Six Words Laurie Notaro Demands People Stop Using Right Now
This is the lazy man's condolence card and I am sick of it. Because, you see, there ARE WORDS, you just have to make the effort to locate them. I know, I know, it's hard in the face of another's tragedy to actually have to type in www.thesaurus.com and input the word "sucky," but it can be done. I swear.
Here, I've done it for you. It took six seconds. Print out this page and carry it with you so that the next time someone gets beheaded by accident, a house burns down or someone pays full price for something, you can whip out and say the words "appalling," "harrowing," "unfortunate," and "heavy," and not look so much like the asshole who doesn't know those no words.
1. Cray cray:
Shut up with the Nell talk. God, I beg you, enough! I know I was the only person stupid enough to pay for a ticket to Cloud Atlas, but in case you unfortunately snuck in, do you remember when Tom Hanks and Halle Berry start talking in caveman/baby speak and you walked right back out again? If you're killing your dinner with a rock, sure, say "cray cray." Otherwise, I think it's only fair that we get to stone you. No one likes a baby talker. Nobody.
Words to use instead: Batshit; Off her meds; 5150.
Stay tuned for new adventures with Laurie Notaro, and catch up on a few classics in any of her books including The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life,It Looked Different on the Model, I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell, and An Idiot Girl's Christmas at Changing Hands, on Amazon, or through her website.