5 Reasons Why the Man Bun Needs to Go

Categories: Morning Buzz

Sons of Anarchy, FX
Between the celebrities, Tumblrs, and how-to videos, the man bun has been creeping across the Internet and up men's scalps since early spring. And just like the grass in our lawns or the potted plants at Trader Joe's, we assumed, nay, prayed that the trend would die off by fall.

It hasn't.

So it's time to be proactive in the battle against man buns, to untangle the trend before it takes over the scalps of every boyfriend, husband, and potential lay in the country.

See also: Beardvertising Brings Ads to Beards

Here are five reasons why we need to put a ban on the bun.

1. The man bun is no easy feat. Much like hats or capri pants, the man bun is not for everyone. With chiseled male models and teams of professional stylists, magazines would lead you to believe that taming your greasy locks into a head lump is a look that any man can pull off.

It's not. And most likely, you can't.

2. If ever you want confirmation on whether you're making a poor style choice or a bad one, just look for the latest photo of Shia LaBouef. In this case, think of his gnarly head bun as your greasy red flag.

3. Point us in the direction of a single manly looking hair accessory. We'll wait right here.

4. The man bun is a gateway hairstyle. First it's man buns, and next thing it's man pigtails. Before you know it, your man is sporting Scary Spice knots and twerking like Miley Cyrus.

5. Male bunheads, your top knot is confusing us. We don't know whether to interpret your next level man-pony as a sign of your laissez-faire attitude towards hygiene and maintenance or as an overgrown extension of your vanity. Will our couples prep routine involve sharing styling products, a blow dryer, and waiting an extra 20 minutes for you to sync your hair spiral? Or will it involve us checking for lice while you eye the shampoo bottle with suspicion?

Let's nip this trend in the bun before it starts to take down the population. Because for every hair bun you sport, a woman decides to take her vagina elsewhere.

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I can't wait till the word realizes that these sort of "articles" are really just writers masturbating their control freaky tendencies on the world utilizing the soap box they've been given, presumably because of their ability to discern what's important to write about and what is not. Every time I read another controlling piece of drivel like this I wonder how you people live your lives - I mean, MOST of the world must piss you off so much because they aren't listening to you repeatedly scream about how they "should" be doing things with their own bodies or lives. 

If everyone else feels like you do, rest assured, eventually, lack of mating opportunities will take care of the problem organically, but for those who don't care if they mate or not, who cares what their briefly in your presence visage looks like? Anyway - not everyone agrees with you, obviously - this doesn't bother me nearly as much as the mullet, but even if it did, I'd hardly think I had any right to tell anyone but my own boyfriend what my preferences were unless directly asked. Boundaries and all that. 

Maybe I should write a piece about how we need to stop "reporters" from trying to control our behaviors and disrespecting our opinions as if we're children before it gets WAY out of hand and they start believing they aren't just being ignorant and insulting instead of entertaining and interesting. Yuck. Somehow comedians have a way of pointing stuff out without it sounding bitter (usually) - if you're going to write this sort of piece - why not aim for "aint this funny" rather than "you should act how _I_ want you to or don't deserve to live on the same planet!" which just makes you sound like a petulant child instead of a wise commentator. 

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