Listening to Four Hours of Dubstep While Reading 50 Shades of Grey Was a Terrible Idea

By Mary Carreon

Big news! There's an album called 50 Shades of Dubstep. It's got -- you guessed it -- 50 songs of goddamn dubstep. Amazon says it came out in August, but it just arrived in our mailbox this month. And so, we did what any logical person would do: We listened to all four hours of it.

Except, that wasn't X-treme enough for us. We got to thinking about the erotic novel that "inspired" the album, Fifty Shades of Grey, and wondered whether the two might be related somehow. You know, like what happens when you listen to Dark Side of the Moon and watch The Wizard of Oz at the same time. Surely the bass and somebody's panties will drop simultaneously, right?

So, we did it. We read the book while listening to the album's three discs. Fuck our life!

2:30 pm: The opening track on the CD is titled "Wake You Up." At the beginning of the book the main character, Ana Steele, has just woken up. So we're off with a bang, with surely many, many more bangs to come.

2:42 pm: All this bass is making our brain rattle around. This must be what a concussion feels like.

2:44 pm: "Drop Bass Not Bombs" adds a layer of suspense to Ana's drive to meet her destined lover. We're weirdly on the edge our seat -- but that may just be because we've vibrated there.

2:50 pm: Maybe it's the venti chai tea latte with two shots of espresso we just chugged, or maybe it's because the song playing is called "Hyphycide," but we feel like getting hyphy. That can't be what normally happens when people read this book.

2:51 pm: Ana and her lover Christian Grey meet finally! It's starting to feel like a real porno up in here, complete with raunchy music and cheesy storyline.

3:09 pm: Our roommate's Chihuahua enters the room and jumps in our lap. This experience is becoming awkwardly obscene.

3:15 pm: The dubstep version of the "Cha-Cha Slide" kicks off. Our roommate abruptly barges into the room and begin to clap, clap, clap, clap her hands.

3:16 pm: Holy shit, this dubstep "Cha-Cha Slide" will never end.

3:36 pm: The chemistry between Ana and Christian is definitely amplified by the grinding, car crash screeching and laser beam shooting sounds of "Mad Rush." How romantic.

3:38 pm: Ana leaves Christian's office after meeting him for the first time. He helps her put her coat on, at which point her heart drops into her stomach. The song "Mad Rush" ends with the sound of a heart monitor. Coincidence?

3:47 pm: Ana drives home after meeting Christian and listens to "thumping indie rock."

3:55 pm: Not even a full disk through, and we already need some Advil. And a glass of wine.

4:15 pm: Disc two, thank god. Ana's talking about "exploring dark places." The track is called "Evil." Coincidence?

4:20 pm: Nothing like celebrating 420 with shitty dubstep and soccer mom porn.

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