OMG! It's the Katy Perry Movie Drinking Game!
I missed Sound Wave, so my Saturday was not spent doing ecstasy in a drained swimming pool. Sad face. I also missed Justin Bieber's concert, which totally blows because he threw up, guys! He threw up on stage in front of hundreds of people and now millions of people will watch the video on YouTube and I missed it. Saddest face.
So instead, I watched Katy Perry's tour documentary Part of Me. The suggestion came from fellow New Times blogger and photographer Melissa Fossum, after she read my column on Katy Perry's terrible sex advice.
Like I told Fossum, I couldn't do this sober in the least, so I loaded up on lots of vodka, rum and cheap beer, turning this spectacle into a drinking ... activity. I hesitate to use the word "game," because this soon became a form of ethanol-based torture. And the Katy Perry Part of Me Drinking Thing™ was born!
See also: Katy Perry Gives the Worst Sex Advice Ever
See also: Five Totally Rad Things About Katy Perry
See also: Katy Perry's 10 Best Looks and Lyrics
HOW TO PLAY
Drink every time:
- The "American Dream" or "Believe in Yourself" is mentioned.
- Katy talks about her boobs or her ass.
- Katy prays or mentions Jesus.
- The camera zooms in on Katy's cleavage for no reason.
- The camera flashes back to some stupid home movie.
- Katy slaps a new piece of candy on her tits.
Bonus: Whenever Katy cries, you must chug, chug, chug!
Since misery loves company, I invited a few friends over and we tested this game for you. I can't vouch for accuracy. I mean, I was drunk. Warning: This is not for the faint of liver.
Drinks 1 - 4: The movie opens with 12-year old kids (and a few sad, lonely adults) speaking into webcams about how Katy Perry inspires them. Gag. It isn't even two minutes before there's a gratuitous ass shot. Backstage, teams of makeup artists work overtime on Katy's face to make her look like she isn't wearing makeup.
Katy was setting up the stage for her California Dreams Tour, which instantly reminded me of that other Girl Power tour documentary I once saw. What was it called? Oh yeah, Michael Jackson's This Is It!
Drinks 5 - 7: Katy will not shut up about how this is a dream come true for her. Her tits have peppermints plastered on them that spin.
Interviews of kids on the street, who were incoherent. "It was like I was shot with an arrow of Katy Perry-ness." What.
Katy Perry does a few meet-and-greets backstage and freaks out after touching a pregnant woman. There's a two-second shot of a purple furry thing. What the fuck was that?
Drinks 8 - 11: Russell Brand does a fabulous job of keeping his head turned away from the camera in every single fucking scene he's in. He doesn't make any jokes or do anything but kiss Katy and then take her to his hotel room. Wanker.
Katy is on stage again and she's obviously lip-syncing parts of the show, at least when she isn't changing clothes. I once saw Weird Al and he changed costumes a lot, but that makes sense because he's making fun of dozens of musicians. When Katy changes outfits over and over, it just makes her seem like a girl with a closet packed with more clothes than a third world country and still whines about having nothing to wear.
Katy's dancers have all the cold and calculated choreography of a "Dance Dance Revolution" avatar. Katy's stylist has her lyrics tattooed to his arm. This makes me want to sob.
That furry purple thing came back for a split second. Seriously, what the fuck is that?
Drinks 12 - 21: Katy visits her grandma, who says funny things like "Katy is a show-off" and "woe is me!" I like Katy's grandma. Then we see Katy's dad screaming into a microphone at a group of people seated in rows. I think they call this "preaching," but it's not like any church I've ever been to.
Interviews with Katy's siblings reveal a lot about her background. She was raised in a strict (a better word would be "totalitarian") Pentecostal household, her father being a pastor. As David Hudson pointed out, a lot was restricted in the home, including watching The Smurfs, Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz. Lucky Charms cereal were also forbidden because "luck is of the Devil."