Laurie Notaro Writes a Handy Manual for Her Husband ... In Case She Dies Before He Does

Categories: Literary
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Laurie Notaro
15. If you can put your thumb through a piece of fruit, don't bite into it, although there is nothing funnier than watching you eat rotten food.

16. Which reminds me! If your back starts to hurt, unbutton your pants. Your waist hasn't been a 32 since you were in high school.

17. You blamed too much on Ambien Laurie and I let you because I needed to let her legend grow.

18. Never go into the attic. First, you are too fat to fit through the trap. Second, there is NOTHING up there that you need. Third, there are monsters up there.'

19. Drinking soda is not the same as drinking water. Your pee should not be the same color as a Ticonderoga pencil.

20. I lied. Lambskin is from lambs.

21. When your cousin's kids send you a graduation announcement, no, it isn't
"just to let you know."

22. Despite the fact that it could feasibly work with the right positioning, thou shalt not ever clean the fireplace with a leaf blower.

23. If you discover your date is sneaking a bottle of water into the movie theater, do not put your hands on your hips and demand to know "her plan for when you get caught. In fact, SHOW me the plan!"

24. Ovaries are not Jazz Hands. They cannot flutter and block unwanted things on demand, no matter what the Frat Boy says.

25. If you want a lady to love you, call Angelina Jolie's arms "pipe cleaners" again.

26. If you can toss the word "diaspora" into a conversation, back that smartness up by remembering to take out the trash (and remembering to bring it back in before you have to bring it back out again, despite the fact that you walk inches from it every time you leave the house).

27. You should not laugh when you next wife accidentally takes a dog pill and you are laughing so hard when you call poison control that the operator thinks it's a prank call.

28. So how did this work out? "I don't care. That's fine. That's fine. My next wife will think my story of reciting Jane's Addiction's 'Mountain Song' in my high school drama class is cool. Even if I didn't get to use the element of fire like I asked. She'll still think it's cool. Even though she will be way too young to know who Jane's Addiction is."

29. Remember when you said that if you ever got a chance to send a message from beyond it would be "Frank Burns eats worms"? I'm going to try that, too. You will know that I'm watching you every time you hear, "Can I take your order?"

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Laurie Notaro
Stay tuned for new adventures with Laurie Notaro, and catch up on a few classics in any of her books including The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life,It Looked Different on the Model, I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), There's a Slight Chance I Might Be Going to Hell, and An Idiot Girl's Christmas at Changing Hands, on Amazon, or through her website.

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17 comments
IvyLeague_AKA
IvyLeague_AKA

@Veronicatheblog Stop tweeting and get some chamomile tea in you! :-)

kcarespodi
kcarespodi

I think your husband and mine might be related.

 

antoniamurphyNZ
antoniamurphyNZ

Surely these tips are superfluous, since your husband plans to fling his weeping body on your funeral pyre?

laurienotaro
laurienotaro

Just so's you know, that picture of the pear in the story is the actual one he bit into that made me write that entry.

sluksic
sluksic

So funny!  I love all your books, and articles!  Wish we could hang out!  :)

belindadcarroll
belindadcarroll

<3 you! A native Portlander, I read all of your books while stranded in Austin, when I found out you lived in Portland. I'm a stand-up comic and also a humor writer and I really appreciate what you do! 

Nicolas
Nicolas

It seems my Y chromosome has somehow mysteriously short-circuited my sense of humor--very odd. I do realize (or at least I hope) that this was meant to be 'tongue-in-cheek', but frankly all this article does for me is make it seem as if your husband is a fat, ignorant, controlling, slob who places little if any value on your relationship. It may be a stretch, but I'm going to guess that that is not the case. Perhaps, if you live long enough, you might consider penning a short sequel in which you grudgingly acknowledge that the man has at least three redeeming qualities. Think hard. I don't know him or you, but even with a Y chromosome impediment I can come up with that many.

inmyownzoo
inmyownzoo

@Nicolas ~ Like being color blind, some people lack the ability to understand humor. You are obviously one of those starved souls.Here's a quick tip. When you see something that is written with humor, try to keep your inside voice inside. It's better for all of us.

laurienotaro
laurienotaro

 @Nicolas My husband, however, just said he loved you. Maybe you guys can hang out after my funeral.

IvyLeague_AKA
IvyLeague_AKA

@Veronicatheblog You want to ask the undergrad frat to track her down? I'll do it!!

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