Six Things Laurie Notaro Never Wants to Hear While Standing in Line at the Pharmacy (Again)
Laurie Notaro is an author, crafter, and expert at finding a good cocktail. She grew up in Phoenix, but is currently based in Eugene, Oregon. Each week, she'll be joining us to share a crafting adventure, draw a flowchart, or remember a few of her favorite things about Phoenix. Today, she shares stories from the pharmacy waiting line ...
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There are certain places in a grocery store that are far more dangerous than others, and for the innocent, I'm not talking about the ice cream aisle. I'm talking about the partitioned part where the Vicodin lives.
True, if prehistoric birds attacked the store or if there were a hostage situation, I'd always pick Pill Land over the candy lane as a place to hole up, but in everyday, regular circumstances, it's a terrifying, naked place. This leads me to admit that I'm there constantly because I cannot get my inhaler, high blood pressure pills and my Ambien dolls coordinated at the same pick up, and as a result, I know everyone there on a first name basis.
You're not supposed to know the whitecoats by name until you're at least 68, but at least I'm ahead of schedule for something. Still, when I get the phone call reminding me that my prescription is ready to be picked up, I shudder. If you really want to be afraid for mankind, you don't even need to know who Paul Ryan is. All you have to do is lurk for five minutes by the pharmacy, where humanity is not more than likely to raise its primal head, but also speak.
Six Things I Never Want to Hear While Standing in Line at the Pharmacy (Again):
6. "Do you know where the stuff for lice is, because I can't find it in the shampoo department."
Apparently, I don't get it. Suddenly, kids have lice and everybody is cool with it to the point of broadcasting it in public. Did something happen since I was in school that has made vermin an accepted part of childhood? I know bed bugs are all over the place, but really? Lice?
Who keeps going to Eastern Europe and bringing this shit back? STOP GOING TO PLACES THAT END IN -IA, you guys. STICK WITH FRANCE. I MEAN IT. Besides, I thought we got rid of lice and polio in the same vaccine. And to shout it out in a pharmacy line?
This is what I wanted to say to that lady, in no particular order:
1. You are dirty and you should be more ashamed;
2. Put a friggin plastic bag and a rubber band over your head if you cannot afford a shower cap, because one will not be provided for you;
3. If there was ever an unquestionable reason for the Internet to exist, this is it;
4. If my head starts to get itchy and find eggs on my head, I am going to sue you simply for being vulgar.