Maynard James Keenan: Rochambeau Myself

By Maynard James Keenan Mon., Sep. 24 2012 at 4:00 AM

I love a good comedy. Browsing through mental notes of quotable material, apropos for tedious moments brought on by the petty, the narrow minded, and the desperate, keeps me questionably sane.

See also: Maynard James Keenan: These Are The "End of Days"
See also: Maynard James Keenan: Up on the Sun's New Columnist
See also: Maynard James Keenan (Puscifer, Tool, A Perfect Circle) on The Importance of Keeping It Local

Snippets from films like Talladega Nights, Super Troopers, and The Jerk can have an almost Fountain Of Youth effect on me when applied to said moments. Other films supply the occasionally necessary yet unintentional gut laugh, such as Battlefield Earth, Godfather III, and the entire Twilight series. (Side Note and Fun Fact on the Twilight Series: The scripts WERE NOT randomly generated by an iPhone app or by a team of Emo Eunuchs on LSD. They were, in fact, intentionally written that way. This was not an experiment as I had originally assumed upon viewing.)

Twilight: Not, in fact, "randomly generated by an iPhone app or by a team of Emo Eunuchs on LSD."

The reason I bring all this up is that I've been buried under grapes for seven solid weeks now. It's been a month and a hefty half of fantastically productive 14-hour days with some very promising juice for the 2012.

I miss my trips down to the 602 to dine and complain poetically with Mr. Wexler at NoCa or to dine and plot some twisted yet simple dinners with Mark Tarbell. I needed a break and I needed to get out of the house/bunker, but there's no way I can be two hours away from the winery this time of the year.

So I checked in with my local theaters to see if there were any just-above-marginal films to which I could set my brain on cruise control. Doesn't have to be a zinger. Just has to have fresh-popped corn and sugar stuff. I am fully capable of manufacturing and rationalizing any excuse to watch a crap film as long as I can go face-deep in a popcorn container large enough to require a child safety warning. Double-fisted side of red licorice, please. (Children, be warned. If you kick my chair, interrupt my two-hour vacation, or attempt to stick your grubby booger paws anywhere near my popcorn or licorice, you will become the poster child for that bucket's safety warning. Please refer to the Robert Downey Jr./Juliette Lewis scene in Due Date. Copy?)

Tags:

comedy, Maynard James Keenan, movies, Twilight

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jessejane462

Please let us when you have mastered kicking yourself in the testicles or have beaten yourself at a game of paper, rock scissors,...only are accoplished by pure imagination.

articles

I do hate to break it to you Mr. Keenan, but the theory of global warming has a clear scientific basis (for those unfortunates, like Keenan, not knowledgeable enough to know this, educate yourself here:(http://www.ucsusa.org/global_warming/); Given its proven truth, you appear clueless when you compare Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth,' a movie warning us about the dangers of global warming, to Fox News, an outfit not concerned with truth (see Rupert Murdoch admitting to partisan coverage of the Iraq war (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K2pLo8JV5Y), or read this more comprehensive report on Fox's bias (http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=1067). Yes, you must feel yourself a sage, well above us fools who get caught in the partisan fray over whether proven scientific theories are true (I eagerly await you questioning the theories of evolution and gravity at some point in your series); but please, do yourself a favor and realize your sense of sagacity is entirely misplaced - anyone who triangulates on global warming has a hell of a long way to go.

booboo

DO YOU WANT LUNCH?

booboo

mother of god...

godiva1102

I anxiously wait to read Maynards column it always makes my day.

Alielsih

You're a rooster not a chicken. Other than that discrepancy, we are enjoying the articles.. Keep up the good works..

angi.elston

I wish I could get the last 3 minutes of my life back.

gage86

finally something worth reading in the news not edited the corporate news lol

Notyur Gramma

gramma loves grrrrrappa¡!

Das_Karsch

@induztre greatest line of the whole article: Politicians are the new Andy Kaufmann.

maleya81

The Jerk. A CLASSIC! I remember my parents watching it in the early 80s and them not caring I was in the room. Now it's one of my favorites :)

sean.diester

1 Like

@maleya81 This guy hates oil cans!!

maleya81

@sean.diester I so read that in his voice!

lovekamp93

Rock paper scissors

JaredLaDuke

@CFH_TAW that's fucking excellent material! Wouldn't expect any less from MJK! Almost brought a tear 2 my eye it was so hysterical!

toddthechaney1

What is Rochambeau?

poodledude

@toddthechaney1 2 or more peeps take turns kicking each other in the balls. The one who falls or runs off looses.

AnaExcess

@Sonnenvakuums Ay no no no, qué hace escribiendo… un disco, eso es lo que tiene que hacer. =(

Sonnenvakuums

@AnaExcess Pienso exactamente lo mismo, pero como dirían todos los FansFromHell de cualquier famoso "dejalo, el puede hacer lo que quiera".

AnaExcess

@Sonnenvakuums Sí puede… claro, es Maynard, siempre hace lo que quiere pero… pero… pero… Ay. =(

Sonnenvakuums

@AnaExcess Hahahaha entiendo a la perfección tu sentir, yo siento lo mismo... Zapatero a sus zapatos, pues.

jmatter

The last movie I saw in the theatre was The Fourth Kind. Yeah, that's how bad movies suck right now. Well that and I had a baby. I really wish you could ship wine to PA. I know it's probably the stupid state stores that are prohibiting you from doing that. I hope that changes in the near future. I'm anxious to taste your product.

Leentoon

@puscifer I work at a movie theater, the flood of crazy republicans flooding in to see "that Obama movie," just won't end. Hilarious column!

carinaround

@puscifer "Fuck me, Santa" still haunts me at the most inappropriate times.

ReRRemReRRemReR

@puscifer yup.

Magical_Fetus

@puscifer made the mistake of seeing "house at the end of the street". I wound up screaming "turn around bitch!" in my head the entire film.

Robin Griffin

love to read your column

dingylamb

1 Like

For a good time may I recommend a jumbo jar of pickeled pigs feet to share with your honey while snuggling up to a few episodes of Call of the Wildman. Live action packed back woods Kentucky turtleman, Ernie will keep you excited and entrtained with his possum catchin adventures. Theres no good movies unless u go to the theater next to the titee bar.

Maria Cook

My children played rochambeau when they were younger...southpark...lol

Maria Cook

What an amazing human being. So glad he is writing and I have the privilege of reading such poignantly powerful yet hilarious thoughts from such an enigmatic man.

robertwesleyhar

@puscifer @phoenixnewtimes @carinaround @telefontelaviv @JeffFriedl @mat_mitchell @billyhowerdel @mattmcjunkinsAnd Which movie did u choose

3giftstore

1 Like

your wit is appreciated!

restaurantnoca

1 Like

@caduceuscellars well played sir

HydeAllNight

@puscifer It's a crime to suggest a member of government be introduced to a game that ends in a tiny bit of bodily harm? A bit reactionary.

James Morals

Funny column

krkindred33

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

fallingsky

I desperately await Maynard's posts- loving twitchy fingers, google laziness and Twilight theories...however, lost somewhere between the suggested Obama film and Bourne Identity. It jumps from Obama movie, to Gore reference...to the end decision. What did I lose in the sarcasm and cynicsm? Help. P.S. Mr. Keenan- English-teacher-seeking-side-job-as-rant-editor here.

fallingsky

The question being---what Obama movie- or what joke flew over my head?