Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block Form One Gigantic Supergroup of Suck and Schedule US Airways Center Gig in June

Categories: Announcements
NKOTBSB.jpg
PHOENIX - (June 30, 2011) After nearly two decades of hosting concerts and sporting events, the US Airways Center was completely and utterly destroyed this evening by what is being described as a "gigantic black hole of suck."

According to witness reports, at approximately 7:30 p.m. this evening, the 19-year-old arena adjacent to Chase Field was drawn into darkened singularity that developed during the opening number of a concert by aging boy bands New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys. A sold-out crowd of more than 19,000 people were in attendance and have now been reported missing.

One witness, a local transient who goes by the street name "Thunderwolf," was shocked by what happened.

"Heavens to Betsy! The place got sucked into the ground faster than a deuce going down a drain," he said. "Hey, you got an extra cigarette I could have?"
NKOTBSB on the AMA's by Chichoune

Sean Badger, a DJ and co-owner of the nearby Bar Smith, was in the middle of a performance at the club when US Airways Center reportedly disappeared.

"I'm not certain, but I coulda sworn I heard a mashup of 'Everybody,' 'Larger Than Life,' and 'The Right Stuff' right before the destruction began," Badger says.

In an instant, the facility where the Phoenix Suns triumphed over the Washington Wizards to win this year's NBA Finals only weeks ago had disappeared, leaving behind a small smoldering pile of charred New Kids tee shirts and Ed Hardy hats.

The combination of New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys (a.k.a. NKOTBSB) has existed since this past August when members from both blockbuster boy bands (minus Kevin Richardson) made a surprise appearance on the 2010 American Music Awards singing a medley of hits by NKOTB and BSB.

It was the supergroup that no one was waiting for (well, at least no one worth mentioning, at least), causing one pop-culture critic to quip, "Instead of showing they still had it, the performance only proved that whatever 'it' is should have never been found."

Regardless, NKOTBSB's performances up until tonight's disaster have been sold out across the country, as throngs of middle-aged women and housewives (all of whom we're in their tweens and early 20s when both bands were in their respective primes) gleefully bought up tickets to their Tiger Beat heartthrobs live and in person one more time.

While officials from a cadre of local, state, and federal agencies (ranging from the Phoenix Police Department and the Department of Public Safety to the Federal Bureau of Investigation) have declined to speculate as to the exact cause of the disaster, it's widely rumored that teams from both CERN and Pitchfork have been dispatched to Phoenix to investigate.

Award-winning theoretical nuclear physicist Amit Goswami Hameroff, who was interviewed by FOX-10 News about the disaster, stated the damage from the alleged singularity only caused the destruction of just the US Airways Center and not the entire Phoenix area.

"The confluence of crappiness that occurs when the combination of Joey McIntyre, A. J. McLean, Howie Dorough, Donnie Wahlberg, et. al performs on one stage simultaneously could potentially cause a chain reaction that would likely unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe," he explained. "Granted, that's a worst-case scenario. The destruction was apparently very localized, limited to merely a one-block radius."

 


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7 comments
linaimai
linaimai

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Erika Fletcher
Erika Fletcher

Blog post or not, I feel this is way too unprofessional for the website of a newspaper.

linaimai
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Axl
Axl

ummm, if I wanted to read fiction, I wouldgo read it, not log onto a news paper website.

you guys used to be so good at breaking more controversial stories about arpaio and other corrupt jerks in power. I used to try and use your stories as facts when arguing about arpaio and people wouldn't believe them because I was quoting the new times, which they didn't think had any credibility. itself to defend you, now you are making my defense, and yourselves, look like fools.

Jenny
Jenny

Axl, you do realize this is the music blog section of the New Times, right? News section is that way

ktsummer
ktsummer

Dear Benjamin,"all of whom we're in their tweens and early 20s"we're = we arewere = past tense of are

Sincerely,Katie

p.s. Because you're too dumb to know that is why I'm not bothered by this sorry excuse for an article.

Dragon Filly
Dragon Filly

So it's gonna be sooner than December 21, 2012? Thx!

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