Angry Commenter Who Has Never Read Pitchfork Condemns Music Writer for "Sounding Just Like Pitchfork"

Categories: Funny
band-of-horses_pitchfork.JPG
Band of Horses: A band some believe Pitchfork.com "is shoving down everyone's fucking throat."

​A scathing comment was left today on a local writer's blog post promoting an upcoming Band of Horses concert at an area venue.

In the comment, an irate reader states that post is "exactly the sort of douchebag shit Pitchfork always says."

"Think for yourself, you fucking lemming," wrote the reader, who has never visited Pitchfork.com, a popular music news and criticism site. "You only like the same hipster-approved shit every other lameass music critic likes. Maybe you need to check out some cool new shit, like my friend's kick-ass punk band. He cuts himself up on stage and shit. It's ROCK NNNN ROLLLLL! But, oh, wait... you're a fucking latte-sipping pussy critic who can't appreciate anything real. You just read Pitchfork and repeat everything they say."

"Pitchfork, Pitchfork, Pitchfork," the post continued.

The reader, who attends a local community college and is planning to start up a zine to "give the other side of local music since the media here is a bunch of fucking Pitchfork-obsessed hipster jerkoffs" has never actually read a single post on Pitchfork.com. If he had, he may have noticed that the site actually panned the new Band of Horses record, giving it a very poor rating of 5.3.

Pitchfork writer Paul Thompson -- who the commenter has obviously never heard of -- essentially argued that the record lacked heart.

"Their slowpoke anthems and sunburnt rave-ups feel so worn-in, they're growing shapeless. A few well-placed lyrical potboilers could've really spruced up the drabber numbers, but the words here mostly range from the mundane... to cringe-inducing nonsense."

The local music critic, on the other hand, called the Band of Horses album "heartfelt," "deeply moving" and "surely one of the best albums of the year," arguing that the local show was "definitely a must-see."

Thompson, coincidentally, is the same Pitchfork critic who recently lauded hardcore punk outfit OFF!, which features former members of Black Flag, Circle Jerks, and Rocket from the Crypt, giving the band's First Four EPs album an 8.5.

The OFF! record delivers 16 heavy songs in 17 minutes -- some might argue that such statistics point to it being far from the sort of "bearded dude singing sad songs type bullshit Pitchfork-loving fucks like you love so much," as the commenter characterized the bands who are often the topics of the local writer's posts.  

"In an indie rock landscape that typically values complex arrangements, subtlety, and good taste, OFF! are not just refreshing, but totally necessary," Thompson wrote on Pitchfork, the site anyone who enjoys indie music is accused of grunting along with like a bunch of trained seals. "This music is built for a climate of frustration and powerlessness, and its bare-knuckled punch-in-the-face is a long-needed wake-up call to nostalgic escapism. Get mad instead."

The local writer could not be reached for comment as he was busy combing his beard, drinking a tallboy of PBR, jerking off to pictures of Thom Yorke and everything else angry commenters suppose he does when he's not reading Pitchfork.

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7 comments
Michael
Michael

This is so incredibly petty. In other words, a perfect Cizmar piece!

Skrapps
Skrapps

I think the angry commenter is fun to read.

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Dr Clothberg
Dr Clothberg

Martin's weirdest pieces are about human confusion and misunderstandings. Stick to music, instead.

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