Lingerie, I Hate You

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Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Does anyone look good in lingerie? Outside the world of a mannequin or a Victoria's Secret model, lingerie is rarely flattering. If anything, lingerie does a good job to let you know what parts of your body aren't working

Fine lines cut into your skin making you feel like finely wrapped sausage. Sagging bra cups resemble empty breast pockets. Lacey "underwear" crawls up your butt and out of sight -- no doubt hiding from the sheer embarrassment of you in that whole ensemble.

I mean seriously, bows? You look like Little Bo Peep fell on hard times.

See also: 10 Things Every Single Person Experiences at Weddings

Nonetheless, I have cinched, squeeze, buckled, and buttoned myself into my fair share of frilly bras, panties, and garters -- or, as I like to call them, fancy butt pulley systems.

For as little material goes into making it and what little time goes into wearing it, I'm told lingerie can make for some memorable moments. Some sexy, and others not so much.

Guess which category this story falls under.

I have learned the hard way that life is not a rom-com. Bypassing airport security to kiss someone goodbye will get you tasered or at the very least, tackled by TSA.

Showing up outside someone's bedroom window with a boombox can result in a restraining order.

Interrupting a wedding ceremony to profess your undying love for the bride or groom is pretty damn inconsiderate.

And, though it may seem like the ultimate sexy gesture, showing up to your boyfriend's house in nothing but lingerie and a trench coat is terrible idea.

I'll explain.

Years ago when my body was in its prime but my dignity was not, I decided to show up to my then-boyfriend's apartment in nothing but black lingerie and a pink trench coat.

Hot, right? Yeah that's what all the strangers at the Circle K thought, too.

Planning has never been my forte. Were it, I'd probably have things like a husband, dental insurance, and a 401(k). So when I put on my slut Barbie ensemble, I neglected to consider a few crucial pieces of information.

One: My boyfriend at the time lived about 30 minutes away in Ahwatukee. And while the luxury of having my own car afforded me plenty of privacy on the way there, the fact that I was completely out of gas did not. I decided to bite the bullet and get gas before getting on the freeway. That meant getting gas in downtown Phoenix. In the evening. On a particularly windy day.

There's no doubt in my mind that a blurry shot of me unintentionally flashing my panties whilst pumping gas remains on a camera phone somewhere to this day. You're welcome, sir.

Two: The roommate. My boyfriend had a roommate. Did I know this ahead of time? Obviously. Did I consider the possibility that he might answer the door? Obviously not.

He greeted me with a confused look and, half-laughing, offered to take my coat. Of course I didn't blame the ass-clown for looking at me like I was a weirdo. Even though the coat concealed my stripper Barbie ensemble, it was still a coat.

And herein lay error number three: It was August.

Despite the monsoon, it was too hot to be dressing like Dick Tracy. Yet when he half-jokingly offered to take my coat, I had no choice but to mumble "no thanks" and play it off as though I was actually comfortable stewing in my overcoat of embarrassment sweat.

I sat like that, pit-stained and pitiful, throughout the entire dinner with my boyfriend, his roommate, and his roommate's girlfriend, eating away at my frustration until I had a nice healthy food baby protruding from what once a sexy outfit.

Following dinner, I excused myself, changed into a pair of my boyfriend's boxers and a shirt, and buried my lacy $40 efforts in the bottom of my purse where it would late be destroyed by hair pins and an uncapped highlighter.

I guess we all have that moment when we realize that life is more com than rom. And this was definitely mine.

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8 comments
jb0428
jb0428

It's funny how we remember our romantic comedies... the borrowing of t-shirts and boxers was always sexier than lingerie.

julie.peterson1
julie.peterson1

Don't invest in crotchless panties. Once you've pointed out that you just had sex in magic underwear that no one bothered to look at when the lights were on or notice didn't need to be removed, your relationship has more problems and you're out whatever they cost (i.e., cheapest item at lingerie party).

UraHack
UraHack

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fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

"I have cinched, squeeze, buckled, and buttoned myself into my fair share of frilly bras, panties, and garters -- or, as I like to call them, fancy butt pulley systems."


Please post  pictures and let the reader decide.  

james8394
james8394

There's a you tube video by the woman that did "Ivy League Hustle" called "Stripper at the ARCO" where she keeps pulling $1 bills out of her costume to feed the gas pump. Really pretty funny 

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@julie.peterson1


Golly Jules, good advice.  How many people was it again who refused to look when the lights were on?  

julie.peterson1
julie.peterson1

@fishingblues @julie.peterson1 ooooh, burn. In reality the lights were sometimes on, sometimes off, and I just was really hoping I could somehow make it an actual surprise, so I didn't say, "Hey, leave the lights on, I have something cool to show you. . ." . . . so complicated. So it really is good advice.


fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

@julie.peterson1 @fishingblues


Jules, I don't want you to think I'm picking on you, but I still have questions. 


So, when you say "...the lights were sometimes on, sometimes off.." it seems you are confessing to multiple times with the same pair of "magic underwear".


I thought you were speaking collectively and at one time and you were obviously referring to individually over much time with multiple 'observers'.


Once again, as I mentioned to the author of this piece,   "post pictures and let the reader decide". 

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