I damn well hope Rebecca Black never becomes a member of an academic honors society.
There comes a time where parents should consider shitting all over their child's dreams by telling them there are better things to do with their time than try out for shows like American Idol.
Perhaps, your son or daughter yearns to become a professional whiner/lyricist. There is always the slimmest chance they'll make it, but most people are kidding themselves. And then they turn out like America's newest sweetheart, the young and oh-so-unlovable Rebecca Black.
Black, 13, has managed to embarrass herself in front of the entire country at an impressively early age, partially thanks to comedian Daniel Tosh, who posted the song on his Tosh.0 blog. Grab some cotton balls from underneath your bathroom sink because, between her horrible vocals and the laughable music video for her song "Friday," your ears might bleed.
Am I being too harsh to a young girl? Yeah, probably. But every kid should realize when they should stop doing what they like and choose a more realistic career path. Apparently that thought never occurred to Rebecca Black, or at least not before she became the laughing stock of the country. Naturally, this shit has brought about meme after meme after meme, and they're all pretty great. Facebook users have taken part in the bashing as well by creating an event called Friday for over 500,000 over Rebecca Black haters. So if you're unfamiliar with the mess that is Rebecca Black's song and music video, "Friday," let me break it down.
Hardly Any of the First Verse Rhymes
Lack of rhyming aside though, why didn't I write a song seven years ago about my daily routine for getting ready to go to school? She sings, "Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal." Rebecca Black doesn't look like much of a wake-n-baker to me...just saying.
Which Seat Can You Take? Just Sit the Fuck Down and Go To School
Black sings about making up her mind in regards to which seat she should sit in when her friend's car pulls up before the bus comes. Did it not occur to the people that produced this damn video that if she's 13 years old, both she and her friends aren't old enough to drive yet? And what kid around the age of 13 owns a convertible? What parent in their right mind even lets a 13-year-old kid drive a convertible to school? Rebecca's hanging out with the wrong crowd! Besides, the kid in the driver's seat looks kind of like Justin Bieber, which means he can't possibly be older than 12.
I 'Gotta Get Down on Friday'? I'll Make That Decision For Myself, Thank You Very Much
First of all, it's nice to see that she was finally able to make a decision about which seat to sit in. Secondly, the way she whines the word "Friday" over and over again is just unbearable, not to mention it sort of sounds like she's saying "fried egg." Then she insists that everyone's gotta get down because, well, it's Friday. What other excuse do we need? Actually, I think I'll decide for myself whether or not I'm going to "get down on Friday," and without the instruction of a young teenager, no less. Furthermore, Rebecca nonchalantly mentions partying on the weekend. Are your young little hands old enough to hold a bottle of Budweiser? I think not.
I 'Know What It Is'? We Clearly Have a Misunderstanding
There are a lot of lyrics about fun in this song, and they generally consist of nothing more than a line like, "Fun, fun, fun, fun." She also sings, "You know what it is." Really? How can she be so confident that I "know that it is?" I certainly don't know what it is. She goes on by singing, "I got this, you got this." What the hell are you talking about, girl? Rebecca then gives a shoutout to her friend sitting to her right, but not her friend on her left. That's just rude.
She's Still Wondering Which Seat She Can Take
After that, she once again brings up her indecision about what seat she should take. Ugh, shut up about the seat choices! You're already in a damn seat, Rebecca! Leave it alone! Let's jump to what's going on in the music video during the second chorus. Look, there's a whole block of 13-year-olds who are posing like they all drive and own those cars! That neighborhood is just full of irresponsible parents.
It's Finally Friday So STFU
Furthermore, the party's about to start, which implies that it's Friday now, considering not that many kids have gotten in the habit of partying on Thursday by that age. I guess the music video director missed all of the opportunities to shoot underage kids drinking at a lame party because none were included in the video....bummer.
What's the Sequence of the Days of the Week? I Forgot
"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. Today it is Friday, Friday. ...Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards." Those are my favorite lyrics in the entire song. Gawker user Matt Cherette, whose post about this song was the first I ever read, justifiably claimed, "My pug could write better lyrics. And my pug is dumb." I don't care that the lyrics to this song weren't written by Rebecca herself; Cherette is still right.
'We So Excited'? Clean Up Your Grammar, Bitch
'We so excited'? Really? She's somehow reached a new low with that phrase. I think that line speaks for itself.
That Rapper Just Lost All His Street Cred
What rapper in their right mind would lend a verse to this chick? Out of all people, if a rapper can't even make anything rhyme then the outlook for the creativity level in America is looking a little bleak.
I can't recall anyone becoming a sensation so quickly yet for all the wrong reasons like Rebecca Black has. Good luck with your career, Rebecca. I wish for you only good things, like a better singing voice, the ability to recognize when you should turn down a project and ask for a lyrical rewrite, and better decision making skills in regards to choosing seats.