Laurie Notaro's Five Reasons Why Haboobs Are Awesome

Categories: Outdoors

Laurie Notaro is an author, crafter, and expert at finding a good cocktail. She grew up in Phoenix, but is currently based in Eugene, Oregon. Each week, she'll be joining us to share a crafting adventure, draw a flowchart, or remember a few of her favorite things about Phoenix. Today, she takes a look at the recent Phoenix weather madness, and why, in her words, Haboobs are awesome.

haboob pielage.jpg
Andrew Pielage
5. In less than 30 seconds, a respectable Haboob can fill the artificial cleavage of every Scottsdale housewife racing from Lucy to the safety of her Land Rover in the parking lot at Kierland.
Bejeweled flip flops aren't natural disaster-friendly footwear, and some may actually topple over due to their tank tops becoming filled like the sands in an hour glass. It may take days to months to find survivors, or sadly, (kinda not, I'm just being nice) only squishy silicone pillows behind the Cheesecake Factory in huddled piles surrounded by plastic diamonds and patches of glitter.

picture of the haboob.jpg
Andrew Pielage
4. Free dermabrasion, or, for the very brave with scuba tanks, complete unwanted body hair removal.
A billowing wall of sand can not only dull the shine off of a brand new penny, but it can work away acne scars and skin divots like a Magic Eraser on a bathtub in a motel that rents by the hour.

For those with contained breathing apparatus kept handy in case of arson, strap it on, head outside and let the smoothing begin. Sand can find its way into previously unknown crevices, so make sure you complete the process with a thorough cleansing and dusting of all hard-to-reach areas, because clearly, someone else will be seeing them very soon.

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22 comments
DOOLEY
DOOLEY

That picture of dust is what it looks like when a pack of Hells Angels MC Arizona ride into town to party for 3 days. THEY RIDE IN WITH THE DUST. check out the new biker movie made by real HELLS ANGELS and with real Hells Angels Arizona members by clicking here www.deadin5heartbeats.com this great biker movie will in theaters the fall of 2012. a Sonny Barger / Jeff Santo film. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL HELLS ANGELS MC ARIZONA.

marcy
marcy

"repeatedly enjoy saving the word "Haboob""

 

What are we saving the word for?

 

Pete_Petrisko
Pete_Petrisko

The funniest part about this Phoenix Haboob tale is... it's written by somebody who lives in Oregon. 

 

Weird. 

 

I look forward to the follow-up, "Five Reasons Why New Times Can't Find a Humorist Who Actually Lives in Phoenix".

Sarrah Mueller
Sarrah Mueller

I love Laurie and all her books.. great choice for a writer New Times!

Ricky Hollywood
Ricky Hollywood

Humorous article. But Valley Fever is no joke. Be aware of it, especially during dust storm season

QstionEvythng
QstionEvythng

This had so much potential.  I kept waiting for it to get funny but, alas, it never made it.

DOOLEY
DOOLEY

 @marcy  you need my BIG HARD LARGE Haboob jammed up your tight sweet ass and into your sweet moist mouth Marcy. maybe that will finally shut you up for good.

Mikey1969
Mikey1969

 @Pete_Petrisko I see that you caught THIS part: <i>...is currently based in Eugene, Oregon</i>, but you somehow <b>completely</b> missed this part: <i>She grew up in Phoenix..."</i>. That's ok, maybe you were born stupid, who knows? If you'd bothered to do some work(One Google search), you would find out just how long Laurie Notaro spent in Az, and it also explains why she is just as annoyed by this "Haboob" bullshit as I am. I currently live in Utah, but spent 22 years in Az, and we called them dust storms then, too. It's not like you lose the ability to laugh at the 'Word of the Week' morons when you leave the state. Jesus, 10 years ago, everything was a "microburst", thank God that stupid trend died.

laurienotaro
laurienotaro

Welcome to Phoenix, Pete Petrisko. You still smell like the Jersey Turnpike.

Pete_Petrisko
Pete_Petrisko

 @DOOLEY You're a humorist who lives in Phx? My deepest sympathies are with you in your time of need.

Pete_Petrisko
Pete_Petrisko

 @eyeonyouproductions Oh, I bothered enough to know her 2008 book includes the move to Eugene. I just didn't want to rub it in. We kind of stopped calling 'em dust storms last summer, except in cases where it's an actual dust storm & not a taller-than-the-tallest-building wall of respiratory illness that engulfs the city.

 

Maybe it's something you have to see close up & personal to truly appreciate though.

 

Pete_Petrisko
Pete_Petrisko

 @laurienotaro  Judging by your witty olfactory retort, can I assume it isn't a particularly pleasant smell? I only ask because I've never been to Jersey.

QstionEvythng
QstionEvythng

 @poops

 And you've choosen to post as "poops."  I'd call you an asswipe, but...... 

laurienotaro
laurienotaro

 @Pete_Petrisko Yes!! Finally I got to be a snowbird! It's delightful. I wear track suits and rent the oldest Lincoln Continental I can from Avis. It. IS. AWESOME. And I NEVER know where I'm going! See? I've been outed for even confusing the I-5 with I-10!! Snowbird! Snowbird! We should get together for an early bird dinner together at Coco's or coffee and a danish at Chompie's. But we'd have to schedule those in between naps and med time. :) You're a good sport, Pete. I like you.

Pete_Petrisko
Pete_Petrisko

 @laurienotaro You're a snowbird?!? Oh hell. Why didn't you say that in the first place? I feel like such a goofball now.  ;)

QstionEvythng
QstionEvythng

 @laurienotaro

 Maybe because you only live here half time you think that I-10 is also divided in half when you're not here to become I-5.  In reality, though, the folks that live here full time know that it is I-10 that runs between Tucson and Phoenix while I-5 runs from the border with Mexico north through California, Oregon and Washington.  I-5 does not run through Arizona at all.  Maybe you're just geographically challenged.  Maybe your bone fides aren't what you claim them to be.  Don't really know or care.

 

Your response to Petrisko was B.S. - if you want to write and put your work out there for others to read, then you best have thick skin because you will receive criticism.  To respond to that criticism by proclaiming that the criticizer smells like the Jersey turnpike is simply lame and pathetic.  Either develop a better retort or accept the criticism and move on.

 

Either way, your piece just wasn't as funny as you'd like to think it was.  To rephrase Petrisko's comment, "I look forward to the follow-up, "Five Reasons Why New Times Can't Find a Humorist Who Is Actually Humorous".

laurienotaro
laurienotaro

 @Pete_Petrisko Pete, you're a goofball. You just looked that up on Amazon!! That's cheating a little, you know. ;) Raised in Phoenix, lived there full-time for 35 years, now I just don't spend the summers there. Have seen saw 35 seasons of dust storms, including being stuck on i-5 between Tucson and Phoenix during one that killed several people in a massive pile-up. Believe me, I know a dust storm when I see it. And if you wanna know where to get the best mixed green burro in town, I'll tell you. I know that when I see it, too.

Mikey1969
Mikey1969

 @Pete_Petrisko That's cute... "Up close and personal". Yeah, I lived there(As I said before) for over 20 years , and left before this moronic "haboob" craze. I lived there when it wasn't such news that a single storm hit during the monsoon season that it made international headlines. We used to have storms every day, now you guys get 'a' storm and wet yourselves in excitement. Yeah, I've seen dust storms, been in many instant-flood situations, and seen trees uprooted, all in the same storm, repeated over and over each summer. Have fun in your urban heat island dustbowl, you can have it.

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