Laurie Notaro's Seven Reasons Why Phoenix is Better than Portland

Categories: Baby Teeth

4. Phoenix is cooler because you can still afford to buy a house there.

3. Phoenix is cooler because if you pick five people out of a crowd, they won't have five different food allergies or dietary restrictions.

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2. Phoenix is better because if you are eating doughnuts Downtown, it is probably unlikely that two homeless heroin junkies will try to stab you and steal your doughnuts.

1. Phoenix is better because in the 30 years I lived there, I have never once seen a man duck behind a food truck with a young boy for a prostitute session.

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Laurie Notaro
Stay tuned for new adventures with Laurie Notaro, and catch up on a few classics in any of her books including The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life,It Looked Different on the Model, I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell, and An Idiot Girl's Christmas at Changing Hands, on Amazon, or through her website.

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22 comments
jordangreen
jordangreen

Though Laurie is definitely right about the Mexican food and the sun thing. But she might want to expand her PDX visits to more than the downtown avenues near Burnside.

jordangreen
jordangreen

I'm not at all surprised you needed someone from Eugene who "spent plenty of time" in Portland to find reasons Phoenix is better.

- A Portlander who spent his last four years in Phoenix and likes it a great deal, but is very, very glad to be home in Oregon

James Lansberry
James Lansberry

When I lived in Phoenix conditions were so bad that I sent my children to the Philippines just to get them out of Arizona. The most important and happiest day in my life is the day I moved out of Arizona. I will never will go back even to visit relatives. James Edward Lansberry

tdhurst
tdhurst

My gawd, who cares? Aren't you people tired of sniping at each other? Doesn't it ever get old?

dergzy
dergzy

Mkay, for the sake of fairness we agree that the 7 reasons are valid... that leaves thousands to the contrary. I'm sure that folks who choose to live in Phoenix have their reasons. In February the main one is plain as day. Nice try at stirring  up a tempest in a turdbowl- aka The Valley. 

Jennifer Salazar
Jennifer Salazar

Born and raised Arizonan. But I will always LOVE Chicago. My kind of town!!

HarvardUSA123
HarvardUSA123

This isn't funny it's repulsive and totally not true. Plus Arizona has Jan Brewer so you lose! 

scottbeamer
scottbeamer

I lived in a godforsaken place known as Phoenix, Arizona on and off over 20 years.  I got fed up and moved to the Portland, Oregon area in April 2012 and I'm so glad I did.

Portland isn't miserably hot for half of the year.

Portland isn't crawling with right-wing nutjobs (quite the opposite, in fact).

Portland has a *real* downtown that doesn't look like it was just constructed.

Portland has numerous places to eat late at night that aren't Denny's or IHOP.

Portland has a downtown shopping mall (and two major department stores) that people actually shop at.

Portland is 90 minutes by car from either a ski resort or the Pacific Ocean.

You won't burn yourself  in Portland touching your car's seat belt in July.

Portland is very green. Phoenix is very brown.

I've seen as much dust in my place over the past year as I did in an average month in Phoenix.


Josette Madonia
Josette Madonia

If I left Phoenix, I would go someplace with sunshine. Maybe somewhere in California, Colorado, or a place like Moab, Utah. I've lived in Phoenix since I was a year old. And there are so many transients. I say enjoy whatever environment you are in. No one enjoys a complainer. Everyplace has its ups and downs. I can get along with all kinds of people.

4azbill
4azbill

#1 is young boy prostitutes?  REALLY?!? disgusting trash that never should have been published. thats why the author is a tramp!

Tim Eigo
Tim Eigo

Well, I hadn't considered the homeless heroin junkie thing. I guess we have that going for us.

4azbill
4azbill

terrible job representing phx.  funny how i thought this might actually be good.  how does this stuff make it to print?  zero on the thought scale.

jordangreen
jordangreen

Perhaps my defensiveness clouded my perspective on how this article is, at root, funny. My apologies if that's the case.

timdlittle
timdlittle

@4azbill this is the kind of wing nuts they grow out here. you sound like a bible thumping lunatic.

scottbeamer
scottbeamer

@4azbill This from someone who said "#1 is young boy prostitutes?  REALLY?!? disgusting trash that never should have been published. thats why the author is a tramp!"

4azbill
4azbill

just another trashy commercial here

robhhhh
robhhhh

Why don't you have a go at writing a witty article? Let us see your monumental thoughts...

4azbill
4azbill

@robhhhh i don't write for a living rob but yes i coulda done a better job. you could have done a better job as well in all likelihood. . this was a bad attempt by the author. this did nothing for phoenix except to reaffirm how backward and 2 generations behind the coasts phx really is.

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