Phoenix Is a Great City for Single Women, Apparently

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Jordan Lachemann
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Where are all my single ladies at? On their way to Phoenix, apparently.

A recent report released by NerdWallet listed the the 10 Best Cities for Single Women, and whether you're surprised to hear it, Phoenix was ranked at number nine.

While I would normally not find myself on a site that supplies financial tools and assistance, because my idea of balancing a checkbook involves resting it on top of my head, I was intrigued to see what exactly qualified a city to be ideal for us spinsters.

See also: Guns and Roses: A Tale of Valentine's Day Solo, Sort Of

NerdWallet looked at three things for its list. First, there was the availability of singles. Though I know plenty of people who hardly have let a wedding band get between them and their hard-on for another person, I personally prefer not to be someone's a la carte, so this was a stat I could get on board with.

The site looked specifically at the ratio of unmarried men to unmarried women, implying that cities with lower ratios had higher numbers of available men. Couple of problems with this. In addition to not factoring in the sexual orientations of the sexes (case in point, it listed San Francisco as the number one city for single ladies -- San Francisco), it also didn't take into account something that any woman who's been on the dating circuit long enough knows to be true.

Men are like public bathroom stalls. If you ever find yourself waiting in line at the women's restroom, only to realize there's one lone stall no one's bothering to claim, just know that there's a reason. There's a reason why women are risking a UTI for another stall to become available. Similarly, if a man has gotten to a certain age and has yet to settle down, a girl has to wonder.

Phoenix has an almost even ratio of 104.97 women to 100 men, but I feel I have to cut that number into a least half due to sexual orientation, lack of shit-togetherness, and simple unfuckability. Sorry, guys, but just because that shit-splattered toilet stall is available doesn't mean I'm going to claim it.

Next on NerdWallet's list of qualifiers was "ease of meeting people." They factored this in by the number of bars and restaurants per 1,000 residents and the Walk Score of each city. Unsurprisingly, Phoenix's Walk Score was D+ material, 38.3, but when you apply that to dating, I'm not complaining. That just means fewer dates for me to piece together the fact that you don't have a car. Think about it, if we lived in a city with a good walking score, it could be years before I figure out that you're two DUIs away from ever driving me off into the sunset.

I was pretty pleased with our bar/restaurant score, 3.69, which was not the highest, sure, but also not the lowest, and as any poor sucker who's ever dated me can tell you, I consume food like an obese child fresh out of fat camp.

The last category for this singles-friendly cities list was affordability, which boiled down to unemployment rates and the average cost of a cheap date: "two movie tickets, a 12-inch Pizza Hut pizza, and one 1.5-liter bottle of Livingston Cellars or Gallo Chablis or chenin blanc wine." Wait, hold the phone, Loveline. Why the hell would I want to live in Poor Man's Paradise? Let me be clear, when I say I consume food like child fresh out of fat camp, I mean a foodie fat kid. A foodie fat kid who escaped from a gourmet fat camp.

I may have few certainties in my life, but I know for damn sure that I never want to receive a marriage proposal at an Olive Garden. I have to say, much like the character Adam on Girls, this NerdWallet list has left me with mixed feelings.

To read the full list, visit NerdWallet.

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31 comments
Daphne Young
Daphne Young

No Katie slander! Katie is smart, fit, wise and fun. She looks like a young Julia Roberts and calls 'em like she sees 'em. The whole "she must be single because she's_________" is so childish.

Sarah Hubbard
Sarah Hubbard

More things to factor in: I take longer than a girl to get ready. I own 6+ Affliction t-shirts. I pretend to have money and my personal favorite, I have a laundry list of requirements and feel entitled.

tgrubbs
tgrubbs

So I'm still available at a ripe-old 37, at what age do I become a "shit-splattered toilet stall"? Or maybe I've already crossed that bridge!!

Angie Rivera
Angie Rivera

Eve Elsker for real for sure. I read an article recently about the best cities for DOUCHEBAGS, and Phoenix, Glendale, Chandler, Gilbert, Mesa, Scottsdale and Tucson made it on a list of 100 cities. Tempe got an honorific mention in the article but didn't made it on the list because of its small population. When 6 cities in the same metro area are mentioned in an article about douchebags, that is pretty sad.

Eve Elsker
Eve Elsker

For real. Thanks for sharing honestly.

Eve Elsker
Eve Elsker

Omg! If they love the douchebags this is the place. Whatever.....

Brian Mear
Brian Mear

I feel sorry for good women trying to find a man out there Scumbags galore...

BT Carlos
BT Carlos

Katie should have to post a pic and a personal resume. I'm guessing there's a reason she's single and it's not a desirable one. ;)

Gene Edwin Miller
Gene Edwin Miller

I'm not a single woman, however I'm a single man. so suggestion. how about instead of listing the ways that most men fail, you instead list how we can improve. since improving is something I personally have been trying to do since 2010.

MaiLe Keller
MaiLe Keller

Tara....funny I'm one of the member of the group.

Tara Marshall
Tara Marshall

Not for single women who don't believe in that whole Jeebus myth. It's hard to find fellow Atheists out here to date, even Agnostics. And then there was the meet-up with the local Atheist group that had 3 ex-boyfriends of mine at it. Awkward...

Ephy Poulos
Ephy Poulos

Ummm yea if you wanna stay single cuz you're so let down

Angie Rivera
Angie Rivera

I won't doubt that Katie Johnson dates here, but the douchebags at NerdWallet obviously don't. This is THE WORST city for dating, and I've been living here almost 7 years.

UraHack
UraHack

If only most of the single ladies weren't stuck up cunts...

petersonjulie
petersonjulie

Maybe it's like Ladies' Night? So best cities for single women means they're there, it's supposed to be a great thing for them, but really it just means that's where these carless Gallo-buyers can find them easily.

I agree with you, though; however materialistic you aren't, Pizza Hut and CVS wine are not date-night material. They are lovely in a committed relationship, within reason. Or if you want to meet a lady who still isn't old enough to buy her own wine (and take her out to the desert). Otherwise, creativity, please, to show some regard and effort, even in the absence of net worth.

UraHack
UraHack

@UraHack  Also, I've met the author of the article. This chick is an insufferable bitch. Get over yourself, sweet heart.

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