Wolfgang Van Halen Demonstrates Everything Wrong with Millennials

Categories: Rebuttal
Wolfgangvanhalen.jpg
"Wolfie" Van Halen: The embodiment of everything wrong with his generation.
Want undeniable proof that Millennials and their insufferable parents are ruining America?

Check out two news stories that broke yesterday involving irresponsibly indulgent parents and the musician children they love.

First, we have some band kids at Mesa's Dobson High School who got suspended after being busted for drinking beer on a band trip to China. The little losers were supposed to be playing their tubas while wearing funny hats, but instead they got their drank on after a tour guide (I imagine some poor Chinese guy who got fired as a result of this, bringing shame to his family for generations) presumably took pity on the little pock-marked bastards after noticing they lacked the courage to make awkward passes at the nerdy girls surrounding them. So, we can safely assume, he gave them some beers to chill them out but they got busted cuz they're lame like that. Rather than doing their time respectfully and humbly -- maybe getting a little street cred in the process -- the kids and their despicable parents sued the school to stop the suspension.

Thankfully, a judge threw the lawsuit out, so the brats will just have to get a little blemish on their permanent records. That seems pretty light. Who would complain if the state used the lawsuit as a reason to strip their parents of custody and put the little urchins in an orphanage, where they'd hopefully learn a little about personal responsibility?

What does this have to do with music, beyond the kids being band geeks? Let's look at yesterday's other totally ridiculous Millennial story, this one about the Van Halen reunion.

First, let me say that, like most right-thinking people who've successfully avoided consuming any Chernobly Energy Drink in the vicinity of a hot tub, I don't really give a shit whether the Van Halen brothers team up with their old singer David Lee Roth or not. I mean, seriously, is anyone expecting this to rock at all? The dudes are too old for Spandex and too proud to reinvent themselves as a bluegrass-y acoustic outfit, a la Robert Plant. So whatevs.

However, as both a taxpaying American citizen and professional critic of popular music, I am outraged by the band's decision to fire original bassist Michael Anthony so that Eddie's 19-year-old son, Wolfgang, can take his spot in the lineup.

Okay, look, I don't know how to put this delicately, so I won't try: "Wolfie," the son of Eddie and his ex-wife, actress Valerie Bertinelli, is a fat little pig with bad skin who has no business being on stage with Van Halen. Letting him "play rock star" on huge stages is a travesty of embarrassing proportions. If VH wasn't already in rock's hall of fame I'd suggest they be banned, Pete Rose-style.

Can Wolfie play bass? Who cares? I'm sure he's competent. Because, really, who can't play bass? Fact: There are several trained apes playing bass in circus bands touring the country. They get way more chicks than Wolfie and they party way harder.

So why is Wolfie taking the place of a guy who was in the band for nearly 40 years? Because his daddy wants to pretend his special little son is talented or gifted or cool or whatever. Like those parents who sued their kids' school for suspending them after they were busted with booze, Eddie wants to teach his son to have no respect for anyone or anything.

They call this the Age of Entitlement. I'm not sure The Bubonic Plague II would be worse. It seems that when you're a Baby Boomer with money or power, your goal is to teach your asshat children to show nothing but utter contempt for your fellow man and the rules and standards that govern polite society. It's a horrible thing to see.

In this case, it's probably unstoppable. The little bastard already appeared in the Van Halen Guitar Hero game which, as others have noted, is completely ridiculous, and now the band is planning to include him in their big "reunion?" Disgusting.

This really seems to be a Boomer thing, too. Ozzy (born in 1948) isn't that much older than Eddie (born in 1955) but he never carried on like this. Sure, he got them some fame with the television show, but he never pretended they were worthy of joining Black Sabbath or anything.

Imagine for a second that Randy Rhoades was a more competent pilot: Do you think Ozzy would fire him so Jack could join his group? No way. Ozzy understood something these Boomers and their awful little offspring don't.

So what can you do? Well, you sure as shit should not support this joke on America by seeing Van Halen's upcoming tour.

Or, if you must, you should also send a check for a quarter of the ticket price directly to Anthony. Maybe he can use the cash to get a new ass-kicking band together. I hear there are some hard-partying kids at Dobson High in Mesa.

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99 comments
badfast23
badfast23 like.author.displayName 1 Like

there is NOTHING professional in you article. did you get a B+ in class for this crap? Check your facts. this is journalism 101 dude. there are trained apes writing better articles in the press than this.

badfast23
badfast23 like.author.displayName 1 Like

trained apes write better stories than this.

Ruthie2000
Ruthie2000 like.author.displayName 1 Like

for a music critic you lack brains..there is no age limit on being a musicianand like someone else here said let the fans speak for themselves---today's guitarists suck for the most part-Ed's generation plays better---and Eddie won not only many guitarist of the year awards but also guitarist of the decade===he is hugely talented on keyboard and guitar and his son yea  has his musical talent---his son plays guitar bass drums and keyboards and knows all the Van Halen songs and like someone else said it's the family business--Ed wrote all the songs for the band --it's his life's work--if he wants to pass it down to his son that is none of your business and actually quite a normal thing many parents do----also ---like someone else said MA is with another band and happy with them--he chose to stay with Sammy----and Randy Rhoads did not fly any plane ever....just saying the rude comment you did about him is disrespectful as many of us admire him greatly---and about Wolfie---seriously =since when does being a "music critic" allow you to online bully a sweet nineteen year old kid----

FlGirl
FlGirl

Heard them last night and they were great. Wolfie is fantastic!!!! .... and has EVERY right to be up there with his family. I'm proud of Wolfie - he's got the musicality of Eddie and Alex and I"m sure his family is proud of him.

Office
Office

You've disqualified yourself by your disgusting Personal attacks on a young Kid who happens to be the guys son/nephew. Just hope that Eddie or Alex never meet you alone. That asskicking you ' d deserve,

Judicat3
Judicat3

Just for kicks, here is a fact; Randy Rhoades wasn't piloting the plane he died in, nor was he  pilot.  And your column sucks monkey butt.  Not that I don't agree with you on some of this drivel, but c'mon, "whatevs" and name calling?? You sound like a high school zit faced band geek that is jealous of the cool kid... Notice I did not call you a name, i simply said you you sound like one...

Qqq
Qqq

Whoa...somebody's angwyyy! Calm the hell down asshole!

Davidbuck2001
Davidbuck2001

"Because, really, who can't play bass?"

Clearly you know nothing about bass.

Boomer73
Boomer73 like.author.displayName 1 Like

You fucking idiot! Get at least half of your facts straight before you talk out of your ass. As for professional music critic ,does getting a handful of jelly beans count as a salary? Get your head out of your ass take the dick out of your mouth and pick up a book and learn something so you don't come across as ignorant.

Just
Just

Stupid Martin Cizmar is stupid.

Phillyphan1971
Phillyphan1971

This "article" is a joke! Wolfgang was brought in so the Van Halens could finally have an artist that wouldn't stab them in the back like Anthony!! It's like joining the family business...he learned his instrument and now he's in the band....let's not be jealous now!!

Bsmosars
Bsmosars

Okay so as a bassist, I take mad offense from you saying apes can play the bass. My guess is that you've never tried playing the instrument. Ply a solo on a guitar and then try to do the same thing on a bass, bet you can't. Playing complex bass lines is hard enough, then try introducing slap.... it takes so much more dedication to develop speed and timing on a bas rather than a pussy guitar

Elle Bell
Elle Bell

=VH= Fans, It's all good.  ADKOT is precisely what the Doctor ordered to cure us from the bad vibes we have experienced for decades from weiners like the illustrious "Martin Cizmar".  Stay Frosty!

Elle Bell
Elle Bell

Oops.  I should have read past the first paragraph.  You were not the response that I just left.  But you wrote with the intent to illicit this response, didn't you.  Wow.  So glad I have the credentials that I do.  Suddenly, my less than perfect career path looks sparkling next to this.  Thanks, Loser! 

Elle Bell
Elle Bell

Wow.  I google "Wolfgang van Halen" and find this.  I couldn't make it past the first paragraph.  What a sad and lonely existence it must be for you to have nothing better to do than to pick on this kid.  You have apparently never studied music from anyone with merit.  As for your writing and grammatical skills...well.. I hear that Fox News is looking for someone with your "talents".  

Anthony
Anthony

Like the fox news reference, first of all, if it was not for Wolfgang there would be no tour or new album

BigSteve
BigSteve

just reading this now & seeing what a dumb, ignorant ass you are. van halen's new album rocks so much harder than you or a now-decrepit ozzy ever could. take your foot & stick it in your mouth

1234
1234

who really cares the kids father is eddie van halen if he was your dad you would be on the stage get over it

Adriekeur
Adriekeur

A Different Kind of Truth is out . . . dear Martin Cizmar . . . you must be fealing an ass!

mquale
mquale

WTF? Dude you have NO clue. You call your self a professional music critic? These has been muso's, as you imply, have a lot of fans in their age range. REALLY think this one out....their demographic has way more money and desire to see this band re-united, than anything coming out of modern rock. Which is just a sick joke these days.

Get off my lawn sonny!

Gseltzer
Gseltzer

This writer is simply an ass.  An ill-informed self-righteous ass.  But, hey, it says everything about him and nothing about VH.  VH writes its own destiny.

The Spillers
The Spillers

Get a life ass wipe. First of all playing the bass is only done correctly by few. And when I say few,that means that I can count the hierarchy of bass on my hands. Not only does Wolfgang play bass very well, he is an excellent singer holding down the harmonies for VH. Your personal assault on Wolfgang and Eddie, one of the greatest guitarists of all time is simply baseless and slanderous. FU 

Don1Josco
Don1Josco

Your right on. Saw VH in Charlotte and Wolf handled himself extremely well on Bass and his Vocals were outstanding. They sounded as good or better than 1984.

Mike Sereny
Mike Sereny

Dear Mr. Cizmar,

As deaf as you seem to be and racist towards fat people with bad skin, you should be ashamed of yourself for penning this purile and evidently unsophisticated take on Wolfgang Van Halen right to be in the band. Would it be possible that the other 3 band members may have had a say in the decision. Have you seen the band with Wolfgang? He grooves hard and sings extremely well. So if unfortunately your closet love for Michael Anthony is fueling you inability to critique music with any sense of civility, perhaps pack up your qwerty keyboard and find the nearest AA meeting and I don't mean alcoholics. Maybe you ought to post your picture and see if anybody comments on your physical attributes and skin tones. Sure is a masterful way to argue. Harvard grad I assume (NOT).

A non taxpaying non American citizen luckilyMike

Al1011957
Al1011957

 "Martin Cizmar" definition in Webster's Dictionary.." Ignorant Moron"

Pellsi4573
Pellsi4573

I think Wolfgang has done a very good job so far and he is a much better musician then you are a writer.All I see is a bitter man in life that has no idea what he's talking about and has no business writing in the first place and you call yourself a professional-what a joke

Agalm
Agalm

Did you stop to think it might be a dads dream to play alongside his son. Like it or not it's Eddies band and he can do whatever he wants. Wolfgang is a tremendous musician as well. Good for Eddie. Living the dream.

Captn23
Captn23

I think MA understands as well as anyone else in VH circles that Wolfie is a child prodigy just like his iconic dad. In a perfect world, the Van Halen's would have paid Michael a healthy severance for his loyal years of service, to pass the baton in good faith. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I dont like how it went down either. But either way, Van Halen is a better band today. It's not Wolfie fault, nor is it Anthony's.

Wolfie's performance on this album is stellar. It stands out in so many ways that bass never stood out like on previous VH albums. Pounding rhythms like Anthony, but also leads, distortion, the kid even finger taps on bass in unison with dad tapping on guitar. The kid is mind blowing.The author would have served himself so much better to wait and see what Wolfgang could do before spewing his hate without knowing what Wolfie brings to the band. Original Van Halen were great. But current VH is even better. Van Halen is what it is, not what you wish it were. VH has @ least one fan who is grateful that they keep moving forward and don't rest on past glories. Too bad your too ignorant to keep an open mind. By writing this article so prematurely, you ended up sticking BOTH feet in your mouth!

mquale
mquale

MA went AWOL. He went down to Cabo, with Sammy and the rest of Chicken foot. He had the opportunity to come back and he passed.

Lol
Lol

So... You were wrong about the van halen album then. Happens to the best of us don't worry

joe
joe

Heard the new album, man do you not know your music. This one rocks. Go back to writing about traffic or something.

SuperD
SuperD

right on joe. the new release really rocks. sober and healthy eddie is shredding like the old days and wolfgang plays circles around MA. professional music critic my ass

Jangle
Jangle

Martin...you are a fool. And i doubt you can play bass at all.

Armyguy872008
Armyguy872008

Last I looked the band was called "Van Halen" last I looked 3 members have the name Van Halen looks like they have the majority vote of who they want in the band. As for your "blog" you obviously have a few issues with a kid playing in a rock band. As for the Osbourne reference both of Ozzy's kids attempted music on the coat tails of daddy dearest and momma they just failed and hit the booze and drugs (rehab for both). I personally would give my left nut if I was EVH's kid to go play, and guess what he is going to get laid and make a shit ton of money no matter what you write. You my friend will still be working you shitty job mumming the bars to " Tattoo"

Hatoritucco
Hatoritucco

you are an arrogant little fart of a writer. I can't believe I just read your blathering diatribe of hate and negativity. You should be hauling garbage to the dump and your parents should make you move out of their house how ever old you are!!

Fuckyoubitch
Fuckyoubitch

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH HATE HATE AND HATE IN YOUR BLOOD. YOU NEED HELP BITCH!!!

D Tension
D Tension

You do realize that this replacement happened in 2007 right? Way to be in top of it. 

Jlubr
Jlubr

I was a big VH fan back in the day.  VH1 is one of my favorite rock albums of all time, as I still enjoy it.  However, I will not pay money to see 3/4 VH. 

It's as simple as that.

al
al

 I hear VH is giving 25% off the ticket prices to MA fans

Gulledgetammy
Gulledgetammy

You should be respectful enough of a 19 year old boy not to be an ass....grow up please. im sure you wouldnt want someone saying these things to your child.

Roach
Roach

Dude, you are an idiot. You nullified the few actual good points you were trying to make (Michael Anthony should not have been kicked out of the band) with dumass comments like "Who can't play bass?" I'll bet I know one guy who can't... You, you arrogant wanker... What the hell do know about music? It's clear you think you know a lot, but any real musician would kick you in the nuts for comments like that...

Jcgowing
Jcgowing

ITHINK CIZMAR IS A DUMB ASS. HAVE YOU HEARD OF CHICKENFOOT EINSTEIN?

Guitarfreakx32
Guitarfreakx32

yo buddy, stfu, your an asshole, and you prolly fatter than wolfie. if you have nothing better to do than criticize people for thing s they cant help, or things that make something better, than just shut the fuck up. Also. Michael anthony left the band for chicken foot, and his butt buddy sammy hagar.

Dave
Dave

Thank you! "If Randy Rhoads was a more competent pilot?" Come on, Martin. Do some homework before making such statements about someone who lost his life through no fault of his own. He was going on a short sight-seeing plane ride and didn't know his pilot was high on cocaine. Everything else in your article was spot on, though.

Dflanigan66
Dflanigan66

Martin get over it. Your just jealous because your not the one on stage. The kid is living a dream and who can knock him for that. But do you really think that the Van Halens really care what someone like you thinks who cant even get his facts straight. Thats one of the biggest things that is wrong with America today is that there are to many people wearing panties, and there not women.

Gibbons012
Gibbons012

You could have just typed " Wolfgang and Eddie suck!". That would have saved us all from reading your mindless babble.

Rod
Rod

Amen. Anyone named Wolfgang can play Mike's one note parts.

Miamo
Miamo

You just spout off with no actual knowledge, maybe you should be looking a little more inward when looking at what's wrong with the world.  You're filled with so much negativity and not even the humor that can make it bearable.  Truly I feel sorry for you, I couldn't even make it through your entire piece.. 

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