Canada. I won't sell you more than two hits."
Nate "Igor" Smith A juggalo with a "drug bridge" T-Shirt at the Gathering.
- Three sketchy kids wearing gym shorts were sitting outside of a tent with a sign that read, "$10 TRIP YOUR FACE OFF" and said this to us. They claimed to be selling a hallucinogen called 2CB. After hearing reports the next day of multiple overdoses on a drug called 25i (also called N-Bomb, a derivative of 2CB), this encampment mysteriously disappeared. They also offered us a money-back guarantee.
"This port-a-john smells like shit!"
- Shouted by a kid with a wiry frame with homemade tattoos. He yelled at a dude asleep on the ground a few minutes later and was surprisingly effective at getting him up.
"Girl, I would break your neden."
- Said by a kid so young it is difficult to believe he is aware he has a penis. If you're anything like me, you had no idea what "neden" was, but picked up on it using context clues pretty quickly.
"Where did my dick go?"
- Only a small piece of garbled nonsense to come from a Juggalo swaying back and forth near a Port-a-John.
"You don't know what a cheeseburger is? Oh, my God, they're the best."
- Some girl said this to someone else in a tent we were passing by, I swear to God.
"Im illin' and chillin' with my guts all over the ceiling."
"We're scrubs so we always get the bone."
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"I don't know, I think Whitney Houston should have died."
- Source unknown
"I don't know if you know or care, but do not take the acid."
- Heard from a conversation being held in a golf-cart while passing
"Do not take anything called 'spice' -- that's bath salts."
- From an unnamed associate
"You can take mushrooms and eat acid just as long as you don't have any glass bottles."
- Security at the front gate
Quotations from the Gathering continue on the next page.