Could Jan Brewer's Henchmen Close Tucson's Rialto Theatre?

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Jan-Brewer_leather.jpg
Jan Brewer might shut down Tucson's famed Rialto Theatre.

Sounds weird, right? You thought she was so busy flubbing debates, hating on Mexicans and trying to keep her mentally-ill son's rape conviction on the d-low that she'd have bigger fish to fry.

Nope. Turns out Ms. Brewer (alma mater: Glendale Community College)  is also finding time to target the theater, which caters almost exclusively to cool people who hate her guts.

Actually, that's way over-simplified: The people Jan appointed to the board overseeing the property seem to be trying to force the theater, which is run by a non-profit group, to close. Either that or they're just into brinkmanship, negotiation-wise. Right now it's a stalemate, with the two sides taking until October 7 to debate, deliberate and negotiate. Is that discussion happening in good faith? Why would you have any doubt?

The situation is pretty complex, actually, and not only did Tucson Weekly already do a great job of analyzing it, but you're from Phoenix so you don't care that much, really. So here are the basics broken down in ten easy-to-understand bullet points:

1. The state government wants to spend some cash to revitalize downtown Tucson but does not trust the comparatively liberal Tucson city government to do it by themselves so they started a group, called Rio Nuevo, to oversee those revitalization efforts. Shockingly, the city and this group feud constantly over super important stuff like parking spots.

2. The state legislature and the governor  get to appoint people to positions on the board. The chief qualifications right now are that you own several firearms, oppose ManBearPigs and drive an American-made SUV.

3. Arizona's governor used to be this nice lady with a haircut just like Ellen DeGeneres who understood complicated stuff like urban planning and [non-movie] theaters so she appointed awesome people to boards like this. But then the president said he needed her help in Washington, so she left. Oddly, even though there were other cool people allied with the nice lady who could take over, the rules said this crazy old leather-faced lady named Jan got to take over. She immediately started redecorating the governor's mansion (that's a metaphor, Arizona doesn't actually have a governor's mansion) and then got to appoint her crazy Republicany friends to the board.

4. The group that's picked by the state government technically owns Rialto Theatre. They lease it to this non-profit group of hippies and stoners and indie rock nerds to run it, though. That non-profit group of hippies and stoners and nerds has a 50-year lease -- and it's not one of those $1 a year things, it's, like, a real lease -- but they're allowed to subtract the money they spend improving the theater from the amount they pay Jan Brewer.

5. The group wanted the theater to actually be awesome and not suck so they spent a bunch of money on a giant stereo. Like, a $300,000 stereo to end all stereos which they had installed in the place. It's super sweet, dude. The people that were running the board back when the nice lady was governor said that was totally cool if they subtracted the stereo money from what they're paying in rent.

6. The new people took over and were like "whaaaa?" This situation sounds fishy to the Republican people cuz it reminds them of the time their oldest kid started smoking the ganja and spent all his college book money at Fry's Electronics. But, no, seriously, dude, it's totally legit!

7. The board of Jan Brewer's people, in pure pimp fashion, says they want their motherfucking money, in the form of back rent from that whole "stereo scam" thing, and if they don't get it they'll close that shithole down. And, seriously, they don't GAF! No matter how good this theater has been for Tucson! Fuck it! They'll lease that joint out to Dan Harkins himself, who will hopefully put in a special theater that screens nothing but John Wayne movies in a loop!

8. The hippie/stoner/nerd group says they'll declare bankruptcy which would buy them some time but likely leave them defeated and everyone in Tucson driving to Phoenix to see shows of the 1,000-person variety because they wouldn't have a good place to put them. Of course all of this squabbling will make several area lawyers very happy because we, the taxpayers, will be paying them good money to fight about stuff like whether a concert venue needs a high-quality sound-system. Maybe they'll even litigate the parking spot thing again!

9. When Rialto closes Phoenix totally wins because we'll get better shows! Tucson is pwned! Bwahahahahahahaha! Thanks Brew-ski!

10. As you can see, Jan Brewer has the best interests of Phoenix music fans at heart. Vote accordingly in November.

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30 comments
Julie Peterson
Julie Peterson

When the truth is described as insulting, I'm inspired to keep fighting. Thanks a lot, Better than you. Be sure to let us know the next time you think you've found incorrect information (I'm sure some has slipped out since the early '90s), and from which media outlet.

Better than you
Better than you

Dear Martin, Your use of your introduction to viciously insult another person (political views aside) makes you come across like a cunt. Your rants do nothing but further discredit the New Times as a source of information (which it has failed at since the early 90's). Please grow up or surrender your position to a writer with talent and some semblance of intelligence.

Dave B
Dave B

Holy shit! Thanks for a GREAT article ... Jacqui is from Tucson and will surely freak the fuck out over this ...

Ben Leatherman
Ben Leatherman

cizmar, you're almost worthless--and that's being complimentary (if you're wondering).

Matty
Matty

It was the citizens of Tucson that VOTED to enact the Rio Nuevo project. It wasn't just some thing the state decided it would do on its own because why would the state care to do anything for Tucson? I voted against it because as much as I would love downtown to be revitalized I knew nothing would come of it because our government is full of yokels from City on up.

SNOID
SNOID

her face is on acid or LSD and its melting. i would love to bang this old broad.

real tucsonan
real tucsonan

SCS the state did NOT pump hundreds of millions of dollars into rio nuevo thos were OUR tax dollars that the state usually robs and gives to Phx which we get returned to Tucson instead.

real tucsonan
real tucsonan

Not only that but the Rio Nuevo Audit being conducted by the state is looking more like a political which hunt they are hunkering down with Rio Nuevo State appointed board in creating the audit and findings and barely even contacting the City. Very strange.

Also Dragna most of us Tucsonans DO NOT own multiple fire arms that I believe is more dominated outside of city limits. Speak for yourself and your own kind not an entire City

SCS
SCS

Jesus Christ, Martin, how about reporting on the hundreds of millions of dollars the state has pumped into Rio Nuevo? What have we gotten in return for it? The same dead empty storefronts on Congress Street that have been dead and empty for more than a decade. I live in Phoenix and notice this every time I go down there. Tucsonans call it Rio Nada and say it's a complete joke.

Sick and Tired
Sick and Tired

Cizmar, how about telling us who is on the board, and what they owed Brewer to get on the board. That would be actual reporting, not a bunch of half-assed innuendo. I'm sure Brewer is immersed in payola, I'd just like to know the who, what, where, how, and why.

Coz
Coz

Brewer is one butt ugly bitch

Thor4489
Thor4489

Brewer's trying to keep her husband's misdeeds quiet.

Arizona's OpinionState of Arizona Office of the Auditor General, Performance Audit -- Arizona Naturopathic Physicians Board of Medical ExaminersNaturopathy Scandal in ArizonaIn May 2001, the Arizona Naturopathic Physicians Board of Medical Examiners fired its executive director, John L. Brewer, D.C., following allegations that he shredded documents, copied exams, and misrepresented his credentials. According to a report in the Arizona Republic, a board member had discovered that Brewer did not receive a naturopathic degree from a college in Los Angeles as he had claimed on his license application{1}.

Hank Hill
Hank Hill

Oh my God! Look at her face! What's wrong with her face?!

Dragna
Dragna

Wow Martin, you really dont know Tucson, most of us own multiple firearms and drive huge SUV's/Trucks and guess what we LOVE the Rialto and go there all the time. As much as you might like to pin this on Brewer, it is really much more about some local yokels (yokel developers) trying to force out the little guy. As for Harkins his brother already runs the Theatre across the street from the Rialto. Thanks for being on our side, but man are you lost.

Dem-agogue
Dem-agogue

Just think if Brewski was for big gov'ernment!!

Klondike
Klondike

How typically Brewer-esk

Dfactor
Dfactor

Wait, this reads like a Wonkette column! it's awesome!

Andrew Kno
Andrew Kno

dude. what were you *on* when you wrote this?? hilarious.

Benjamin Leatherman
Benjamin Leatherman

Dude, if you're gonna try to imitate me, poach my identity, and slander my co-worker, at least make sure to use my correct name. I haven't gone by "ben" since high school.

Oh and for the record, Cizmar ain't worthless.

Jim
Jim

she does look like some good GILF loving.

SCS
SCS

Okay - Tucson's tax dollars. I still see empty storefronts and nada when I drive down Congress Street. Can you tell me why the damn thing hasn't gotten off the ground?

Tommy Collins
Tommy Collins

Hank, this photo was taken AFTER her face lift. There is only so much medical professionals can do. In some cases the scalpels are not sharp enough to cut through the leather.

Darren
Darren

Her face is falling, falling. Not a very good facelift.

Phoenix New Times
Phoenix New Times

I can't even begin to guess whether you're being complimentary or not.

Jim
Jim

because Tucson is a dump and barrio of a city. it has been like that since the 1970s. Tucson will never get better. its a lost cause. thats why most smart people leave that hell hole.

Andrew Kno
Andrew Kno

both, actually! it's highly entertaining and explains the issue clear as mud.

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