The Soundtrack to Your Holiday Strip Scan
The new full-body image scanners at airports this holiday season have already stressed and nervous travelers in a tizzy. Sure, nobody wants a bomb on their plane, but it hardly seems like a fair trade-off to have all your private bidniss displayed onscreen for the Travel and Security Administration employees to scrutinize.
However, a man at the Salt Lake City airport had a different idea. To protest the airport's nude-o-scopes or the public molestation (let's just call it a "freedom fondle") that results from declining the scan, the man donned nothing but a Speedo, boots, and hat as he walked around the terminal.
Our suggestion? Own it. You can't get around it, so get into it. Here are a few songs that should get you in the mood for being seen (digitally) naked or having someone cup your junk. Have fun, stay safe, and be dead sexy this holiday season, travelers.
Pussycat Dolls, Buttons
Throw this on, pretend you're at the club, and that that gnarly TSA agent is really the hot guy you've been eyeing all night (hit the airport bar first if you need a little help with that part), and show them that you're not fronting when it comes to your commitment to keeping our skies safe and sexy. You're the lead Pussycat.
Tom Jones, You Can Leave Your Hat On
The Full Monty (Tom Jones) - You Can Leave Your Hat On
At security, you already have to take your shoes off, so why not up the ante by taking off your dress, too? Channel your inner sexpot and do your best impression of Xtina in Burlesque. And, security permitting, you can leave your hat on while you go the full monty.
Actually, sir, would you mind removing your ballcap?
MC Hammer, U Can't Touch This
U Can't Touch This
When offered the choice of body scan or the trip to second base, just let the agent know that your body is a temple and that they simply can't touch this/these/that/those. That'll get you a second date, and your mom would be proud of you standing up to the pressure to get too physical too quickly. Why buy the cow when you can get the pat-down for free, after all?
The Beatles, You Really Got A Hold On Me
You Really Got A Hold On Me
This one's for those who decide to let TSA get a little handsy, rather than immortalize themselves sans clothes on a Rapiscan machine. The ACLU has reported that travelers should expect, among other things, "Agents rubbing and squeezing your arms, back, stomach, buttocks, and breasts with open hands through your clothing. Screeners often run their fingers along the underwire of women's bras." Sing it, fellas, they've really got a, well, hold on travelers.
Flight of the Conchords, Sugalumps
Flight of the Conchords - Sugalumps
Ask a lady what she looks for in a guy, and chances are she'll say "confidence" in there somewhere. So now say there's a pretty young thing working the security area. She looks at scans all day, but swear you can see her eyebrows raise oh-so-slightly when you pass through. Confidence, men. Tell her those aren't weapons of mass destruction, but rather, weapons of ass destruction.
We know it's incredibly uncomfortable to expose yourself (pun absolutely intended) like this, but here's a video by Brooklyn band Matt & Kim where they one-upped even airport security by dropping trou in the middle of New York's Times Square. In winter. With everyone watching. So go get 'em, travelers. We hope your out-of-town turkey's worth it!