10 Things You Should Never Say After Sex
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
Courtesy Flickr user: Juan Manuel Garcia
Sex is all about marketing. Please, understand your audience and choose your words carefully. From "making love" to "fucking," you've got a pretty broad spectrum of choices. So although your blood is rushing away from your brain and down to your genitals, try to make an effort with your vocabulary. Good grammar is sexy and bad vocabulary can kill a lady boner. Also don't say "lady boner." We hate it.
Here are the 10 worst things you can say -- most of which I've heard said -- post-coitus (including the words "post-coitus").
See also: How a Nerd Became a Dating Columnist
Unless Kinsey is back from the dead and observing us through a two-way mirror, don't refer to sex as coitus. Additionally, don't use childish euphemisms. It's creepy. Just ask comedian Patton Oswalt (the above video is totally NSFW, by the way).
How do you make first-time sex with a new person even more awkward? You say nothing.
I think of it as a moment of silence for something that died: our chemistry.
8. "I love you."
This was actually said during the act, making it only a million times worse. Your heartfelt proclamations lose credibility when you're sticking it inside someone. It's hard to feel you when I can still feel you.