Is Santa a Pervert? Four Songs That Say "Yes"
Sometimes I'm astounded by the music parents let their children listen to. I know personally. At 9 years old, I knew all of the lyrics to Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love," much to my father's pride and horror.
But I tend to think Christmas music is the worst of it all. The holiday has so many songs that suggest Santa Claus, that paragon of goodness and jolly, has more than presents on his mind. The worst part is that these songs are shrouded in metaphor. Even taken at face value, these Santa songs are pretty creepy.
"Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"
You better hope Santa has a pristine record because he "Sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake." He's like a godlike character, which would be totally cool if Santa's story was supernatural, but he's just some old dude that shimmies down chimneys. If you're cool with letting that dude break into the house where your children are sleeping and eat your food, then you and I are on a different page.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
By now, you've probably gathered that I'm suggesting Santa Claus is a total creep. This song proves it. I know, it's supposed to be the kid's daddy who's dressed up as Santa, but what if it wasn't? What if Santa is a professional adulterer, going house to house, mackin' on all the mommies like this scene in the It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas movie? (NSFW)
"Back Door Santa"
Finally, Clarence Carter just came out and said it. There are two Santas. There's 'Ole Saint Nick, the jolly, cookie-eating fat dude with presents, and the filthy dude who comes through your parents back door each year named Santa Claus. This song speaks about the latter.
"I ain't like old Saint Nick/He only comes but once a year."
"My Mom and Santa Claus"
Another song suggesting Santa Claus likes MILFs. Don't let this dude around your mom or wife. I'm pretty sure this whole present-giving thing is just a front for bangin' moms.