Laurie Notaro Writes a Handy Manual for Her Husband ... In Case She Dies Before He Does

Categories: Literary

Laurie Notaro is an author, crafter, and expert at finding a good cocktail. She grew up in Phoenix, but is currently based in Eugene, Oregon. Each week, she'll be joining us to share a crafting adventure, draw a flowchart, or remember a few of her favorite things about Phoenix. Today, she puts together a guide for her husband in case she kicks the bucket before he does.

laurienotarohusband.png
http://annetaintor.com/
After a close call with the Big Sleep yesterday, my thoughts went not exactly to my own life, but to that of my husband's. What would happen to him if I died?

Yes, there would be a short period of mourning followed by a longer one of jubilation and buoyant celebration of freedom, but what exactly does that freedom mean? It means that on any given day, my husband stands on the brink of expiration numerous times a day and would no doubt succumb without the proper supervision.

Therefore, with the help of several of my long-time married girlfriends, I have created A Handy Manual for a Widower, My Husband. I wrote my intro with some personal touches, but feel free to pen your own, filled with your individual inspirations.

Dear Husband;

If you're reading this, the inevitable has happened. I've stuck a knife into the old toaster you told me not to buy, which shot sparks on to the dishtowel that you said I keep too close to the stove.

The dishtowel then burst into flames, igniting one of the expired coupons sticking out of a drawer (the one you enjoyed reminding me to clean out). The fire then spread to the rest of the house, killing me because I'm on Ambien, which you told me to stop taking because I was getting too "aggressive with my snacks in bed."

Well, you don't have to worry about snorting Cheetoh dust anymore in your sleep. You have found this note because I am dead, "death by misadventure," and you are finally going through the motions of rifling through my things so you can throw it all away because I'm guessing your lady friend requires some additional space in well, frankly speaking, my house.

NOT SO FAST, my friend. I have a couple of words of advice for you.

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17 comments
IvyLeague_AKA
IvyLeague_AKA

@Veronicatheblog Stop tweeting and get some chamomile tea in you! :-)

Veronicatheblog
Veronicatheblog

@IvyLeague_AKA sigh. Sigh. Siiiiiigh.

IvyLeague_AKA
IvyLeague_AKA

@Veronicatheblog You want to ask the undergrad frat to track her down? I'll do it!!

kcarespodi
kcarespodi

I think your husband and mine might be related.

 

antoniamurphyNZ
antoniamurphyNZ like.author.displayName 1 Like

Surely these tips are superfluous, since your husband plans to fling his weeping body on your funeral pyre?

laurienotaro
laurienotaro like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

Just so's you know, that picture of the pear in the story is the actual one he bit into that made me write that entry.

sluksic
sluksic

So funny!  I love all your books, and articles!  Wish we could hang out!  :)

belindadcarroll
belindadcarroll like.author.displayName 1 Like

<3 you! A native Portlander, I read all of your books while stranded in Austin, when I found out you lived in Portland. I'm a stand-up comic and also a humor writer and I really appreciate what you do! 

Nicolas
Nicolas

It seems my Y chromosome has somehow mysteriously short-circuited my sense of humor--very odd. I do realize (or at least I hope) that this was meant to be 'tongue-in-cheek', but frankly all this article does for me is make it seem as if your husband is a fat, ignorant, controlling, slob who places little if any value on your relationship. It may be a stretch, but I'm going to guess that that is not the case. Perhaps, if you live long enough, you might consider penning a short sequel in which you grudgingly acknowledge that the man has at least three redeeming qualities. Think hard. I don't know him or you, but even with a Y chromosome impediment I can come up with that many.

inmyownzoo
inmyownzoo

@Nicolas ~ Like being color blind, some people lack the ability to understand humor. You are obviously one of those starved souls.Here's a quick tip. When you see something that is written with humor, try to keep your inside voice inside. It's better for all of us.

laurienotaro
laurienotaro like.author.displayName like.author.displayName 2 Like

 @Nicolas My husband, however, just said he loved you. Maybe you guys can hang out after my funeral.

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