Um, Have You Been Tested for STDs?

condom_image.jpg
Courtesy Flickr user: Zorah Olivia
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.

I have this weird thing I do in the bedroom.

I ask my partners to get tested.

It's sad that this has become the bizarre thing to do in bed, considering all the crazy sexual shenanigans that can happen behind closed and (for those who had an unfortunate college roommate situation) not-so-closed doors.

See also: 10 Phoenix Guys You've Probably Dated

I feel like the hall monitor of hanky panky, because more often than not, the reaction I get from guys is not exactly a positive one. Men get offended. They tell me I'm weird (like I didn't know that already, psh), they get angry, and they threaten to walk away. Which in all honesty, isn't really a threat. Nobody does me better than me, and I'm pretty sure most women feel the same.

So here's my advice, gentlemen. If a woman asks you to get tested, please, take it as a compliment because it means she's assuming you've actually been laid.

And ladies, same goes for you. If a guy asks you to get tested, do it. Then call me so I can confirm that the world has officially turned upside down.

I've had friends tell me that asking a guy to get tested is invasive and rude. More invasive than sticking your dick inside someone? More rude than giving them herpes? It may not have been featured in Emily Post's Etiquette, but trust me, giving someone an STD is more offensive than asking them a slightly uncomfortable question about their health.

As for protection, condoms are like your shitty bare-bones insurance plan. They don't protect you against everything, and when you find out you're not covered, you're fucked. You'll be paying out of pocket and out of your vagina for the indefinite, and possibly burning, future.

Oh, and one more note about the condoms. Dudes, what's with buying the condoms that are a size too big? Is it so women will ask you if you lost weight? Sure, everybody wants to be an XL or a Magnum but not being comfortable in your own skin and pretending to be something you're not is just going to make your penis look like it's playing dress-up in his father's trench coat or suffocating in a garbage bag.

Be accepting of your body and the fact that someone may or may not want you to get that body tested. It's not because they think you live in a dumpster of discarded hypodermic needles, or spent your early years as a bargain prostitute in the Third World, they just want to have sex with you and not wake up to a fire crotch in the morning.

And for the minority of us who are the ones asking, remember, if the other person is a complete dick about it, you can tell him or her to go fuck themselves. Literally. Because you're not going to do it.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
8 comments
Jo Ellen Birt McNamara
Jo Ellen Birt McNamara

Thank you Jackalope Ranch...can we post this column in every high school and college newspaper in the country?

TheBacontarian
TheBacontarian

My favorite is when they ask if you're on the pill.  You obviously say "yes!" and they assume its a no condom situation.  Sorry, bro.  I'm protecting myself from having your shitty kid.  You still have to wear the jimmy hat.

Rock_This_Way
Rock_This_Way

Please describe in more detail how this conversation takes place. I'd like to bring it up but ice breakers are, well, difficult.

Kevin Brown
Kevin Brown

Not to mention telling the truth on the pre-blood donation interview disqualifies you from such half-assed testing in the first place...

Julia Gerson
Julia Gerson

Donating blood is a wonderful thing and it's fantastic for anyone to do so! But no one should use it as a free STI test. In the case of HIV there is a "quiet period" when the test may not detect the virus and they will also not test for any STIs which are not bloodborne. Free testing locations are easy to find online! :) Here's some info about this from the Red Cross: http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/donation-faqs

Tyler Pruitt
Tyler Pruitt

Look maybe it's because I'm not from Arizona but I ask and if the answer is "never" or "not since I had sex with the last guy" then we go together and get tested... I don't take offense. I have no "accidents" and no STIs.

Davey Miller
Davey Miller

donate blood or plasma, rather than spend $200+ on full panel test, they'll let you know if you have anything

Now Trending

Phoenix Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...