Vans Warped Tour's 10 Biggest Douchebags

 

Jonathan McNamara

​To some, the Vans Warped Tour is heaven -- dozens of pop, rock and punk bands on multiple stages and tons of young, scantily clad people reveling in the sweaty, fun mess of dancing and moshing.

And to others, Warped Tour is hell. Besides the 100-plus degree heat, there are always some peeps at the show who always inspire some just-why-did-I-come-here moments at the concert. Here are 10 douchebags who should just stay home this summer, especially next Tuesday, June 29 when it comes to Cricket Wireless Pavilion.

Nicki Escudero

​Crowd-surfing bikini-top girl: Okay, so there's definitely nothing wrong with ladies wearing bikini tops to the Warped Tour. It's freaking hot, and it's totally understandable to want to wear the least amount of clothes as possible. But when a girl wearing a bikini top decides to crowd surf, inevitably, said top will come undone. Oops! If you're wearing a stringy swimsuit to cover up your goodies, be smarter than to put your coverage in strangers' hands, as a horny teen guy will probably "accidentally" undo your top.

The guy hogging the mister: Thankfully, the tour is smart enough to bring giant misters for people to stand in front of for a few seconds of cooling sensations. What's not so cool? That 200-pound guy who realizes that five minutes in front of the mister is required in order to avoid heatstroke. When there's a mile-long line behind you, the best etiquette is to count to 10 and scram.

Jonathan McNamara

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The guy trying to sell you something that has nothing to do with music--At Warped Tour, you're going to see a lot of kids with backpacks trying to hustle their friend's band's 2-song EP for $10. Annoying, but it comes with the territory. What's even more WTF is that guy who is hawking self-help books, or friendship bracelets, or vacation packages--something 13-year-old kids with their parents' allowance clearly have no interest in, but the people are there anyway. How did these people even get in here? 

The dude who throws a full bottle of Gatorade everywhere: At Warped Tour, there is bound to be a time when you're watching your favorite band and either someone in the crowd or in the band sprinkles a water bottle on everyone. Sort of gross because you might be getting saliva on you, too, but it's also sort of nice when you're melting your arse off. But when a guy behind you throws something sticky, such as a sports drink, on everyone in front of him, that is just douchey. Keep the lids on non-water drinks screwed on.

Jonathan McNamara

The kid carrying around a pointless sign: Even if your horrible hardcore metal band didn't score a spot on the Tour, there is still a way you can get people to look at you, as some fans have figured out -- make a relatively meaningless sign that will get people to stare at you. This is also effective if you possess few social skills and need an icebreaker to get people to talk to you.

The kids sitting down in the middle of the crowd: Often at Warped Tour, in order to get close to your favorite band, you'll stay and hear the couple of bands before them so that you get a better view when your fave finally takes the stage. This does not mean you should sit down in the middle of a crowd while you're waiting for the other band. With so many people, it's a hassle to try and watch out for the peeps who think it's fine and dandy to park themselves on the ground when everybody else is dancing or moshing or whatever. At least stand up and give the band on-stage some respect if you're going to be at their set.

The band who plays all new stuff: Bands on Warped Tour usually get to play 30- to 45-minute sets, and this is not the concert to show off completely new sets -- bands who don't play at least a couple of their hits are just self-indulgent. Chances are, there are some people in the crowd who know the bands only for their singles, so bands should play at least one or two of them to make everyone happy.

The guy wearing skinny jeans and a leather jacket: Even though it is freaking hot outside and everyone else feels like peeling off their clothes, there are bound to be a few crazies wandering around in dark skinny jeans and/or a sweatshirt or leather jacket. They are just trying to be individual and wear the style they like, but really, they're coming across as insane.

The girl on top of that guy's shoulders: It is really hard to control the massive crowds at Warped Tour, so if someone is dick enough to host his girlfriend on his shoulders and block all the people's views behind him, there's not much anyone can do about it. If you really need to see the band that badly, either wiggle your way to the front, or go to the back and get up high.

The band that talks so much between songs that they only end up playing three: It is usually nice to hear bands explain the meaning behind their songs, but at Warped Tour, there simply isn't enough time to talk extensively about each one. Too much chatter leaves crowds restless and can make the energetic vibe tank -- and people who go to Warped seem to be more into the music than a lot of banter, anyway. Bands should keep talking light and focus on the music, which is the best way to gain new fans and keep people who came to see their sets happy.

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