Reality Show Results Episodes: The 11th Plague

Categories: American Idol
So after sitting through two hours of complete pap Tuesday night as American Idol's first group of 12 attempted to stay on key long enough to get halfway-decent remarks from the judges, you'd think we'd deserve a break, right? In the Land of the Sea-douche, however, there is no rest for the weary, and so we were forced to sit through an hour-long results show Wednesday night that could have taken all of 30 seconds using Michael Scott's method of naming people on The Office (check it starting at 1:48): (Cameltoe, Black Guy, Indian Guy, Gay Guy, Hot Chick, Country Thunder, Drama Queen, High School Chick, Other Hot Chick, you're out -- everyone else, welcome to the Top 12!). In case you don't know who made it though last night, a quick recap:

Before finding out who made it, we had to sit through a group version of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." And I'll be honest: I've heard better group songs at junior high Christmas pageants. Also, I had to hear Stevie Wright again, which I guarantee caused my blood pressure to spike. This show is hazardous to my health.

Also, could Ricky Braddy's pants have been any freaking tighter? The guy knew he was going home, so I guess he just wanted to give America one last look at his junk before he fell into the abyss. Thanks for that, Braddy. If I have nightmares tonight about singing penises encased in tight jeans, I'm coming after you.

So Sea-douche spent the episode trying (and failing) to create tension by asking the contestants how they did Tuesday night and then asking the judges how they thought the contestants did. The responses ranged from the cute (Anoop admitting he was the most nervous he's ever been) to predictable (Casey Carlson admitting she should have picked a better song but not caring because, of course, she had the time of her life up there!) We barely heard from Simon, and when the camera did pan to him, he looked bored as shit. We feel you, Cowell. We really do.

Anyway, Alexis Grace gets through (surprise surprise), and we get another look at her dad, who I decided looks more like a fat Ozzy Osbourne than a member of CSNY. Rumor has it at Vote for the Worst that he needs a heart transplant and doesn't have insurance and that's why Alexis was featured so much Tuesday night. Which, if true, is pretty sad. But I do believe she deserved to get into the Top 12 based on the shitpile of performances Tuesday night, so I won't complain too much about it.

Sea-douche brought Anoop and oil roughneck (did the Idol producers mention he's a roughneck? Because he is. It's a dangerous job, being a roughneck. In case you missed it when the producers brought it up the past 9,000 times) Michael Sarver out together to find out their fates. I really thought Anoop would make it through, but I'm not entirely surprised that Michael did. He's kind of cute, has a sort of decent voice and comes off as a sweet family guy, which, let's be honest, is going to appeal more to the middle American voting bloc than an Indian grad student. No matter, you'd better believe Anoop will be featured in the Wild Card round and make it into the Top 12.

Because the people behind Idol aren't content just to use our captive eyeballs to sell coveted advertising space to Ford or Rice-a-Roni, we also get to spend five minutes listening to Sea-douche tell us about the American Idol Experience, an attraction at Disney World where "normal" people can experience what it's like to be on the show. So, yknow, anytime Casey Carlson gets sick of making bubble tea, she can kick it in the Magic Kingdom and relive her glory days.

And then, miracle of miracles, we got a visit from Season 7 alum Irish chick Carly Smithson and Australian dude Michael Johns. They sang "The Letter" and they were awesome and made pretty much every performance from Tuesday night sound like dying cats in comparison. Sigh. 

Of course the producers wait until the end to let Tatiana del Toro and Danny Hokey Gokey if they've gotten through, and though it sounds mean, it's actually kind of fun to watch Tatiana hyperventilate as Sea-douche asks her how she feels. "I don't know how I feel," she responds, and you can tell she's just ready to snap his head off. Gokey gets through, though, like Anoop, I'm sure the judges will bring Tatiana back for the wild card round, because, let's face it, drama=ratings.

We have to listen to Hokey sing "Hero" again as the camera pans to one of his relatives holding up a picture of -- wait for it -- The Jonas Brothers! Nah, just kidding, it was the dead wife (natch).

Tatiana, left in tears, looked ready to cut a bitch. Watch your back, Abdul.

Tuesday: Group 2 tries to outsing Group 1, which should not be hard. On the block: Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, Jasmine Murray, Jeanine Valles, Jesse Langseth, future father of my children Kai Kalama, Kris Allen, Matt Breitzke, Matt Giraud, Megan Corkrey, Mishavonna Henson, Nick Mitchell.    

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