Seven Things Steve Wiley Should Have Grown out of by Now

Categories: Parent Hood

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2. Teasing my little brother and sister.
I am a firm believer that most of the smart-ass side of my personality (maybe "side" isn't the right word, more like "majority") comes from my role as an older brother. In those days, there was nothing like getting a reaction out of my younger sibs. And it still holds true today. My brother's name is David, but he doesn't mind if you call him Dave. What he doesn't like is to be called "Davey". That's partly because I used to say Davey in a drawled-out Scooby Doo/Astro voice, just to get under his skin, and it worked like a charm. Now that we are adults, I don't use the voice anymore, but a look at my phone screen (right) reveals one simple fact: I'm still Davey's big brother.

1. Seeing breasts in the movies.
I'm not searching 'em out. I'm not building a website like those guys in Knocked Up. I'm not watching crappy movies all the way through just to see 'em (I didn't do that at any age). But I still enjoy seeing a fine set of actual breasts on a movie star. Judging from the amount of hits on that Jackalope's "The Five (or 10) Best Breasts on Movie Stars ... NSFW" blog, I'm not the only one.

Bonus: Swearing. You may have noticed this earlier in the column. Or you may read last week's column, A Profanity Lesson with Frank Zappa and Grandma. The bottom line is that while my vocabulary has increased over the years, and I try to state all my thoughts as clearly as possible, I just don't talk like a respectable adult. The hell with 'em if they don't like it -- adults never did understand us psuedo-teenagers.

I could have easily doubled this list, but I've got to go get involved in whatever games my kids are playing. We'll all have fun, fun, fun until our Daddy takes our T-bird away.

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