10 Things You Should Never Say After Sex

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Courtesy Flickr user: Juan Manuel Garcia
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

Sex is all about marketing. Please, understand your audience and choose your words carefully. From "making love" to "fucking," you've got a pretty broad spectrum of choices. So although your blood is rushing away from your brain and down to your genitals, try to make an effort with your vocabulary. Good grammar is sexy and bad vocabulary can kill a lady boner. Also don't say "lady boner." We hate it.

Here are the 10 worst things you can say -- most of which I've heard said -- post-coitus (including the words "post-coitus").

See also: How a Nerd Became a Dating Columnist

10. Post-coitus

Unless Kinsey is back from the dead and observing us through a two-way mirror, don't refer to sex as coitus. Additionally, don't use childish euphemisms. It's creepy. Just ask comedian Patton Oswalt (the above video is totally NSFW, by the way).

9. Nothing

How do you make first-time sex with a new person even more awkward? You say nothing.

I think of it as a moment of silence for something that died: our chemistry.

8. "I love you."

This was actually said during the act, making it only a million times worse. Your heartfelt proclamations lose credibility when you're sticking it inside someone. It's hard to feel you when I can still feel you.

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19 comments
Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

"Ya know, you sorta remind me of my (insert close relative here) in a strange kinda way." "Hey, let's watch (insert crappy reality TV program here)!"

seek_serendipity
seek_serendipity

Wow!  Talk about major negativity!  I either never had your experiences, or never perceived such negativity from similar experiences.  Sure, there are some jerks out there, but there are also some nice guys.  But you keep going like that criticism and negativity like that, no man will ever want to be with you.  At least no normal decent guy...just the crazy ones.

kx397
kx397

Lighten up, Frances! Wanna know how to keep a man? Don't be so uptight! On the upside, looking forward to using "bingo wings!" ASAP!...//TJ

Carrie Davis
Carrie Davis

Have a good day lock ur door on the way out? How about if i smack em on the butt first and give em coffee? Ok Uuuummm sooo thats it huh? I could have done that myself! Bwaaahahahahaha get out! OH WAIT YOU WERE GIVING WHAT NOT TO SAY SORRY GO AHEAD .... MY BAD !!! Ya dont say any if these !!!

Loren Chase
Loren Chase

"and its in the hole" Bill Murry caddyshack style

Happy Funball
Happy Funball

"NEXT!" "I Haven't done anything that weird since 4th grade Bible Camp" "Awwwwkwarrrrd..." "IN THE FAAAACE!!!!!" "Top of the world, ma!"

Happy Funball
Happy Funball

Please, this subject was a Life in Hell comic 20+ years ago

burt
burt

When I was a kid, bingo wings were called Ethel Mermans.

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