How to Flirt: A Quick Guide for the Socially Inept

how-to-flirt-flickr-lostprophet.jpg
Flickr via lostprophet
Warning: This is an advanced move.

Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Like any person riding the existential roller coaster that is their 20s, I bounce back and forth between thinking I know what I'm doing and realizing I don't know shit. Moments of blockbuster confidence are followed by moments of complete inadequacy in the fetal position.

This method of one step forward and two steps back has become my sad white girl dance approach to work, friendship, and, sometimes, my love life.

Just when think I've found someone (I refuse to say "the one" because, come on, that's bull), I find out something else. Maybe they're not over their ex, maybe they harbor wanted criminals in their basement, or maybe, just maybe, it's me.

Remember when I said I would never tarnish my credibility on Courting Disaster by revealing my flaws? Well, it's happening.

Let's start with flaw numero uno: flirting.

See also: 10 Things Every Single Person Experiences at Weddings

I put the "F" in flirting.

Some days I wonder if there was flirting orientation that everyone woman but me attended. Maybe I was sick that day. Maybe I just didn't get the memo. All I know is that I seem to lack an inherent sexual skill.

I tried flirting my way out of a ticket once. The fine doubled. I tried my first shot of tequila with a handsome rugby player. I spat the whole mess into his face.

When I see women work their magic at a bar, I am in awe. I want to whip out a legal pad and begin taking notes.

I've tried wearing tight dresses; my stomach is not having it. I tried smooshing my boobs together in a sexy shrug, but my elbows touched before my breasts ever did. I try walking in high heels. It's like a baby learning to walk for the first time.

Someone told me the key is to make eye contact. "The eyes are the window to the soul."

I have a lazy eye. What kind of window is that? If you're going to start making these house-face metaphors, then I guess I'm just reserved to being the Winchester
Mystery House (Google it).

When eye contact is made I look elsewhere. I look at the floor, at the ceiling, at the couple next to us. Anything to avoid being asked: "What's up with your eye?"

If a man stares too intently at me, I panic. Is there something on my face? Did I leave something in my teeth? Damn those chia seeds!

The biggest problem is nerves. When you're nervous, everything falls apart. Wrong numbers are given (on accident), stupid jokes are made (on purpose), and the chances of food or drink making it directly to my mouth are gone. They're just gone, people.

What do I do to hurdle my crippling social ineptitude? I ask questions. Lots of questions. Best advice anyone ever gave to me was to ask people about themselves. Because here's the truth, people can't say enough about "me." I mean hell, look at this column.

So if you find yourself in a situation much like myself, pit-stained and wondering how much eyeliner has worked its way to your lids, just ask questions. You'll seem interested, they'll feel interesting and the spotlight (and tables) will turn.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.



Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
33 comments
Jennifer Schweizer
Jennifer Schweizer

I can cross being a whore off my bucket list now, life is good :)

UncleJessesMullet
UncleJessesMullet

KATIE.  ONE TIME I WENT ON A DATE AND GOT CATFISHED.  I GOT TO THE RESTAURANT AND MY DATE WAS IN A FISH BOWL.  I WAS LIKE HUH HOW COME YOU NOT A GURL?  WHAT DO I DO NEXT TIME THAT HAPPENS?

James Espa
James Espa

Who cares. You're both acting like whores.

Kelly Watson
Kelly Watson

I'm not a cruel person, but thanks for pointing out my typo. You seem like a very unhappy person. I hope you get better soon.

Jennifer Schweizer
Jennifer Schweizer

Kelly Watson, it's I was almost cruel to you. You can't do something future with a past tense. Do the world a favor and take an English class.

Jennifer Schweizer
Jennifer Schweizer

Be cruel, if you think this article was of quality, that is your opinion. My opinion is it is not of quality. I could careless who wrote this, grow up not everyone agrees and they are allowed to state their opinion.

Kelly Watson
Kelly Watson

I almost did something really cruel to you. But that would be the same as what you just did you this author. P.S. you have NO privacy on your FB page. Have a nice day.

UncleJessesMullet
UncleJessesMullet

KATIE, IT'S FRIDAY.  DOING ANYTHING FUN IN THE DATING SCENE TONIGHT??  GOING OUT ON THE TOWN MAYBE??  TAKING AN UBER HOME BY YOURSELF MAYBE?  STOPPING AT QUIKTRIP FOR A DIGIORNO PIZZA FIRST MAYBE??

AuntieKelly
AuntieKelly

Yeah, I'm sure the lazy eye thing is somehow my fault. Sorry about that. I also think my lazy eye is directly responsible for my resting bitch face. I'm constantly waiting for someone to mention the eye. Maybe that's why I'm the oldest female to marry in the family....so far.


Jennifer Schweizer
Jennifer Schweizer

I agree Angie, I read that and I can't figure out how to purge it from my brain, ugh garbage. They should just stick to posting local events.

chris.m.robert
chris.m.robert

Take it easy on Katie... at least she's not Matthew Hendley.

magicmarker_pr
magicmarker_pr

Thanks Katie, you Cosmo reject, for that wonderful advice???

The only reason I'm not following your dating tips it's because I don't want to trade my dog for a cat.

Also, I actually want to improve my dating life and the quality of men I attract and approach.

killergopher
killergopher

So your brilliant advice is to ask questions? Awesome!!! Does not work past three or four questions. Maybe for women it works, but for men, it does not. It would be nice to get a writer on here writing about dating advice for men. Or how about dating advice in general. This article is about the writers short comings in dating and gives no actual advice. I am not trying to talk her down or be rude, I am just pointing out the obvious. If you're going to have a relationship advice column you need a 2 person team consisting of a man and a women giving both perspectives maybe even creating some excitement in the article and some real advice.

TommyCollins
TommyCollins topcommenter

Katie, I like the article. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I know much of what you wrote is in jest and it's fun. The irony, of course, is that so much of the time when we are flirting we don't even realize it. Flirting can begin with a casual glance, or maybe just a quick smile and "Hi"... and then it takes off with little or no effort. Guys, of course, have no clue when a lady is flirting. Much of the time it takes a smack alongside the head to get their attention. With a purse or perhaps a high heel shoe. 


You aren't alone, m'dear. Most of us have no clue what flirting is about.    

wtf...
wtf...

how about you tell us how to flirt....

UncleJessesMullet
UncleJessesMullet

AMAZING ARTICLE  I LIKE TEH PART WITH THE PICTURE OF THE GURL :p

UraHack
UraHack

So, is this a column about how socially awkward and quirky YOU are or is it suppose to be a "How to" per the headline?

URANEDIOT
URANEDIOT

Jennifer, you should have said care less instead of careless, how careless of you eh?  Your glass house is now shattered.

Rhfrjfvntvu
Rhfrjfvntvu

Virugvnguruvnrgivjneritvuenrgivunrgvijrgmvigrjvmir

whatchadrinking
whatchadrinking

@UncleJessesMullet @UraHack She being paid to do this professionally. This is supposed to be an advice column, which indicates an expertise in the area she's advising us about. If that's her best, she needs to be canned.

AuntieKelly
AuntieKelly

@whatchadrinking I think you confuse the 'observations' with the 'advice'. I can see why you'd be needing advice though. Here's some: try not to be hostile towards women. I bet you can't do that though. :)

UraHack
UraHack

@AuntieKelly To be fair, the individual wasn't being "hostile", but rather--wait for it--honest. If you cannot handle criticism and or dissenting opinions, then maybe you shouldn't be in this industry. :)

AuntieKelly
AuntieKelly

@UraHack Oh sorry, I wasn't addressing you. I apologise if that was confusing for you. :)

Now Trending

Phoenix Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...