Maynard James Keenan: These Are The "End of Days"


My copy of the Mayan Calendar appears to have expired, so it is currently of no use to me. I got on the Bunker bat phone to Tim White at Arizona Stronghold and Todd Bostock at Dos Cabezas Wineworks to see if they were witnessing a similar trend. Turns out they are. Todd is 84 tons in. Tim is 200 tons in. Confirmed. All ahead of schedule. All of that painstaking groundwork resulted in a significant drop in my overall energy level and pleasant demeanor. I did the only logical thing a high performance mental athlete such as myself would do. I reached in the freezer for a Buster Bar. None. Surely this is yet another sign.

There's an old saying I like to mumble under my breathe during psyche evaluations. "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being followed." Conclusion: Based on my clearly tireless and thorough research stretched over tens of minutes, I have come to the following daunting conclusion and well thought out suggestion. These are in fact the "End Of Days" and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible! Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier's check for the full amount. These funds will assist in further delivering this message to the rest of the world. There isn't enough time to sell all of your possessions. So along with that cashiers check, I'm gonna need to you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can't be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.

Chicken Little out.


Follow Maynard James Keenan on Twitter: @caduceuscellars, @mjkeenan, @puscifer. Read his column every second and fourth Monday of the month on Up on the Sun.

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222 comments
teata78west
teata78west

Fuck yeah Maynard!! love your brain and the way it thinks, I am a first year dr in training!!

and you have got me through many sleepless nights, so glad you are still sharing, I hope one day to meet you, youre a fascinating tool!! xx

ghalbert6
ghalbert6

All the signs point to the END; be ye prepared and follow our savior Jesus through his reign of fury on the sons of the Earth...Follow him through the valley of Jehoshaphat  toward Zion; cross the river my son.

gin60626
gin60626

really like this from old scholl mate ginger darke

doramillerbauman
doramillerbauman

I really like your style! It remainds me David Sedaris. Keep on writing and doing what makes you feel well!

DealWithIt
DealWithIt

I wish your wife would tell you to put down the wine and get into the studio you prick

cjcarr67
cjcarr67

Well said Maynard....your wife was correct :)

jamie.youlden
jamie.youlden

Well either my brain too is wired a little off from mainstream humanity or he really just made a quippy bunch of nonsensical sense that not everyone sees yet!

jamiedavern
jamiedavern

That is a well thought out suggestion indeed....LMAO!  (Hilarios!)

mfmeitbual
mfmeitbual

This reminds me a bit of HS Thompson's writing - completely nonsensical to nearly everyone except the writer.  This format might be more effective in a "JUMBLE" format, where the letters and the words themselves are arranged in random order and it is up to the reader to make sense of it, guided only by a picture with an almost-clever caption hinting at the end result.

Lara RayAnn Bonwell-Fisher
Lara RayAnn Bonwell-Fisher

The more I hear, see, and read....the more and more I love his genius witty character that continues to make me smile and laugh at every turn!

pittsman71
pittsman71

So do you want me to make the check out to Maynard James Keenan or just simply cash?

nina.smale
nina.smale

This was a treat to come home and read! :)

x9ainsoph
x9ainsoph

To answer the first commenters question, If you noticed directly under the end of the article you just read, it states that his column every second and fourt Monday of the month. Had to put that out there if its not already.

theos.5pt0
theos.5pt0

I am new to the Phoenix New Times and came across from Tool  website, is this a one time deal for Maynard or a weekly, monthly column? The man is involved  with three bands, a winery so why not a column.

 

Would appreciate some feedback from a non- Self Proclaimed "Clairvoyant"

 

aka soulcraft67!  Come on man!!

soulcraft67
soulcraft67

He is laughing at all of you who hang on his every word. he is no different than you. if you used the brain that god, allah, budda, e.t., and the powers that be gave you, you would come to the same sarcastic,albeit true conclusion, whats the point. He is no messiah. he is a man that uses his brain, and uses it well. Now where is my new TOOL cd, goddammit? You were awesome in Nashville, by the way. Never witnessed puscifer live before that, and it was the best non-concert i have ever been to. See u in arizona bay. Soulcraft out

maxell
maxell

None of us should give Maynard one minute of crap about the next Tool record.  There's a slogan from some cheezy wine company that applies here;  something about there being a time for it.  Part of the reason it takes so long for Tool to make a record is the amazing density of quality ideas in their songs.  Most bands could and would make an entire album, or a career, from the stuff that occurs or is suggested within the running time of something like Lateralus or Rosetta Stoned.  It takes a long time to come up with anything of that quality and density.   I am happy to wait it out, however long it takes.  Hell, I'm still unraveling Stinkfist.  Spiral out.

nickkroon70
nickkroon70

Heh, I watched a thing on Youtube by this Maya elder in which they asked him about the ending of the Calendar. His answer was that in the Maya culture things move in cycles and that at the end of this one, they simply start another.. I laughed so hard!  I now have a T-shirt that says: " apocalypse 2012 survivor!" 

alma_chubick
alma_chubick

haha tooo funny luv it !!! i will be readin no doubt about that !!!

fredhawley
fredhawley

Tongue-in-cheek hippy "end of days" philosophy--or--wacked out fundamentalist Christian "rapture" delusion ... it's all the same thing.  Not funny.  And not worth taking up space in the media.  The thing is, if we all give in to the idea that there is nothing we can do to solve our problems, that gives people the excuse to do nothing.  And doing nothing is not acceptable.

samplethedog
samplethedog

wtf are all you people talking about... buncha weirdos

TROLOLOLOLOLOL

Brandon Wilson
Brandon Wilson

by that i mean: maynard made an appearance at the whole foods in chandler. it was a meet and greet. rule number one: anyone with any sort of tool merch wasnt aloud to meet him because it was strictly for his wine

mrcobbyb123
mrcobbyb123

humm....yes.....Tucson loves ya......great show this past January....NOW PLEASE MAKE ME A NEW TOOL ALBUM :)

Tony Parsons
Tony Parsons

Mr Cinnamon left a bad taste in my mouth with that ignorance! He is MJK he can say what ever he wants and cares less what you or anyone else thinks about it!

Dale Donoghue
Dale Donoghue

Maybe David C just doesn't get the subtleties in the dry musings of character humor.

xraiderray
xraiderray

 @jamie.youlden hmmm.... Well he does remind me of morrissey in the way he uses the english language. So real. I'm going to re-read this some time later.

jamescurcio
jamescurcio

 @mfmeitbual HST wasn't particularly nonsensical. Neither is this. Tongue-in-cheek, maybe. 

robertpoolejr
robertpoolejr

@soulcraft67 you sound like you hang on his every word. Maybe he's laughing at you. I mean, you obviously have his every word figured out because you can speak his thoughts for him. "Soulcraft out" lmao

jasonxoc
jasonxoc

 @soulcraft67 You talk as if people are printing this blog post out and adding a maynard book to the bible. I can't type for everyone but who are you to tell me how entertained I should be by anything? I enjoyed reading this guys words, I enjoy listening to him sing that doesn't mean I have a shrine. 

 

And thank you, detective, for deducing that famous people are people too. That epiphany will undoubtedly be life-changing for many. 

nickkroon70
nickkroon70

 @maxell It is just the way they do things, and we should be grateful for it!  Just look at shit bands like bon jovi, ( hideous example I know, please bare with me) after making the umpteenth record that sounds just like the previous one, the comment was that the album practically wrote itself.. well after making the exact same music for 15 years it should become fucking muscle memory, now shouldn't it!!!??? and just like you said, just keep listening to the older stuff, it still has plenty to say!

stars4face
stars4face

 @nickkroon70 

 Even though the leap year thing is a bit of a hole in the plot the likely hood of a self fulfilling prophecy for December is still pretty powerful. How many 12 monkey scenarios are there out there where one guy says "lets do it now", then the others say " no man, lets wait for the timing to be right"?

gnosis4774
gnosis4774

LADYS please.its not the world that needs to change its U ME WE wake up and see the saw b the aLL leaving u N AWE

 

NOTaHippie
NOTaHippie

 @fredhawley

 Interesting that's what you got from MJK's few nonsensical paragraphs. I would hazard to guess the bi-monthly entries will enhance revenue for this publication and it gives someone of great popularity an opportunity to speak uncensored. Your choice of course is to not read it :) Isn't it wonderful we have free speech?

samplethedog
samplethedog

 @mrcobbyb123 Your sandy vagina is making you speak in tongues often mis construed as communication. Please clean your vagina of all sand before your face spews diarea again. Thank you. -The Kizerbot Corperation-

nickkroon70
nickkroon70

 @stars4face Well I do have to agree that there might be some idiot that will jump on that bandwagon and try to make it true.  The thing is that I have a friend who has done a butt load of research that totally debunks the whole theory.  Just doctoring around with some numbers and omitting a couple of zeros makes for a lot of good booksales.

fredhawley
fredhawley

Yes, well, I'm not a fan of nonsense.  And it's especially difficult to ingest when it's poorly written nonsense.

fredhawley
fredhawley

@shotwiz @jasonxoc - It is heartwarming that jasonxoc reads posts days later and wonders if they sound OK. You won't find that kind of self-reflection in the Arizona Republic, that's for sure. Jason? Are you there?

fredhawley
fredhawley

@jasonxoc you seem very sweet; wanna have coffee?

jasonxoc
jasonxoc

 @fredhawley  @Stinkfist  @jasonxoc hah fred; At least your a good sport and for what it's worth, I respect you and your opinions. 

 

I re-read some of my replies days later that I think are witty and cheeky at the time of writing and they read as mean and dickheadish so forgive me if that came out. 

 

Off topic of this conv: 

This is my feeling about Tool... Tool is the rush of generation x-y. Obviously there can be no comparison in terms of style and musicianship but on some level what rush did to aspiring musicians, tool did to our generations upcoming musicians. 

 

I'm probably alone here but thats cool  :) 

fredhawley
fredhawley

 @Stinkfist  @jasonxoc You are right.  I have never heard of Tool.  And I probably wouldn't like their music.  I'm an old fart from the Sixties; ask me about the Rolling Stones.  I don't know how I got into this conversation, and I don't know why I keep answering answers.  One meaningless activity is as good as the next, I guess.  I need to get back to weaving this basket for my brain. 

Stinkfist
Stinkfist

 @fredhawley  @jasonxoc

"Leave writing to others who are more skilled with words."  Bwahahahahha!!!!! Guess you never listened to a Tool song.  MJK can hang with the best of them. 

fredhawley
fredhawley

 @jasonxoc Um, it looks like I jumped into this discussion without knowing what I was talking about.  I didn't know the guy was a musician.  The article says he's a winemaker.  Whatever.  He needs to stick to wine and song and leave  writing to others who are more skilled with words.

jasonxoc
jasonxoc

 @fredhawley oddly, i was thinking the exact same thing reading you. We have that in common :)

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