The Basic Bitch Breakdown: Your Guide to Basics in Tempe, Scottsdale, and Phoenix

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Alan Stark via Flickr
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Heads up, bitches. This one's going to sting.

Whether you love her, hate her, or secretly wonder if you are her, the basic bitch is everywhere. From the West Coast to the East Coast, Midwest, and down south, this simple lady can found playing it safe inside a neighborhood Starbucks, under the mist of a spray tan, or on social media posting selfies (#blessed).

Of course, the basic bitch doesn't just vary from state to state, she varies by city. Which is why we're breaking down the basics of being basic in Tempe, Scottsdale, and Phoenix.

See also: 50 Signs You're Dating a Basic Bitch

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Neon Tommy via Flickr


The Tempe Basic Bitch

She drives: A VW Jetta. It was a graduation gift, you guys.
Her dog a.k.a. her baby: A Boston terrier because she couldn't afford a French bull dog
Her favorite book: Bridget Jones's Diary
Her dream job: Kindergarten teacher
Her tattoo: It's an inspirational but misquoted line from her favorite song, bible verse, or book.
Her dream vacation: Disneyland because you're never too old to be a princess.
Her drink of choice: She likes IPAs because that's what her guy friends drink.
Her summer jam: "Pompeii" by Bastille
Her favorite movie of 2014 so far: The Fault in Our Stars
Her workout routine consists of: Zumba
She finds $20 in her pocket and immediately spends it on: a trip to Target.
You'll find her at: A house party with basic bros



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60 comments
Roxane Zamora
Roxane Zamora

I'm a basic bitch.. Who knew?! .. But I'm also a doctor, and love my rescues so I'm doing alright and don't need your approval.. Have a peaceful day.. More basicness :)

April Black
April Black

I'm too high to read this basic babble.

Angie Rivera
Angie Rivera

I guess I'm part "Phoenix Basic Bitch" because I drive a HHR (I can fuel it with E85) and I have a Pit Bull mix that I literally rescued from the street according to the Cosmopolitan reject who writes this trash. "Sadly", I don't fall under the other categories.

Dimitri Botone
Dimitri Botone

OMG This is Kylie. So so true. #dead "owns a VW Jetta" LMAOOO

Brandi Cruz
Brandi Cruz

See Kaylin, you're not a basic bitch after all!

Elmo Kirkwood
Elmo Kirkwood

The most "basic" thing I can think of is deciding what makes other people "basic" and then letting said people know. #basicbitch

Talia Fuentes
Talia Fuentes

All I want is to be a basic bitch but I don't fit into any of these molds!! I'm so confused, how do I continue on?!?

Amber Fredrick
Amber Fredrick

I think being concerned with if you're basic or not, is now too basic.

Emily Graves
Emily Graves

Is this real life? I don't relate to anything on that list. I guess that's good...?

Nicole Parasida
Nicole Parasida

I would be so awesome if people would stop calling women bitches.

Angie Rivera
Angie Rivera

Obviously, the Cosmo reject author of this piece of trash is a basic humorless bitch.

Mike Bowers
Mike Bowers

Oh man, I just laughed so hard, I sharted my pants... You rock New Times.

Go-Getter ML
Go-Getter ML

Well none of these fit me, so i must be a rare bitch.. where are all my rare bitches at?! haha

Heather Lynn Traficano
Heather Lynn Traficano

number #1 reason why women not on this list are not on this list.. we say BYE FELICIA to publications like this. Bye felicia!

Andy Torres
Andy Torres

West valley has a Michael kors purse drives a Chevy Tahoe. spends her 20 on Starbucks and chipotle . Dog is a Chihuahua mix. She hangs out in some type of shopping center/strip mall. Dream vacation anywhere there's a beach.

James Nash
James Nash

Women who say that they're "spiritual" -_-

Olivia Barrett
Olivia Barrett

There’s nothing about this that isn’t bullshit -___-

Brenda Jones
Brenda Jones

Ha! Couldn't stand my self if I had fit any of those descriptions at any point in my life

Jerry Diepstraten
Jerry Diepstraten

I know plenty basic bitches sad to say most of em are my ex's

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