Which Arizona Diamondbacks Star Would Make the Best Metal Band?

Categories: Lists, Sports!

Clintus McGintus
One of the most important parts of being a baseball fan is the crushing certainty that you are The Underdogs and your rivals are getting special treatment from ESPN or Bud Selig or New York-biased media outlets. (If you're a Mets or Yankees fan, your rivals are getting special treatment from L.A.-biased media outlets.) Usually, it's not true. But I can't help feeling a twinge of jealousy when our sister blog at LA Weekly writes about a metal band based on Dodgers super-prospect Yasiel Puig and named PUIG DESTROYER.

The Arizona Diamondbacks don't have a Cuban super-prospect with a name that's really fun to say, but they do reside in a city that loves its metal. I can't actually "play the guitar" or "write music" or "pronounce Yasiel Puig's name correctly, no matter how hard I try," but I can do the next most-important thing: Figure out which D-back our municipal metal talent should be emulating.

The Obvious Option: Paul Goldschmidt
The good news is that Paul Goldschmidt is a two-ton mountain man who's hitting .313/.395/.557 with 21 home runs and a league-leading 77 RBI.

That's super metal! His surprising base-stealing ability kind of dampens the natural connection big home run hitters have with sludgy Black Sabbath guitars and tempos, but there's definitely enough slugger here to work with. And a few quick adjustments to his name -- "gold" is a great start -- would make him high-fantasy appropriate, if that's the kind of hard rock you're looking for.

The bad news is that Paul Goldschmidt loves country music. He had Florida Georgia Line sign a guitar for him earlier this year, and his walk-up song literally is called "Got My Country On."


The Guy Who Already Sounds Like a Famous Metal Guitarist Option: Didi Gregorius
I could be wrong, here, but I'm 90 percent sure "Didi Gregorius" was the name of a peripheral character in every single episode of VH1's Behind the Music.

He's the technically talented but insufficiently party-hearty Central European guy who joins a band after It All Comes Crashing Down and before The Band Gets Back Together and films an episode of VH1's Behind the Music.


The Really Angsty Betrayal-Metal Option: Justin Upton
Somewhere between everybody hating Black Veil Brides and everyone giggling at "crabcore" bands sits an important truth: At a high school level, at least, what used to be separate metal and emo fanbases have been bleeding together for a long time.

Justin Upton is the perfect Diamondbacks avatar for that angst. Like high school crabcore fans, there was a weird distrust between him and his peers that never quite went away; like high school crabcore fans, he labored under the constant awareness that he was disappointing his parents fans.

And like high school crabcore fans, once he left his hometown and set out on his own, he tried desperately to conceal his angsty, Attack Attack!-loving past from all the new people he met.


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Chase Field

401 E. Jefferson St., Phoenix, AZ

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