Here's The Heavy Metal Soundtrack to Your Sexcapades You've Been Looking For
We might not all agree on musical taste. I mean that metal, indie rock, jazz, hip-hop -- none of it is made for everyone, but I think we can all agree that there's really nothing so appealing as all-out sex appeal. Sex might not be the first thing you think of when you think of heavy rock, but it's in the genre's DNA.
Metal sex isn't quite the same as your average "rom-com" version of doing the deed. Heavy metal represents passion, organized chaos, honesty, and promiscuity -- not logic and reason and the five-date rule.
I'm a strong believer in using music to manipulate a situation. Think about it: DJs change the entire atmosphere of a crowd merely by playing a certain song at the perfect time. More often than not, rock stars are not attractive; usually chicks flock to the music for that sexually charged energy, not the particular person. The key to accomplishing this feat -- in a heavy metal, at least -- is to get in tune with those heavier tracks that make chicks (or dudes) who usually prefer tamer music in the bedroom into metal believers. That way, you get to listen to the music you love during sex, while the other person, clearly in the wrong place at the wrong time, is exposed to something new and exciting.
Or maybe you're just making a bet with a friend that spinning the girly sounds of Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson will result in her matching the decibels of "Run to the Hills."
After all, that's how I got the idea for this Metal Monday column. Yesterday, at a beer-soaked day at the pool, my girlfriend Angela and I got into a debate (she's from New Jersey, so it's a huge shocker she likes to argue). Angela has been a gorgeous, cynical, sarcastic friend of mine for several years, but we've always butted heads about music. It's gotten to the point where I just play metal around her to piss her off, and she glares at me and yells out in her Jersey Shore-esque manner, "No one wants to hear that shit, Lauren! [mimicking guttural growls] Who listens to that shit? I mean really! Um, ever!"
So, Angela and I made a bet that I would be able to create a heavy metal playlist that she would like to have sex to -- the result of a conversation that probably isn't very appropriate to be forever saved into the eternity of the Internet. She's a good sport, though, and she promised to give it a try.
Not what we're looking to do it to.
This is no easy task. Convincing most girls that heavy metal is fun in the bedroom is like trying to convince boy bands like One Direction that they won't have a career in five years. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine's list of "12 Hottest Songs to Have Sex To," girls most often opt for such freaky time songs as "Sex on Fire" (Kings of Leon), "Cockiness" (Rihanna), "Sexual Healing" (Marvin Gaye), "It Will Rain" (Bruno Mars), and "Criminal" (Fiona Apple).