Maynard James Keenan: These Are The "End of Days"
My copy of the Mayan Calendar appears to have expired, so it is currently of no use to me. I got on the Bunker bat phone to Tim White at Arizona Stronghold and Todd Bostock at Dos Cabezas Wineworks to see if they were witnessing a similar trend. Turns out they are. Todd is 84 tons in. Tim is 200 tons in. Confirmed. All ahead of schedule. All of that painstaking groundwork resulted in a significant drop in my overall energy level and pleasant demeanor. I did the only logical thing a high performance mental athlete such as myself would do. I reached in the freezer for a Buster Bar. None. Surely this is yet another sign.
There's an old saying I like to mumble under my breathe during psyche evaluations. "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being followed." Conclusion: Based on my clearly tireless and thorough research stretched over tens of minutes, I have come to the following daunting conclusion and well thought out suggestion. These are in fact the "End Of Days" and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible! Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier's check for the full amount. These funds will assist in further delivering this message to the rest of the world. There isn't enough time to sell all of your possessions. So along with that cashiers check, I'm gonna need to you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can't be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.
Chicken Little out.
Follow Maynard James Keenan on Twitter: @caduceuscellars, @mjkeenan, @puscifer. Read his column every second and fourth Monday of the month on Up on the Sun.