(It even brings to mind Ernie Hudson's humorous line from The Crow: "So many cops, you'd think they givin' away donuts!")
Unless you're the sort of foolhardy daredevil who enjoys risking the lives of both yourself and others -- not to mention a very expensive trip to the Fourth Avenue Jail in downtown Phoenix -- check out the following suggestions on how to get home safely tonight without incident.
(And forget about relying on the Twittersphere to determine where the checkpoints are, as not even the most instantaneous Tweets can keep up with every single po-po on the road.)
You can thank us tomorrow.
7. METRO Light Rail
Just like it did a year ago during New Year's Eve, the Valley's light rail service will be in operation until around 3 a.m., an hour after last call occurs. While this leaves anyone not in close proximity to a station (read: Scottsdale) outta luck, inebriated revelers in either Phoenix, Mesa, and Tempe can catch a late-night train ride to and from the bars and clubs.
Cost: $1.75 for a three-hour ride pass.
6. Taxi Cabs
New Year's Eve is one of the biggest nights of the year for P-Town hacks, and with good reason. Patrons pile into the back seats of their cabs in nearly non-stop fashion from 6 p.m. until around 4 a.m., dropping greenbacks to get to their chosen destinations. There are dozens of taxi services in the PHX, but the following companies offer free rides back to your car the morning after with a paid fare the night before.
AAA Yellow Cab: 602-252-2000
All-State Cab: 602-275-8888
Checker Cab: 602-257-1818
Discount Cab: 602-200-2000
Cost: Varies per destination, but averages around $20-$30.
5. Old Town Scottsdale's Golf Carts:
These motorized mini-cars have been buzzing around the streets of the East Valley nightlife Mecca over the past few months, offering rides between nearby clubs. If you happen to live in Old Town, they'll also give you a ride home. Here are numbers for two of the companies in operation:
Bunny Rides: 602-405-2106 (Runs from 4 p.m.-3 a.m.)
Swift Rides: 602-909-2288 (Runs from 9 p.m.-3 a.m.)
Cost: Free, although gratuities are appreciated.
4. Bar Buses:
A few establishments will not only provide patrons with alcohol, they'll also give 'em a ride home to boot. The Vig (4041 North 40th Street, 602-553-7227) will offer its "Vig Rig" service to customers from nearby neighborhoods, as will O'Kelley's (2120 West Guadalupe Rd., Mesa, 480-756-6069). Meanwhile, after-hours spot Afterlife (4282 North Drinkwater Boulevard, Scottsdale, 480-264-8300) will be running shuttle service to the dorms of ASU every 30 minutes.
C'mon, it's not that bad of an option. Plus, you can burn off all that excess alcohol.
Cost: Free, yo.