Maynard James Keenan: Being Wrong Sucks

Maynard_column .jpg
Editor's Note: With a tip of the cap to the man, we bid Maynard James Keenan adieu. This is MJK's final column for Up on the Sun, as he's devoting 2013 to more music and more wine. You won't have to wait too long to hear some of the fruits of his labor: On Tuesday, February 19, Puscifer will release Donkey Punch The Night, featuring two new songs, Queen and Accept Covers, and exclusive remixes. I spent some time on the horn with MJK about the record, so stand by for that feature.

Check out Maynard's New Times archive, and follow him on Twitter, @Puscifer. Adios, Maynard!

This is dangerous. I'm pre-writing this column so I can submit it pre-holiday for publication in January. This is assuming January will arrive. So far so good. There's nothing obviously hurtling towards us from space, such as a comet, meteor, or very large impenetrable minimalist sculpture.

See also:

-Maynard James Keenan's New Times Archive
-Maynard James Keenan (Puscifer, Tool, A Perfect Circle) on The Importance of Keeping It Local
-Can Maynard James Keenan Put Arizona Wine on the Map?

Not that we're aware of, anyway. No unusual spike in geological activity. No increased sun spot shenanigans. Snooky's spawn has no anti-Christ markings or disturbingly evil powers. Yet. Maybe we'll be OK. Maybe you'll actually read this and we'll all giggle with some modicum of humility over our collective paranoia. On some unconscious level I'll be more than a little disappointed if nothing semi-tragic happens. All that buildup and no money shot. Bummer.

936full-beneath-the-planet-of-the-apes-poster.jpg
20th Century Fox
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
Think of all that wasted end-of-the-world disaster footage: Tommy Lee Jones ass whooping some Beverly Hills lava (Volcano); John Cusack fleeing from the whatnots in a bunker submarine ship thing (2012); Charlton Heston battling plastic surgery disasters (Beneath the Planet of the Apes); Liv Tyler actually dating Ben Affleck. As if. (Armageddon). Bill Murray apologizing for breaking the seventh seal of the apocalypse by agreeing to do Garfield and then DYING (Zombieland); Jake Gyllenhaal surviving Brokeback Mountain (Day After Tomorrow). The list goes on.

I had a thought. What if our understanding of the airwaves borders on knuckle-dragger? I mean, what if our flippant transmission of invisible signals isn't bound by our understanding of time? What if satellite transmissions go up into space and slip through black holes and fissures of the space-time continuum? We've only been broadcasting these various forms of sounds and images for less than a century. We've had no real time under our belt to measure the damage or far-reaching effect of these actions. What if these images reach back in time?



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79 comments
marianne4550
marianne4550

black holes and fissures? space time continuum? that settles it! give the man a long deserved intellectual status! merely mentioning those terms warrants it!

robertarias28
robertarias28

Interesting...as the fact that our concept of existence is defined by our senses, our perception of them, and our interconnectivity of them...blind can see with tongues, teeth, it will be fascinating to "see" and see  continued evolvement. Great thoughts brother. 

masenx
masenx

MIND=BLOWN! Loved the column, see you out on tour!

szs88
szs88

Thank you Maynard for being almost like a personal mentor. You've helped fuel my creative fire.

TheKMGirl
TheKMGirl

I have Mercury fillings... and have recently wondered if that is what causes the interference when I am around radios and other devices. It is a very interesting concept what MJK has pointed out. It is too bad this is the first time I am reading this column. -KMG

WineStar
WineStar

Hi to all you Americano's! I really do think that the ramblings of Mr Keenan are quite amusing. Given his love of fine wine and obsessive collection of the worlds finest wines including our Australian Iconic Grange Shiraz has got me thinking a bit about his perceived image to you bunch of adoring fans. He is no more or less human than all of us and he has shown this with the creation of his own wine brands which I must say fail in my book to be anything at all special. I take my hat off to the bloke though for trying and hope his efforts pay off. After going to one of his shows in Melbourne, Australia many years ago, I was quite amazed looking at the quality of fans he has..and to say it nicely..most were tripping way off on another planet! Maybe this is the way the world is heading with all the colourful chemical shit we are all digesting, but to make matters worse for the crowd at that particular show, our Mr Harry Merkin was hidden the whole show behind the drums set...! madness came into my head, but then I met the guy after show and he was genuinely quite a nice chap..especially when I opened a fine bottle of vine juice for him. I then realised he was in his own world when he made an arrangement with me to drive him to a wine lunch and fine wine tasting at my cellars and failed to show at the hotel when we arrived. I realised than that we are all dealing with people that perceive us basic creatures as mere dolts and imbeciles..shame really. I look forward to his upcoming visit to Australia and will try to read and send you all a local report about the music & wine antics of the man.

vigvamvoo
vigvamvoo

Well, lets face it man, no body likes to be wrong!


www.otAnon.tk

chonus
chonus

TYPO

"The concentration of Doomsday films in the latter half of the 20th century would surely scare the shit (OUT) of these poor saps."

 Lovely writing, much obliged.

Sydneysider
Sydneysider

I like you, Maynard. You make me think a little harder than what my standard issue brain is capable of. It hurts sometimes to think so hard, as though neurons are being created. Although I'm not equipped with an IQ that certain readers below have, or an excellent and obscure vocabulary, I know a fuckwit when I see one. You, Maynard, are not one.

Sydneysider
Sydneysider

@bloodeagle here's what I reckon you need to do: exist only by consuming your own excrements (which don't smell, at all), Google search 'Google search' and click on 'Google Search'. What is the point? Exactly.

Amber Lunsford Botamer
Amber Lunsford Botamer

And so do u. he's an incredibly talented individual & clearly u don't know much about talent! ....that's all!

Kelly Stark
Kelly Stark

Your column will be sorely missed, sir.

haileezcustomz
haileezcustomz

Sad to see you go. But i know your making more music. As long as your creating something. The art is what matters. Whether it be music wine or writing. You just have the talent. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Id read it. Just saying...

charlie_knoxaz
charlie_knoxaz

Well, let's see... I saw Tool twice this year. Puscifer twice this year. And just got back from A Perfect Circle in Las Vegas. I purchased merchandise at every show. And did VIP upgrades when I could. Made purchases through the Puscifer and APC websites, as well. In fact one of the transactions got a bit bungled and I received the adjustment in cash with a handwritten apology... 

Bottom line: I am a fan. Not just of Maynard, but of the music offered through all three bands. I don't drink, otherwise I would very likely be a fan of the offerings through Arizona Stronghold Vineyards (and still may be through the various other product offered - jams, jellies, pasta, et. al.). I am a fan of the process that is at the very core of ALL of the endeavors mentioned above: Identify that which may create Bliss. Address that which may create Bliss. Engage in that which may create Bliss. Rinse... Repeat.

For the Tucson Tool show last year, I scored second row seats, dead in the middle. Had just seen them in Vegas 2 nights before. Went down with a buddy, straight outta work. We're both pushing middle age and I'm dressed in a mock turtleneck, slacks and a sweater vest. My buddy pretty much the same. We had to stand out a bit in a sea of black t-shirts and 501's... The band opens with Hooker With a Penis. And I am just cracking up, thinking that it's the perfect song to rip our heads off, initially. At the very end of the song, while Maynard is repeating the last line of the song, I watched him look down and shoot the most fantastic grin I had ever seen from a performer - almost like a Billy Zoom shot - while singing "Fuck You, Buddy" right at us. This, from the same guy who mentioned at the end of a brutal Lateralus tour that the speaker on the panels alongside the band (Timothy Leary) was espousing the belief that we should create... and create more... And that if the band, which had spent 16 months on the road and become better than they ever thought they could be, and had learned SO much from that experience, could help teach US that WE could become more than we may ever DREAM to be, than that was more than one could hope to participate in...

Art makes me a better human. It helps to mold me. It helps to mold MY art. And whether it is a song that has been drawn from the Fibonacci Sequence, a t-shirt with the work of Alex Grey upon it, a concert where the opening of the show describes that "life is too short NOT to create something with every breath we draw," or multiple memories of shows that have helped enrich my life, I AM a consumer. And my consumption of the above has been joyously appreciated.

Pax.


MotherRosetta
MotherRosetta

I think we should all be equipped with the mailbox from the Lake House. Just my opinion.

I shall miss your blog, Mr. Keenan, plus the comments from Blood Eagle and gypsy. But life goes on and so shall your music and wine.

By the way, exactly how many bank accounts and property deeds did you manage to collect from your readers?

Looking forward to another year of Caduceus news and photos of Miho.

JacobgGnarley
JacobgGnarley

Ancient dentistry... shit was like pulling teeth back then. I bet anyone a thousand yeas ago with fillings that pick up today's transmissions would have had a hard time sleeping once the station went off the air and their head filled with that piercing test pattern tone.

dr.wood
dr.wood

Anybody remember a band called Tool?  They were the ones who built a substantial following in the latter half of the 1990s and early 00's under the pretense of denouncing consumerism, propagating the whole 'the sum of the band is greater than the individual parts', 'it's not about what we look like, it's about the song, the canvas'.  All of that good stuff?  I remember them.

Check out 'Toolband.com'.  It is a tool box of products that Tool would like you to buy.  A quick scroll through the last month's postings reveal that these artists like and want you to buy all kinds of things from books to a poster of MJK in a bathtub filled with fu*&&^ng grapes.

I'm not sure where Tool fastens the chain between art and shameless product endorsement, but using your heft as an artist to promote a product is pretty low. 

Oh, and wasn't it MJK himself who refuses to answer 'Tool' questions while doing promo for APC and visa-versa?  Because I swear I just saw an ad for an APC concert on the Tool site. 

I understand the concept of personal growth. I understand the concept of professional growth. But when said growth tangles itself around everything you've claimed to stand for up until this point, why should anybody give you any more water?

nina.smale
nina.smale

Oh the same of it all...there, there, Maynard. Your column lives on by interpretation. Now what do I have to look for? I KNOW! Donkey punch the night will cure my woes!

matthewehall
matthewehall

Nooooo don't stop writing here. These have been some of my favorite reads even though it has nothing to do with anything really concrete all these articles you've written make my day. I will sit in my office chair (the floor under a machine I'm currently fixing)  and be pissed off and think of some quote from these articles and just bust out laughing. I will then try to explain it to co-workers who pretty much just stare at me like I'm a lunatic...then I explain it's from Maynard...and they 9/10 go WTF is a maynard and then I have to explain it's the lead singers name from my favorite bandS and how the name means mayo and mustard combined and then I'm usually up for an psyche evaluation the next week. In short don't you stop writing boy...and I want a puscifer ring. AND HAH spell check wanted to change puscifer to vosiferous which is actually quite fitting. (this post was brought to you by to much coffee)

decoy152
decoy152

Wtf Jamez K! You think we simple folk dont see them thar fragmented sentences and such. Git yer dang gram-mer rite, afore ya go a postin! And where's the props to Sherwood Shwartz fer that episode where the proffeser put that radio recievin fillin in Gilligans molar?  Now stop "effing" around. If'n yer gonna do somethin, do it write.

462shadow
462shadow

......they also opened my eyes to a lot of things at an early age, and the timing was perfect. i'm a better person because of it :)

462shadow
462shadow

@charlie_knoxaz  well said! i was fixing to sit down and write a response the these jerkoffs bitching about commercialism, blah blah blah. but you saved me the trouble. I've grown up w/tool, and even though maynard's an ass sometimes (who's not?), the band  has never been, nor will they ever be, sellouts. and if by some chance i'm wrong, so what? it wouldn't erase all the memories i have that are associated w/their music or how i feel when i listen to their songs.

twingoddessem
twingoddessem

@charlie_knoxaz good post :) I was at that Tucson show inthe front row Center and may have been in front of you and I remember seeing Maynard look directly in that direction with an awesome look in his eyes. I was probably The Annoying chic jumping up and down in front of you to that song and everything after that. :)@charlie_knoxaz @charlie_knoxaz

xivsolutions
xivsolutions

@dr.wood Seriously? Yeah, I suppose artists should never promote the sales of their stuff to fans who want to buy . . . I am pretty certain that when Mr. Keenan wrote this, he was thinking of folks like YOU:

All you know about me is what I've sold you,
Dumb fuck.
I sold out long before you ever heard my name.

I sold my soul to make a record,
Dip shit,
And then you bought one.

BloodEagle
BloodEagle

@dr.wood i think it went something along the lines of:

'anti-consumerism: now that's a good market.'

charlie_knoxaz
charlie_knoxaz

@twingoddessem That made me actually laugh out loud. I DO remember you. Not Annoying, though. I just remember thinking "now THERE'S a TRUE fan"! 

Much better than the guy in Vegas who was singing along - out of key - trying to mimic Maynard's movements and gesticulations... While Maynard reminds me at times of watching a more animated version of David Byrne crossed with Ian Dury, this guy was more like a combination of Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein crossed with George Jones after his third bottle of Jack... 

dr.wood
dr.wood

@xivsolutions @dr.wood 

Yeah....I was pretty clear that Tool isn't promoting THEIR stuff - they're promoting (shamelessly) other products that they like.  I understand that tool is a product, but their integrity has taken a HUGE hit in recent years.  That's undeniable.  Congrats on being able to quote a Tool song. Now quote any of the 100's of interviews in which Maynard denounces product endorsement, using art to propagate consumerism and/or his unwillingness to associate his other acts with Tool.  Dumbfuck.

dr.wood
dr.wood

@BloodEagle @dr.wood 

I agree. Should've gone more like 'Don't lie to your customers. They will find out eventually and will not continue to give you business'.

decoy152
decoy152

@gypsy86331 @decoy152  Dang it all! I done fergot the rhyme what goes "I before E except after ...uhm ..uh ...dang it! My brain ain't what it used to be since I started smugglin mouth fulls 'O lead buck-shot into the wild game preserve. 

twingoddessem
twingoddessem

@charlie_knoxaz @twingoddessem Glad to know I wasn't too much of a disturbance! lol And yes...I personally consider myself a true fan...rockin out in my 30's to a little band called Tool.  Glad to hear from another true fan! :)

BloodEagle
BloodEagle

send me it and i'll donate a pound to a children's charity of your choice.

MotherRosetta
MotherRosetta

@BloodEagle @MotherRosetta Let me think... I do have a picture of myself streaking in a London pub (for a children's charity, of course). Shall I send that one..... nah! I don't wish to become the object of your late night solo fumbling.

MotherRosetta
MotherRosetta

@BloodEagle @MotherRosetta @dr.wood Please don't get me started. Actually, for the cost of living in West Virginia, we're closer to the 1%. And I tire of providing Coach handbags and tattoos for the non-working class. When you work your butt off to get where you are in life you tend to resent the parasites. Like I said, let's not go there.

MotherRosetta
MotherRosetta

@dr.wood @BloodEagle Screw the tree huggers and bring back the capitalists. I'm not a lover of red and I'm hoping Mr. Keenan isn't as well, unless it pertains to wine. Also, every male is 2% female so he may be nurturing that small part of himself and has changed his mind.

dr.wood
dr.wood

@BloodEagle @dr.wood 

Well I've never met him so I won't label him, but there does seem to be a fast-flowing stream of contradiction in recent years. Too bad, honesty is very important in the world of art. 

BloodEagle
BloodEagle

@dr.wood @BloodEagle you should really only be annoyed at your own credulity. if you haven't noticed, maynard is a complete dickhead.

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