Maynard James Keenan: Rochambeau Myself


fahrenheit_9_11_2004.jpg
"Painfully Comedic"
So I looked at the local movie listings. Very promising. Four of them involved Sweaty Gladiator types with guns and explosions and lots of running towards or away from situations/things/persons that were either supposedly spooky and/or somewhat dangerous. And although I didn't bother with the trailers, I was certain they would include some yawningly awesome one-liners. This may call for a civil round of Rochambeau.

Wait! What's this? An Obama film! Say it isn't so! Could it possibly be as Painfully Comedic as Fahrenheit 9-11, Fox News, or Al Gore's film? I can't remember the name of that one but I believe it was something like WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, unless you scrap your perfectly good vehicle & ONLY drive your sister's emasculating hybrid. I may be a little off on that one, but I'm on a roll and too lazy to Google it.

That said, I did watch his film, and because I am the paranoid type, I now have more hoarded SPF 200, ham radio batteries, and MREs (formerly referred to as C-Rations. Don't make the mistake of picking up a gross of those. Not so tasty anymore. Saltpeter has no shelf life) than I'll ever know what to do with. I'd love nothing more than to introduce Mr. Gore to Rochambeau the hard way. Note to Secret Service: I'm kidding, so you can remove your twitchy hands from your pistols, please. And don't worry. I have no intention of turning this column into a bi-partisan mixed vomit bag of political agendas. But I will say this. Politicians are the new Andy Kaufmann. If only he were around to enjoy it all.

Now I must be off to my two-hour vacation. It's a toss-up between The Bourne Legacy and Expendables 2. Tough call as both are running pell-mell towards Feel Good Comedy of the Year. Suppose I'll need to Rochambeau myself to decide.

Chicken Little out.


Follow Maynard James Keenan on Twitter: @caduceuscellars, @mjkeenan, @puscifer. Read his column every other week on Up on the Sun.

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76 comments
jessejane462
jessejane462

Please let us when you have mastered kicking yourself in the testicles or have beaten yourself at a game of paper, rock scissors,...only are accoplished by pure imagination.

articles
articles

I do hate to break it to you Mr. Keenan, but the theory of global warming has a clear scientific basis (for those unfortunates, like Keenan, not knowledgeable enough to know this, educate yourself here:(http://www.ucsusa.org/global_warming/);  Given its proven truth, you appear clueless when you compare Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth,' a movie warning us about the dangers of global warming, to Fox News, an outfit not concerned with truth (see Rupert Murdoch admitting to partisan coverage of the Iraq war (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K2pLo8JV5Y), or read this more comprehensive report on Fox's bias (http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=1067).  Yes, you must feel yourself a sage, well above us fools who get caught in the partisan fray over whether proven scientific theories are true (I eagerly await you questioning the theories of evolution and gravity at some point in your series); but please, do yourself a favor and realize your sense of sagacity is entirely misplaced - anyone who triangulates on global warming has a hell of a long way to go.  

booboo
booboo

DO YOU WANT LUNCH?

booboo
booboo

mother of god...

godiva1102
godiva1102

I anxiously wait to read Maynards column it always makes my day.

Alielsih
Alielsih

You're a rooster not a chicken. Other than that discrepancy, we are enjoying the articles.. Keep up the good works..

angi.elston
angi.elston

I wish I could get the last 3 minutes of my life back.

gage86
gage86

finally something worth reading in the news not edited the corporate news lol

Das_Karsch
Das_Karsch

@induztre greatest line of the whole article: Politicians are the new Andy Kaufmann.

maleya81
maleya81

The Jerk. A CLASSIC! I remember my parents watching it in the early 80s and them not caring I was in the room. Now it's one of my favorites :)

JaredLaDuke
JaredLaDuke

@CFH_TAW that's fucking excellent material! Wouldn't expect any less from MJK! Almost brought a tear 2 my eye it was so hysterical!

AnaExcess
AnaExcess

@Sonnenvakuums Ay no no no, qué hace escribiendo… un disco, eso es lo que tiene que hacer. =(

jmatter
jmatter

The last movie I saw in the theatre was The Fourth Kind. Yeah, that's how bad movies suck right now. Well that and I had a baby. I really wish you could ship wine to PA. I know it's probably the stupid state stores that are prohibiting you from doing that. I hope that changes in the near future. I'm anxious to taste your product.

Leentoon
Leentoon

@puscifer I work at a movie theater, the flood of crazy republicans flooding in to see "that Obama movie," just won't end. Hilarious column!

carinaround
carinaround

@puscifer "Fuck me, Santa" still haunts me at the most inappropriate times.

Magical_Fetus
Magical_Fetus

@puscifer made the mistake of seeing "house at the end of the street". I wound up screaming "turn around bitch!" in my head the entire film.

dingylamb
dingylamb

For a good time may I recommend a jumbo jar of pickeled pigs feet to share with your honey while snuggling up to a few episodes of  Call of the Wildman. Live action packed back woods Kentucky turtleman, Ernie will keep you excited and entrtained with his possum catchin adventures. Theres no good movies unless u go to the theater next to the titee bar.

Maria Cook
Maria Cook

My children played rochambeau when they were younger...southpark...lol

Maria Cook
Maria Cook

What an amazing human being. So glad he is writing and I have the privilege of reading such poignantly powerful yet hilarious thoughts from such an enigmatic man.

robertwesleyhar
robertwesleyhar

@puscifer @phoenixnewtimes @carinaround @telefontelaviv @JeffFriedl @mat_mitchell @billyhowerdel @mattmcjunkinsAnd Which movie did u choose

HydeAllNight
HydeAllNight

@puscifer It's a crime to suggest a member of government be introduced to a game that ends in a tiny bit of bodily harm? A bit reactionary.

fallingsky
fallingsky

I desperately await Maynard's posts- loving twitchy fingers, google laziness and Twilight theories...however, lost somewhere between the suggested Obama film and Bourne Identity.  It jumps from Obama movie, to Gore reference...to the end decision.  What did I lose in the sarcasm and cynicsm? Help. P.S. Mr. Keenan- English-teacher-seeking-side-job-as-rant-editor here.

Hans_Moleman
Hans_Moleman

Dude, you totally should've have gone with "Trouble with the Curve."  It's a real heart-warming tale and that Justin Timberlake is such a hunk.

vhmAlex
vhmAlex

@puscifer Awesome. Do that more often, and I'll forgive you for the lack of new Tool.

zenlensjunk
zenlensjunk

It's like BMB except you make sense. @puscifer @phoenixnewtimes @carinaround @telefontelaviv @JeffFriedl @mat_mitchell @billyhowerdel

poodledude
poodledude

 @toddthechaney1 2 or more peeps take turns kicking each other in the balls.  The one who falls or runs off looses.

Sonnenvakuums
Sonnenvakuums

@AnaExcess Pienso exactamente lo mismo, pero como dirían todos los FansFromHell de cualquier famoso "dejalo, el puede hacer lo que quiera".

fallingsky
fallingsky

The question being---what Obama movie- or what joke flew over my head?

KylePurcell2
KylePurcell2

@vhmAlex @puscifer no excuse for the lack of new tool

obingas
obingas

@zenlensjunk good one. How u doin?

Davvda95
Davvda95

@zenlensjunk @puscifer Hah! Truer words have never been spoken.

emsazo
emsazo

@zenlensjunk that's exactly what I was thinking!

AnaExcess
AnaExcess

@Sonnenvakuums Sí puede… claro, es Maynard, siempre hace lo que quiere pero… pero… pero… Ay. =(

zenlensjunk
zenlensjunk

Hey @obingas "at last we meet again for the first time, for the last time" =) How's life in the @puscifer Asylum? #lonestar

Sonnenvakuums
Sonnenvakuums

@AnaExcess Hahahaha entiendo a la perfección tu sentir, yo siento lo mismo... Zapatero a sus zapatos, pues.

zenlensjunk
zenlensjunk

@obingas word. let the tweeting begin.

obingas
obingas

@zenlensjunk slow I think. Haven't been on much lately...busy summer. Good to see you on twitter!

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